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User Topic: too many issues
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being married to someone suffering from chronic depression for 9 years and probably many more years in the future, is exceedingly distressing. Now she has committed adultery probably numerous times and has made quite a few unsuccessful attempts besides, do you have any obligation to remain with this woman?

Divorce her and free yourself of both her treachery and her ongoing, chronic depression. That should be her problem from now on, leaving you free to start a new relationship with someone mentally healthy and loyal.

She may need help and assistance with her mental condition, but in that case don't betray the one person who has stayed with you all those years. I repeat, you have no remaining obligation to stay in this marriage if your wife cannot be loyal and true to her wedding vows; a small price to pay for all the support and comfort you have given.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce her and free yourself of both her treachery and her ongoing, chronic depression. That should be her problem from now on, leaving you free to start a new relationship with someone mentally healthy and loyal.

THIS^^^^^X 1000%

OMG!! Please don't set yourself up for years of misery.

I love LOVE, I am not the person to give up on love. I stayed with Mr. Happy after he betrayed me for years...But his remorse is palpable.

But with this blatant trickery and lies and still trying to have 'privacy'. Don't let her disrespect you.

Cut your loses sir. Don't waste the best years of your life on someone who treats you like a chump.

Strength and clarity my friend.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW sounds like a walking time bomb that blew up. She has been cheating for a while, manipulating you with real and feigned suicide threats, and taking your good will for granted.

You need to get serious about deciding if you even want to be married to a person like that. Your gut will tell you.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and her privacy? That has been explained in a previous post. Passwords, phone and computer records, etc. are not "private" in a marriage. It should all be easily accessible at any time.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She doesn't know I know and thoroughly examined her Facebook (I know how to get archived and deleted "messages" FAcebook archives them and there is a small hyperlink 'get archived messages' same for the deleted messages when you use the full site version of facebook on a smartphone). She doesn't know I know it was a PA, and her 2 requests for FWB, and other online activities. There was a NC message sent to the OM, 2 full days after I demanded NC.

I have my first IC today. He has helped me through issues in the past, supporting me while I support my wife, helping me with grief after sudden deaths of my parents, etc. End of the day appt so I know he will let me vent and get it all out. He's good, and will give me some tips, strategies and advice to go forward.

I am going to confront her with what I know. I just don't know how or when. Part of me wants to just have a nice relaxing weekend, spend time with my daughter, and catch up on the yardwork before the white stuff starts flying.

I know some of you are "get the D!!!! Save yourself!!!" but I have a daughter to consider. And no matter what I think of my WS right now, she does love her daughter and is a good mother (until I find out otherwise). I don't feel like I'm in a proper state of mind to make the "decision" right now. I will talk with an attorney next week to get more information.

@trynhard on the first page asked if you can pictures of the text on a phone, yes. If you have an iphone (which is what I'm familiar with) if you hold down the "home" button and the "lock" button at the same time for a second or two, the phone takes a screenshot of whatever is on your screen. You can then forward the photo to an email account or an online photo site like flickr, picasa, photobucket etc.

It's been helpful to read all of your posts. I value your opinions and your input, and I feel your intentions are good.

[This message edited by Michman at 7:52 AM, November 15th (Friday)]


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, taking your time to decide makes sense at this stage.

Remember, since she has threatened suicide and is chronically depressed, [documented], you will get full custody of your daughter in the event of separation or divorce. Also you may be able restrict your WW to supervised visitation given her unstable personality.

You sound such a mature, forgiving person. However you need to be fair to yourself and your daughter. Can't be healthy for her to have a parent like this.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel like I'm in a proper state of mind to make the "decision" right now.
You don't have to make any decisions now. You will find that although people come from different perspectives here at SI, no one will coerce you or disrespect you for your decisions. IT IS YOUR LIFE. Speaking to a lawyer is good, whether or not you decide to R or D. Knowledge is power: not power over the other person, but power over your own life.

From what I've read over the years on SI (and what I've felt myself through the journey) you will waver from R to D and back to R several times. Even people who are actively in the D process wish they weren't D-ing, but were in R, but they are D-ing because their WS isn't repentant, or is actively in an A still.

Remember that no matter what you decide today, you can reevaluate the situation tomorrow and change your mind accordingly.

I'm sorry if you felt I was trying to pressure you. I wasn't. I've just read countless times here where the WS cake eats while the BS suffers until the BS decides they won't tolerate living in a M with a cheating spouse for one more day. Then, almost miraculously, the WS finds remorse and realizes how much their BS always meant to them.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No apologies needed. I appreciate your experience and viewpoint. Hopefully some IC for me will help with my decisions too. I feel pretty good with what I accomplished this week FOR ME!!! STD testing, starting IC, and talking to a lawyer next Monday.

I really do appreciate what y'all have said, and all the articles and other postings I have read this week too. Thank you!!


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely failed this weekend. Forgot I even knew what the 180 is and how to do it. It was caused by the humiliation I had when I handed the lab tech my urine and lab order sheet for STDs.

I spoke to her friend that knew about the stuff, and she really felt bad because she was trying to get her to stop this behavior, and she felt bad she never told me anything....I told her to only tell me if she felt what she was doing was placing my daughter in the presence of her while it was happening...IDGAF what my BS is doing anymore.

I could not stop looking up cell phone numbers. And of course I found more evidence of my BS affairs. Someone she met from the internet was in our home last tuesday! Thank god my daughter was at grandmas...

I stayed on the couch all weekend (my choice, it's actually more comfortable, plus my BS has a cold/flu so I don't want it), slept with the blanket they had had sex on (my WS told me Sunday afternoon) after I requested all the stuff be thrown out.

Just too much betrayal, disrespect. I turned around on the way home from work this morning because I had a "feeling" and thank goodness I found no strangers at home, especially since my daughter is there.

I am driving myself crazy! Paranoia! I want to know everything but I almost cannot stand it. She has only been forthcoming to the affairs I know about and has not really told me anything new!

I'm consulting/calling a lawyer today.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is obviously engaging in trickle truth, which doesn't equate to remorse; just damage control. If you reconcile then you will have to deal with your WW's obvious addiction to these numerous sexual affairs and the likelihood that she will betray you again in the future. This is not a solitary transgression its a hard to give up addiction; its much more difficult to end this behavior and be faithful to your partner. The word faithful doesn't seem to be in her vocabulary.

As I mentioned earlier, you have an opportunity to end this marriage to a serial cheater who also suffers from severe depression. You have a chance to start again and rid yourself of two major problems not one.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone she met from the internet was in our home last tuesday!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You cannot R with someone who won't stop cheating and lying.

IDGAF what my BS is doing anymore.
This is the 180. When you begin to want physical closeness, remember that you just had a full panel of STD tests, and if you are intimate with her before she stops cheating, you are going to have to be humiliated by getting another STD panel done. Remember where her mouth and V have been on "whoever stranger," and that you will be exposed to whatever she was exposed to.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First good news in the last couple of weeks:

IM STD FREE!!!


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay!!! Just because you are, doesn't mean she is. Be careful!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2792 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Michman)))

I know some of you are "get the D!!!! Save yourself!!!" but I have a daughter to consider. And no matter what I think of my WS right now, she does love her daughter and is a good mother (until I find out otherwise).

I totally get it,I do - more than you know. However, when I read this:

And of course I found more evidence of my BS affairs. Someone she met from the internet was in our home last tuesday! Thank god my daughter was at grandmas...

I am sorry, but that is not what a good mother that loves her daughter does. This isn't using a babysitter to have an affair, and by that I don't mean the pain and suffering is necessarily worse for you. This is incredibly dangerous behavior that puts your entire family at risk. What if she picked a random psycho that killed her at your home, and you or your DD with grandma happened to walk in? Who is to say anyone she solicits won't return on their own with a more sordid agenda? This kind of infidelity literally makes my blood run cold.

I know you are in a horrific place, and it is NOT your fault. I know you don't want to make any decisions about R or D for a while, and that is wise. But I plead with you, when you go see your L, see him/her soon, and please ask about ALL the available custody options that are feasible in your case. Ask if legal proof of her ongoings would have any bearing, and what means you need to take to get them. Do you really want your DD to have unsupervised visitation with someone who solicits sex with anonymous people from the internet in your home?

It may very well be that the courts don't care - it is the case in some states - and if that's true you need to know that no matter what path you take. But if there is any chance evidence of what she has done, may still be doing, and will likely do if you don't stay together, you want to have that evidence in your corner. She may take that choice of R vs. D from you anyway, especially if the D and custody laws are in her favor.

There is a reference thread for BS who have WS into prostitutes and anonymous encounters here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&HL=32550

that will walk you through the general SI wisdom from the perspective of those who have been where you are now.

And I would strongly consider a boundary that includes major, intensive therapy (if not an inpatient program) for your WS to stay in the home as well as for you to consider R.

Keep posting. You will get good advice and support here. We will help you through it and give you options you can't see now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Michman)))

I know some of you are "get the D!!!! Save yourself!!!" but I have a daughter to consider. And no matter what I think of my WS right now, she does love her daughter and is a good mother (until I find out otherwise).

I totally get it,I do - more than you know. However, when I read this:

And of course I found more evidence of my BS affairs. Someone she met from the internet was in our home last tuesday! Thank god my daughter was at grandmas...

I am sorry, but that is not what a good mother that loves her daughter does. This isn't using a babysitter to have an affair, and by that I don't mean the pain and suffering is necessarily worse for you. This is incredibly dangerous behavior that puts your entire family at risk. What if she picked a random psycho that killed her at your home, and you or your DD with grandma happened to walk in? Who is to say anyone she solicits won't return on their own with a more sordid agenda? This kind of infidelity literally makes my blood run cold.

I know you are in a horrific place, and it is NOT your fault. I know you don't want to make any decisions about R or D for a while, and that is wise. But I plead with you, when you go see your L, see him/her soon, and please ask about ALL the available custody options that are feasible in your case. Ask if legal proof of her ongoings would have any bearing, and what means you need to take to get them. Do you really want your DD to have unsupervised visitation with someone who solicits sex with anonymous people from the internet in your home?

It may very well be that the courts don't care - it is the case in some states - and if that's true you need to know that no matter what path you take. But if there is any chance evidence of what she has done, may still be doing, and will likely do if you don't stay together, you want to have that evidence in your corner. She may take that choice of R vs. D from you anyway, especially if the D and custody laws are in her favor.

There is a reference thread for BS who have WS into prostitutes and anonymous encounters here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&HL=32550

that will walk you through the general SI wisdom from the perspective of those who have been where you are now.

And I would strongly consider a boundary that includes major, intensive therapy (if not an inpatient program) for your WS to stay in the home as well as for you to consider R.

Keep posting. You will get good advice and support here. We will help you through it and give you options you can't see now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jun 2011
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she does love her daughter and is a good mother

Someone she met from the internet was in our home last tuesday

!

MM- she can't be both!! NOBODY brings a stranger into their home, AND be a good parent. Her wants are above all else, even the safety of your beautiful baby girl!! I blew a gasket on this one!!!

Please read Abbondad and Allatsea's stories. (abb is in D/S, and aas is in JFO) Their stories, unfortuantely, are heart-breaking. BUT they have gotten so strong. Their children are #1, as yours is to you.

I have to laugh, that after dday, and her wanting her privacy, that she is stupid enough to keep everything! You'd think her first reaction would be to delete ALL incriminating evidence! At least that's what my idiot H did!!

You are just at the very beginning MM. You will come out on the other side, maybe a little more bruised, but we are all here for you.

Lean on us. 40K+ can't all be wrong

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you took it upon yourself to get tested. Just one way to start to regain control on your own life.
Don't be intimate without protection no matter what she says or does. If you have sex use protection until she can produce paperwork proving she is disease free.

Now this meeting up with strangers thing is quite honestly scary shit. She is NOT being a good mom doing this a good mom would risk hepatitis, hpv, aids, rape, or murder. Seriously you know as good as the rest of us any yahoo wierdo, crackpot that has a computer can arrange a meet up.

Please make sure that you are gathering evidence. Even if you live in a no fault state, the DFS, will be very concerned about a child being left alone with a woman who is making these choices.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put on the happy face for the holidays. Told her parents about her and what she has been doing. Probably because they would be heavily involved in any custody arrangement. They are the best grand parents and I trust them with my daughter. Went to the UM v OSU game with trusted friends and had an EXCELLENT time despite the final outcome. Feel like I am moving out of the shock/denial phase and entering anger phase. Continuing to 180 her and IC for me.

I spoke to a couple of attorney's regarding the D. Scare the shit out of me. My counselor doesn't think I'm in the right place to make that decision yet. I"m in no hurry. I have made copies of all the information I found out and am keeping them in several places. I will add to the file as I discover more. The state I live in is no fault, but the court will take the things she's done into consideration regarding spousal support and child custody.

Looking forward to spending the Christmas season with my daughter and not buying BS a damn thing.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a "spinning wheels" phase? LOL. She has deleted almost everything off of her phone and email. I have a program ready to go to recover that stuff tomorrow. I need the information to help put the puzzle together, and also to gather information in case of a D. After that I am taking off the detective badge. I have already spent too much time doing what should have been told to me after the initial discovery of the initial affair. Plus the lawyers will do any additional investigating for me:p I live in a no-fault state, but the actions of the WS can be used in child custody and spousal support, etc.

She has spent the last few days at her parents, and I have been able to thoroughly examine two of her email accounts. She knows that I did and I don't care. Also went through her nightstand, dresser, and closet, under the bed. Nothing shocking, just copies of email addresses, contacts, a couple of business cards, etc. Well it would have been shocking a few months ago, but knowing what I already know, it wasn't a big deal.

Found out some other things. Nearly all of these sickos on internet hookup sites use a yahoo.com email account. They use seperate apps for chatting, texting, photo, video sharing (Kik and skype). If you have an iphone there is a "track my iphone" tool in the icloud.

Going back through my thread I was shocked and amazed by the accuracy of your posts. Anyone here the "real" Ms. Cleo? Unfortunately, there are a lot of experts here.

I am frustrated that although she says she wants to work it out, she is answering any question with "I dont know" or "I dont remember" and now that she's deleted almost everything off her phone, there is nothing to help her remember.

At my last IC, we talked about D. He said what does that look like right now? My answer was that I am standing at the end of a tunnel, and I see the light. It is small, but there is only 1 or 2 turns off the track to D. I feel like there is not much more time before I'm moving forward with the D. Especially since she is not forthcoming, has only gone to 1 IC, cancelled 1 appt, and has 1 tomorrow (who know if she goes). I get the impression she just wants it all to go away.

My IC has also been pretty adamant about not contacting OP spouses. And to be truthful, I'm at the point where I really want to torture the OM in the first PA. Really stupid immature stuff? I typed an email along the lines of "I'm sending your wife an email for Christmas" and "You owe me for half the trip and babysitting your son" He works for a college hockey team so I said "looking forward to seeing you in XXXXXXX, bring cash" Also found out about a trip to Florida there were in the planning stages of taking when my mother died and we found out we were expecting our first child. Thanks Mom and daughter! They screwed up there sex trip!!!! It's just a draft and I haven't sent it.

I also found out that some friends of my BS know about the first affair. She told them that I was cheating on her (which is a lie). At one poiint I told my BS that she had to come clean to restore my reputation. At least tell them I did not cheat on her. She still hasn't after over a week.

I have told one real life friend about what has been going on. He's been a great help, but I have closer friends who are wondering what the hell is going on with me. I still feel like I need to keep the whole thing secret. I feel like telling people about the A is like telling people I failed as a spouse. I know in my head that I didn't.

So, any advice on getting through multiple family Christmas's?


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MichMan,

Sorry brother for what you are going through. It sucks. I wish I had a magic script to write for you to ease the pain and burden, but I do not.

I can tell you a few things that will make life better moving forward. EXPOSE. I am dead serious when I say your IC is absolutely wrong about this. The theory that you will ruin another family is so full of fuckeduppedness is not even funny. OM's BW deserves to know the truth so she can make rational decisions about her life, safety and the well being of her children. Your IC's conclusion is not just wrong from a healthy and safety perspective, it is just wrong period.

Second, do not threaten. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE EXPOSING. Do not blackmail the OM. Nothing good will come from these efforts. Revenge is a pointless game. However, simply contact the BW(s) and give them a short and concise summary of the betrayal, enough information to convince them you are not a nut job (BUT NEVER EVER EVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES) and tell her (them) you will not contact them again unless they initiate to get further information. Then move on.

Next, find a different IC.

Then figure out which attorney you thought would be your best advocate and do what they say to protect yourself, your assets and your children. I am not saying you need to file the divorce claim tomorrow, but I am saying there are many things you need to do to protect yourself and your failure to do so will have ramifications. Your wife is all kinds of messed up. And if it gets to divorce, I guarantee you either she will capitulate over guilt (and you will have to drive the boat entirely) or she will fight like a crazed shedevil and try to destroy you in every way possible. Either way, you need to be taking action now to prepare yourself.

This is a hard road no matter how you travel it. Just realize that this is a great bunch of people with a lot of knowledge. Please use them to help yourself heal and get stronger.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
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