I have interviewed 4 attorneys, and have chosen one. Only need to squirrel away another $400 without WW knowing to be able to pay $3000 retainer. She doesn't know I even talked to attorneys.
I have 3 options on suitable living arrangements for me and my daughter. It's a real bitch to find a nice place that will allow 2 small dogs. I hate this fucking house. She can have it (after paying me my share of equity:)) I also have 2 options on daycare if needed.
I have taken measures to protect myself financially. I have already changed everything I can legally change. I also have some other paperwork to file as soon as D is filled with regards to will, poa, etc.
I have attended IC weekly for the last 5 months. I no longer get emotional over the death of my marriage. It is what it was. The only thing that continues to upset me is the fact that I will miss time with my daughter. Because no matter how batshiat crazy my WW is, she has done nothing illegal or to put daughter in danger so courts wouldn't grant me full custody. (all 4 attorneys stated as much, I could always ask, but it most likely would be denied) I live in a no fault state.
I'm really glad I gave myself this time. I was able to see my daughters first steps. I was able to hear her first words. Countless giggle fits and several evenings falling asleep in my arms. First Christmas. First birthday party's. First experience in the snow. I made her first batch of baked ziti that she was able to gnash her way through, while at the same time turning our dining room floor a lovely shade of tomato. And all of these and other wonderful things also serve to build up the resentment for WW and the fact I will never forget what she did. I will never accept what she did. I will not forgive her for forcing me into the choice of what living situation I must endure to be the BEST father I can be. And if that makes me a pussy, so be it...I'm comfortable with that.
So many people and articles in the reading library have been so helpful to me. I thank you.
[This message edited by Michman at 8:56 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]
She outright refused to give me complete and total access to her cell phone, emails, and social networking accounts. Yes, this really bothers me. She claims it would shred her sense of privacy and that if I can't trust her we should just end the marriage.
I think she's at least got that right.
Take or borrow some money and file for divorce. The sooner you get away from this destructive force the better you and your daughter will be. She has obviously abandoned you, the marriage, and her daughter.
I couldn't let that shit stand for another day.
Dude, I read your entire story on this thread. It took me a long time to take it all in. So, I'm going to comment on a few things. When I first started reading your posts I felt that:
1. You still loved your wife...a lot. That was one reason I could come up with for why you would ever put up with what she was doing. Her actions were and continue to be so outrageous and blatently "cheating in your face."
2. You were terrified of loosing custody of your daughter. Another reason for why you would put up with her shit for so damn long. You sound like a terrific Dad! When you D this woman who is destroying you, you will still be a terrific Dad. Please remember that!
3. Finances. Nobody wants to be broke, especially when you have little ones to take care of. Legit reason for being scared shitless to D. It takes courage to make big changes in your life. You are about to be brave.
Your latest posts refer to all the plans you have made for D. She has done countless things behind your back, so you owe her no warning about the D. I really feel for your pain. The sooner you detach, the better off you will be.
I hope you keep posting. I wish you well, especially with those kids of yours who you love so, so much.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Five months ago I gave myself a 6 month waiting period for my WW to fix her shit.
Well that's another 6 months of your life you threw away on what amounts to an unremorseful, self serving, lying, sneaky and generally poor excuse for a woman. I too have read this entire thread and I'm sick, I cant imagine what you feel like. Personally I could not endure another minute let alone another month of her shit. And even if by some miracle she decided to change tomorrow I still would not waste another minute on her. Dude, you deserve an award for putting up with the most shit I've ever heard of in regard to infidelity. And that's not a compliment !!! There comes a time when you just gotta toss in the towel. And that time was 5 months ago. Don't waste another day on this whore. Yep I said it she is a whore. And I'm not saying this to try and piss you off or to hurt you. I'm saying it because its true. I should know because I was M to a whore also. After D-day and my subsequent S/D I discovered my XWW had quite the extra curricular life going on all the I was oblivious to it. Sure the signs were there, but hey hindsight is 20/20. Even after D-day my XWW did not stop her shit. She lied during a very brief R, but could not stop. So I had to stop her from hurting me. And I did and don't regret it for one single second.
It was tuff for me to accept that my W, the mother of my children was in fact a whore. But that's exactly what she was and continued to be. After our S/D she went on a MM frenzy. Must have had at least 5 or 6 affairs with MM that I know of. And that number could be quite higher to be honest. And unlike your WW who likes to meet strangers my XWW actually went after men she knew. Coworkers, husbands of friends, old BF's, FB hook ups etc. That woman marched through MM like Sherman marched through Georgia. But my one saving grace was I was not directly in the middle of her insanity any longer. You claim your WW is a good mother. But I ask you is this the type of person you want raising your D ? Kids learn from example and is this the example you want set ? And lets not forget the safety issue that comes with her lifestyle. These men are in your home and quite possibly when your child is there. She is not a good mother and stop saying she is. Dude if I were you I would not wait another minute to file for D. Cut your losses now bro.
I really hope that things go your way during the D. But don't count on the courts doing the right thing either. My XWW's lifestyle had no bearing on my D or custody. Shit she was awarded full custody and I got standardized visitation. All because I worked too many hours. But hey that's how it goes. But now for the good news. Since my D my life has grown by leaps and bounds. I am much happier and while I had my ups and downs in the beginning my decision to D and end the misery was the best decision I ever made. I hope the same for you.
It is amazing what our WSs can do to us. They way that they learn to virtually hate us...and the ability to drive us to the same mindset. How do they become this way? Did they change overnight, or was this ability always an underlying possibility of their character...and we were too blind to see it?
You can delve deeper in those questions after you get away from your wife. Get that D rolling TODAY...because it will continue to be hell until it is finalized. There are more months of this shit ahead of you---possibly even worse, if your WW is vindictive.
Keep protecting yourself, and get out of this toxic situation, as soon as humanly possible.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I can assure you this, when that D is filed, no turning, looking back.
I am at peace with my decision because it is the way I can be the best father and best person I can be.
I am the better person. I was before DDay, and I certainly have been after DDay.
I'm going to blindside that bitch so hard it will probably tighten her vagina back up.
I contacted OM1's wife via Facebook msg. a couple of days ago. I only asked for her email address to send her a message of a "personal nature." Obviously I chose not to spam her work email with a message of adultry...I thought it was a classy move on my part.
Today she replied, "Please leave me alone. Things are bad. I have it taken care of."
I don't want to waste much more time or energy with this, but I'm curious as to your thoughts? I'm leaning towards no further action required. But I just couldn't help myself, I responded with a "so you know they fucked all st patty's weekend 2012" whoops....guess that's just a bit o rage coming out, lol
[This message edited by Michman at 5:53 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
Several poser's dicks will light up, burn, and fall off...give it time...
IMHO, if you are headed for D, court may be a part of your life. From this point forward, do not put anything in writing that you would not comfortably read to a judge in open court.
As to further contact, OM1's wife has asked you not to contact her. What do you think a judge or jury will think of you if you persist?
Sounds like you have hit the anger stage, which is a healthy and normal reaction to this insanity. But please be careful where you vent...SI being an awesome place to do so.
Please don't take this as belittling you or your pain. I have read your story, and have great respect for all you have accomplished in such a short time. The words are only meant to help.
Shorter version of the above, as my momma used to say: don't sink to her level....OK, doubt you could ever sink THAT low, but hope you get the just.
Sending you continued grace and courage. You rock!
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
she did reply, "OM1 just told me today that they were scheming ideas on how to get back at us. Did they actually get together??!!"
then I replied, "How much do you want to know? I have texts, FB screenshots, and email. And I have never cheated on WW. That is a lie she told herself and other people to justify her actions. I can send these things to your email. Let me know."
And there it is...
I am telling myself one more message, if she asks for it, then I'm done.
You exposed. She responded. She is now aware of something that has gone on with her WH and your WW. Your job here is done, unless she asks for more information/contact. You can now move on to the next obstacle.
Keep getting your ducks in a row. Keep detaching. Don't be surprised if you experience setbacks---this would be normal.
As far as the NC letter...make her do it. Who cares how uncomfortable it is for her. Tough, she dug that ditch.
I found this site too late and let my fWH railroad me into how the M/relationship was going to be after D-day.
I was so worried about him leaving, that I put up with so much to keep the peace. Don't do that. They are not going anywhere or they would have left already. Take control.
Call her bluff and say okay. I can't trust...you gave me no reason to trust you. Deal with it or get out.
Who runs the show in your marriage? If it is your wife, then perhaps this is your chance to step up and lead your family through this tough time. She may have more respect for you as you draw the line.
No reaction frm WW so I guess that means NC is still in tact. So that's something positive....like frosting on a turd cupcake.
I got a phone call from her father at 3am that she was at the hospital. Apparently she had taken 9-12 tylenol pm. FIL told me they are going to get her inpatient hospitalization (even if it takes a court order). He informed me that MIL and him are totally supportive of me and that I should be the one to raise DD. I said, "will you testify to that effect?" He also told me that they will not help WS in any way with legal expenses (he must not know that due to her disability she is entitled to free or greatly reduced legal costs, oh well). I'm still not sorry for what I said. WS is just using this tactic to manipulate. A small part of me hoped that the 3am call was that WS is dead, but death would be too easy of a way out for her. I told the inlaws I would be by this afternoon to pick up DD and take her home with me. They can deal with the damaged goods.
Unfortunately it's "spring break" and my lawyer is on vacation til the 14th.
Despite all of this, I'm still very comfortable with the way I've handled this. I feel I can leave with a very clear conscience, and with the knowledge I was the better person, and I gave WS multiple chances to right the wrongs. I know I may not have handled this the "textbook" way, but I have no regrets with the way I handled this humungous turd sandwich