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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: too many issues
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Five months ago I gave myself a 6 month waiting period for my WW to fix her shit. I gave her clear expectations of what I needed to heal and what she had to do for me to consider reconciliation. While she was working on that, I was working on me and preparing for an exit strategy. I've been very busy, WW....eh not so much. Continues with the online sex chats, etc...only a matter of time before the random internet fuckbuddys start coming over to the house. I saw a chat from a guy from Australia last week and I offered to buy WW a one way ticket to Australia for her birthday.

I have interviewed 4 attorneys, and have chosen one. Only need to squirrel away another $400 without WW knowing to be able to pay $3000 retainer. She doesn't know I even talked to attorneys.

I have 3 options on suitable living arrangements for me and my daughter. It's a real bitch to find a nice place that will allow 2 small dogs. I hate this fucking house. She can have it (after paying me my share of equity:)) I also have 2 options on daycare if needed.

I have taken measures to protect myself financially. I have already changed everything I can legally change. I also have some other paperwork to file as soon as D is filled with regards to will, poa, etc.

I have attended IC weekly for the last 5 months. I no longer get emotional over the death of my marriage. It is what it was. The only thing that continues to upset me is the fact that I will miss time with my daughter. Because no matter how batshiat crazy my WW is, she has done nothing illegal or to put daughter in danger so courts wouldn't grant me full custody. (all 4 attorneys stated as much, I could always ask, but it most likely would be denied) I live in a no fault state.

I'm really glad I gave myself this time. I was able to see my daughters first steps. I was able to hear her first words. Countless giggle fits and several evenings falling asleep in my arms. First Christmas. First birthday party's. First experience in the snow. I made her first batch of baked ziti that she was able to gnash her way through, while at the same time turning our dining room floor a lovely shade of tomato. And all of these and other wonderful things also serve to build up the resentment for WW and the fact I will never forget what she did. I will never accept what she did. I will not forgive her for forcing me into the choice of what living situation I must endure to be the BEST father I can be. And if that makes me a pussy, so be it...I'm comfortable with that.

So many people and articles in the reading library have been so helpful to me. I thank you.

[This message edited by Michman at 8:56 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She outright refused to give me complete and total access to her cell phone, emails, and social networking accounts. Yes, this really bothers me. She claims it would shred her sense of privacy and that if I can't trust her we should just end the marriage.

I think she's at least got that right.
Take or borrow some money and file for divorce. The sooner you get away from this destructive force the better you and your daughter will be. She has obviously abandoned you, the marriage, and her daughter.
I couldn't let that shit stand for another day.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well you have clearly made a path for yourself and will be just fine. Who knows maybe your CSTBXW will be willing to hand over primary custody to you so she can have more time tO really ruin her life.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8086 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Michman,

Dude, I read your entire story on this thread. It took me a long time to take it all in. So, I'm going to comment on a few things. When I first started reading your posts I felt that:

1. You still loved your wife...a lot. That was one reason I could come up with for why you would ever put up with what she was doing. Her actions were and continue to be so outrageous and blatently "cheating in your face."

2. You were terrified of loosing custody of your daughter. Another reason for why you would put up with her shit for so damn long. You sound like a terrific Dad! When you D this woman who is destroying you, you will still be a terrific Dad. Please remember that!

3. Finances. Nobody wants to be broke, especially when you have little ones to take care of. Legit reason for being scared shitless to D. It takes courage to make big changes in your life. You are about to be brave.

Your latest posts refer to all the plans you have made for D. She has done countless things behind your back, so you owe her no warning about the D. I really feel for your pain. The sooner you detach, the better off you will be.

I hope you keep posting. I wish you well, especially with those kids of yours who you love so, so much.



BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Five months ago I gave myself a 6 month waiting period for my WW to fix her shit.

Well that's another 6 months of your life you threw away on what amounts to an unremorseful, self serving, lying, sneaky and generally poor excuse for a woman. I too have read this entire thread and I'm sick, I cant imagine what you feel like. Personally I could not endure another minute let alone another month of her shit. And even if by some miracle she decided to change tomorrow I still would not waste another minute on her. Dude, you deserve an award for putting up with the most shit I've ever heard of in regard to infidelity. And that's not a compliment !!! There comes a time when you just gotta toss in the towel. And that time was 5 months ago. Don't waste another day on this whore. Yep I said it she is a whore. And I'm not saying this to try and piss you off or to hurt you. I'm saying it because its true. I should know because I was M to a whore also. After D-day and my subsequent S/D I discovered my XWW had quite the extra curricular life going on all the I was oblivious to it. Sure the signs were there, but hey hindsight is 20/20. Even after D-day my XWW did not stop her shit. She lied during a very brief R, but could not stop. So I had to stop her from hurting me. And I did and don't regret it for one single second.

It was tuff for me to accept that my W, the mother of my children was in fact a whore. But that's exactly what she was and continued to be. After our S/D she went on a MM frenzy. Must have had at least 5 or 6 affairs with MM that I know of. And that number could be quite higher to be honest. And unlike your WW who likes to meet strangers my XWW actually went after men she knew. Coworkers, husbands of friends, old BF's, FB hook ups etc. That woman marched through MM like Sherman marched through Georgia. But my one saving grace was I was not directly in the middle of her insanity any longer. You claim your WW is a good mother. But I ask you is this the type of person you want raising your D ? Kids learn from example and is this the example you want set ? And lets not forget the safety issue that comes with her lifestyle. These men are in your home and quite possibly when your child is there. She is not a good mother and stop saying she is. Dude if I were you I would not wait another minute to file for D. Cut your losses now bro.

I really hope that things go your way during the D. But don't count on the courts doing the right thing either. My XWW's lifestyle had no bearing on my D or custody. Shit she was awarded full custody and I got standardized visitation. All because I worked too many hours. But hey that's how it goes. But now for the good news. Since my D my life has grown by leaps and bounds. I am much happier and while I had my ups and downs in the beginning my decision to D and end the misery was the best decision I ever made. I hope the same for you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5590 | Registered: Nov 2007
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People can't turn off their love and emotions for their spouse overnight. So while this last 5 months has been a living hell for you, I am not surprised that it has taken this long to detach as much as you have. Sure, you could have started to detach earlier, and saved some time, but for what you have gone through, this timeline is not that surprising.

It is amazing what our WSs can do to us. They way that they learn to virtually hate us...and the ability to drive us to the same mindset. How do they become this way? Did they change overnight, or was this ability always an underlying possibility of their character...and we were too blind to see it?

You can delve deeper in those questions after you get away from your wife. Get that D rolling TODAY...because it will continue to be hell until it is finalized. There are more months of this shit ahead of you---possibly even worse, if your WW is vindictive.

Keep protecting yourself, and get out of this toxic situation, as soon as humanly possible.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no regrets with the way I handled my situation. (with a lot of help from some of the people here)

I can assure you this, when that D is filed, no turning, looking back.

I am at peace with my decision because it is the way I can be the best father and best person I can be.

I am the better person. I was before DDay, and I certainly have been after DDay.

I'm going to blindside that bitch so hard it will probably tighten her vagina back up.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Michman, I'm so happy you're in a position to move on soon with the D. One day this will all be in the rear-view. You're almost there, and you should be in a good position after all your strategic planning. Of course it's not a position you would have chosen....but you'll make the best of it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's something I did not expect.

I contacted OM1's wife via Facebook msg. a couple of days ago. I only asked for her email address to send her a message of a "personal nature." Obviously I chose not to spam her work email with a message of adultry...I thought it was a classy move on my part.

Today she replied, "Please leave me alone. Things are bad. I have it taken care of."

I don't want to waste much more time or energy with this, but I'm curious as to your thoughts? I'm leaning towards no further action required. But I just couldn't help myself, I responded with a "so you know they fucked all st patty's weekend 2012" whoops....guess that's just a bit o rage coming out, lol

[This message edited by Michman at 5:53 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
bluewater
♂ Member
Member # 9297
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like he got to her facebook and replied.

Posts: 489 | Registered: Jan 2006
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Michman, it's a hard call, whether or not to confirm it really was the OBS...part of me thinks let it go, to help you continue to detach. In time, I think the right way will appear.
I hope your ducks are in a row, so much that when you blindside her, your pussy will tighten up.

Several poser's dicks will light up, burn, and fall off...give it time...


Posts: 6485 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm betting she is attempting to rugsweep the whole thing. Or he has her email. I think I would make one last attempt by sending her an email to her work. Just stating that you want to be sure she had received the info. If she responds the same then that is her choice.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8086 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have conducted yourself so well so far. I admire your strength. Please don't blow it now.

IMHO, if you are headed for D, court may be a part of your life. From this point forward, do not put anything in writing that you would not comfortably read to a judge in open court.

As to further contact, OM1's wife has asked you not to contact her. What do you think a judge or jury will think of you if you persist?

Sounds like you have hit the anger stage, which is a healthy and normal reaction to this insanity. But please be careful where you vent...SI being an awesome place to do so.

Please don't take this as belittling you or your pain. I have read your story, and have great respect for all you have accomplished in such a short time. The words are only meant to help.

Shorter version of the above, as my momma used to say: don't sink to her level....OK, doubt you could ever sink THAT low, but hope you get the just.

Sending you continued grace and courage. You rock!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 679 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugg, now I'm beginning to wish I never had even messaged her.

she did reply, "OM1 just told me today that they were scheming ideas on how to get back at us. Did they actually get together??!!"

then I replied, "How much do you want to know? I have texts, FB screenshots, and email. And I have never cheated on WW. That is a lie she told herself and other people to justify her actions. I can send these things to your email. Let me know."

And there it is...

I am telling myself one more message, if she asks for it, then I'm done.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't forget to tell her about this site as well when you send the info. She may need it the help.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like OM1's wife is finally seeing through the fog.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you believe that this is the OM's BS that is trying to contact you, then you need not contact her for anything...unless she asks you to.

You exposed. She responded. She is now aware of something that has gone on with her WH and your WW. Your job here is done, unless she asks for more information/contact. You can now move on to the next obstacle.

Keep getting your ducks in a row. Keep detaching. Don't be surprised if you experience setbacks---this would be normal.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That privacy bullshit it just that bullshit. It is her way of controlling you still. Get it, or kick her out. She doesn't get to dictate anything. If she has any questions...then direct her here and let her know that she doesn't deserve privacy. She isn't entitled to it.

As far as the NC letter...make her do it. Who cares how uncomfortable it is for her. Tough, she dug that ditch.

I found this site too late and let my fWH railroad me into how the M/relationship was going to be after D-day.

I was so worried about him leaving, that I put up with so much to keep the peace. Don't do that. They are not going anywhere or they would have left already. Take control.

Call her bluff and say okay. I can't trust...you gave me no reason to trust you. Deal with it or get out.

Who runs the show in your marriage? If it is your wife, then perhaps this is your chance to step up and lead your family through this tough time. She may have more respect for you as you draw the line.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 931 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing but crickets since my last message. I'll try her work email next week just to see if she got my FB messages and then I'm done.

No reaction frm WW so I guess that means NC is still in tact. So that's something positive....like frosting on a turd cupcake.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS broke NC with Adult Friend Finder fwb and others on that site. She was at her parents house. I called my IC and spoke to him first. This was around 930pm. Then I called her and told her I knew and that I would pick up DD tomorrow and would appreciate if she would just stay at her parents for a few days. I told her I refuse to remain in a relationship where I am treated with such disrespect. I refuse to remain in a relationship where she selfishly does whatever she wants and doesn't care about the pain she causes me. And I am done giving out second chances and I am done waiting for her to get serious and fix her shit. WS basically said she is not going to stay away, and that I couldn't take DD anywhere without her. Then she started the usual "you've been emotionally unavailable" (No shit, I'm detaching, duh) and trying to blame me for her behaviors, which I told her to take those excuses and shove them up her ass, like she likes to shove everything else. More blameshifting, rugsweeping, you name it. The conversation went downhill pretty quickly. I said some very harsh and angry things and I'm not sorry about it one bit. It was all true.

I got a phone call from her father at 3am that she was at the hospital. Apparently she had taken 9-12 tylenol pm. FIL told me they are going to get her inpatient hospitalization (even if it takes a court order). He informed me that MIL and him are totally supportive of me and that I should be the one to raise DD. I said, "will you testify to that effect?" He also told me that they will not help WS in any way with legal expenses (he must not know that due to her disability she is entitled to free or greatly reduced legal costs, oh well). I'm still not sorry for what I said. WS is just using this tactic to manipulate. A small part of me hoped that the 3am call was that WS is dead, but death would be too easy of a way out for her. I told the inlaws I would be by this afternoon to pick up DD and take her home with me. They can deal with the damaged goods.

Unfortunately it's "spring break" and my lawyer is on vacation til the 14th.

Despite all of this, I'm still very comfortable with the way I've handled this. I feel I can leave with a very clear conscience, and with the knowledge I was the better person, and I gave WS multiple chances to right the wrongs. I know I may not have handled this the "textbook" way, but I have no regrets with the way I handled this humungous turd sandwich


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
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