Thanks for the hugs and understanding. I walk around all day being strong and productive and it feels nice to be able to let my guard down for a moment. Not that I'm feeling anything about the cheating right now. I tune it out most of the time and focus on it when necessary. He will never bring it up so I guess that much is in my control.
I never asked for a timeline and although part if me wonders if there's any point - he cheated, do I really need more details - another part of me thinks that for HIM to fathom the enormity of the betrayal it would be useful. I think he is quickly convincing himself that it wasn't really all that bad, except the last one, and that has a lot to do with our current situation.
As for IC, I honestly try not to laugh when I think about it. As far as I can tell he spends the whole time talking about himself, managing the message, and zero about adultery unless I specifically request it. I have done so twice, I think, and I have no idea what he is telling the guy but he always comes home with ridiculous and quite frankly insulting ideas. The first time he said that it was unhealthy for me to talk to him about his behavior the way I do (uh, negatively), and the second time the suggestion was that we jointly work on a marriage contract.
Each time I told him that he had yet again failed me. First because he wasn't strong enough to even listen to how he hurt me - let alone live it like I do - and second because there is no "we" to work on a marriage until he accepts that there is a long way to go in terms of him showing he even cares about what he has done. Until he takes some actions individually, I am not holding his hand through this. It's the other way around buddy.
I asked him what his goals were with IC and he said "I don't know." Wow. Talk about checked out. I asked him why he went then since it cost us thousands. He said, "well I guess the goal is to feel better. And I do." Again. Wow. Notice the failure to mention either adultery or our relationship.
That's about when I checked out myself for a while. It was just too depressing. Last week I went to our MC who I have seen on my own a few times. I asked him to tell me what exactly I'm dealing with here because it is not normal. He said a guy who will avoid conflict at almost all costs (so ironic to me), and someone who has no idea about the enormity of what he has done. Bingo. I'm glad to hear it out loud. Because it sure feels that way.
I am working a plan with him. We will see how it goes. I'm very one day at a time right now. Thanks for listening.