I suggest you call around to some lawyers, I went to one yesterday and was giving information on Spousal support.
Maybe with a combo of both Child Support, Spousal support and maybe finding a part-time job until something better comes along will help you move.
TeeCup just hold your head up.. I've been here a week this is a great place to help you get through this.
I suggest you get your ducks lined up. Get your own bank account and start to put money/cash away. See if you can get some free legal advice in your situation, a practice that offers the first hour for free. It’s worth spending the money if you can’t find free help because you will at least know how the land lies. And that is worth your peace of mind. Take along all financial records. Everything.
I am scared to death someone will discover this humiliating and disgusting situation. Most people wouldn’t have stayed after the original d-day, considering the pregnancy and all, but I did. I now realize I cannot stay.
Unfortunately I am kind of trapped though because the company I worked at for over 10 years closed a year ago - I lost my job and I haven’t been able to find a new one yet. I can’t leave him without having any money.
I do know the feeling of being trapped. Make your own life. Remember the quote: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Your WH is keeping a foot both sides of the line. The question is, what are you going to do about it?
Affairs thrive in secrecy. You could inform MOW’s BH and see spoil their little clandestine meets and chats. That will change the atmosphere of their relationship. You could keep the status quo, but tell your WH you want things out in the open. You could keep quiet and slowly die. You could throw him out and force him to make a choice. You could plot and plan your own exit.
Keep posting here. Things will become clearer over time. And then one day you will just know what to do.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:28 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]
He beat her up- I am told by my WS
Do you have proof of this? Just an FYI - this is a very typical line from the cheater's handbook... "can't tell b/c hubby will beat her up" -
It is so humiliating. I am willing to forgive his crime …. if he would just stop committing it. And I cannot bring myself to tolerate him having the OC in his life. I just cannot do it. I have told him that. He says he can’t let OC grow up without him being in his life. And that he doesn’t want to love OW, and that it isn’t his ‘choice’, he just does. Like all of this was out of his control.
He doesn’t want to love OW? Then he stops loving her. He can if he wants to. Love is an action and a choice, not an inevitability. It is all within his control. He’s feeling entitled and empowered by you letting him do as he wishes.
As for the BH beating up his wife? So badly that YOUR WH is scared into buying A GUN?? He is protecting himself – if he really cared, he would have stopped all contact with her. It’s a common tactic on the part of the adulterers, they can keep their secret by telling you that if you out them and OW is killed then it’s YOUR fault. No it’s not. They made choices and they kept secrets they had no right to do. It is part of the game to paint the BS as violent or unpredictable. Don’t fall for it.
Lastly, you say you don't believe in divorce. Is that in ANY circumstance? If your WH knows this, then he can carry on with his lifestyle and there won't be anything you can do to change things.
my WW tried to tell me the OM BW was unstable and she might do something to herself or him.
He's been lying to you every single day for years.
I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Tell the BS about his *wife*. Consequences are consequences.
IMO It seems unlikely that he'll 'beat' her given the fact that he agreed to raise another mans child...he sounds more hero than zero...
And let's face it, liars lie, so it's unlikely you've been told the truth about that. Saying those things is a very good way to control a situation though, wouldn't you say?
(((hugs))) You deserve many hugs and a beautiful future x
Rise above it. Do NOT accept any responsibility for THEIR actions. Your decision to tell BH is a consequence of that. And not your problem. Tell your WH he should have thought of that before.
Tell her husband. He isn’t going to beat her, and you shouldn’t keep it from him. If he knew and didn’t tell you, how would you feel?
No one ‘believes’ in divorce, but sometimes it’s the only option. Right now it appears your H has no fear of any real consequences, and why should he? He’s gotten away with everything, and he still is. You need to put your foot down and throw his stuff on the lawn so that it’s there for him when he gets home. There are organizations that can help you. You do NOT need this garbage in your life. Let OW have him. They deserve each other – both liars, cowards, cheats, and vile garbage.
Let OW have him. They deserve each other – both liars, cowards, cheats, and vile garbage.
Tee, can you tell we're not terribly happy with the way you're being treated and that we're (albeit very strongly) trying to help? I know our words can be harsh and direct, but there is also a BS fog...one that you do NOT deserve to be in and it is not your fault...but we want to get you out of it so you can have some control in your life - and happiness.
We'll help you through. One step at a time. First things first...STD testing and implement the 180 - for YOU...not to "make" him love you. You cannot fix a broken person unless they want it for themselves. I know you want it for you and your children.
I understand probably more than you realize as I have been dealing with multiple OCs and LTAs, and one OW was/is still married to another. I stuck it out for years, but I finally reached my limit. I was working on an exit plan, but latest whore and OC made me act faster than what I had planned. The OCs symbolize betrayal for me. It is truly gut wrenching.
PM me if you want.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
When I told MOW’s BH, he knew Mr UKg was a 6'2" ex-rugby player weighing 225 pounds who now played golf, still went to the gym and went out for runs, a man who loves all sport whether playing or watching. He also knew that my fWH had a temper on the pitch (rugby is very physical) and, after giving up rugby and taking up golf, repeatedly broke his clubs by whacking them around or hitting tree trunks when he was raging about bad shots. BH is about 3 or 4 inches shorter and probably 160-170 pounds. He doesn’t do sport or follow sport. He walks the countryside and that’s about it.
He said he had thought about coming round and confronting fWH. I KNOW he would have been absolutely safe. He said he thought better of it and that it wouldn’t solve anything. fWH has never, ever shown violence to me, to the children, to anyone off the rugby pitch or to anyone on the golf course – only ever his clubs, which his golfing friends find amusing and just put up with. Once he’s broken a club, he stuffs the two halves into his bag and carries on the round. They’re not cheap – they’re made to measure. He’s never been verbally abusive either. Nasty put downs is about as far as things have ever got.
I think MOW probably told BH that fWH could beat the shit out of him. BH would have remembered fWH from when they were younger and fWH was dating MOW before she went off with BH. I know if BH had turned up on our doorstep and gone for fWH, fWH wouldn’t have done a thing. He might have tried to hold BH off, but he would not have retaliated. He would have known it was deserved and understandable. But the BH was intimidated at the thought of meeting fWH face to face, so he didn’t.
If the tables had been turned and BH knew of the affair and I didn’t, I suspect he would not have told me for the reason of fWH’s “reputation” as MOW would have painted it. Because that is what they do. They do not want the BS’s talking to each other. They want to control the situation as much as they can. I would have been left in the dark. I’m 90% sure of that.
On another note, I'd also ask about paternity tests. Please start to make a life for yourself, separate from your WH. Continued contact with MOW and his disrespect for you will tear you apart. Little steps become big strides. Just start with today. What can you achieve today?