A huge theme of your posts since I've been a member here have had to do with the extreme stress that your finances have caused you. This sounds like a great way to get some relief and get your life back on track. I say go for it!
this at least seems like a more permanent solution to selling off things in ebay :). This will allow you to save money/ regroup and prepare for moving forward.
i can relate very much to your arguments with sister - i have very similar sister. (she gets upset with me (or anyone) if they are every upset with her for anything!!
also, remember to put targets for yourself - how much to save etc, as surely after this long struggling the inclinations will be to spend a bit :).
I am sure Piper will love being close to grandpa :)
I also have a fairly crippling student loan and I've been able to make some huge strides towards getting it under control.
^^^THIS THIS and THIS
My student loans are probably my biggest financial burden of all! I have 4! All of which are refinanced to the lowest extreme I can get as far as payments go and 1 of which I have on forbearance until April 2014. Once that kicks back in though.... I won't have enough money for groceries anymore. Another reason for this decision.
I think dad will see the long-term benefits of having this close time with Piper while she is little.....and before she starts school. He is the only biological grandparent that she has that is in her life at all! It saddens me but it would make me very happy to see them have an even stronger bond than they already do. Piper loves him very much and I'm very much a "Daddy's girl!" I'm my dad's only biological child and he adopted my sister when she was 8. But, he has never treated us differently. He is truly a very good man and I'm proud to have him as my dad and very thankful to his open heart and kindness regarding this whole situation.
Plus, it might be nice for her to have a male figure in her life that is close to her to look up to. He has a lot of life experience and is very responsible and kind and is the kind of influence I would want Piper to have in her life. I want her to know what a REAL man is supposed to act like and he is a wonderful rolemodel to that.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:36 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
The words about giving Piper a man to look up to really touched me.
What a gift to give to your daughter. A less anxious and stressed mom and a closer loving relationship with her grandpa.
Something tells me you are going to be just fine.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”
Something tells me you are going to be just fine.
Thank you. Me too. Today my dad has already blessed me with the gift of calmness. I've felt a sense of relief all day. All I could see was darkness not weeks ago....and now I see the light... and its beautiful!
Granted...I will be making many sacrifices....such as probably not even attempting to date for 3 years....loss of independence....pride reduction...etc... But, those things are SO WORTH building a better future for my child... a stronger, more secure future! Giving her a less stressed mommy and more time with her grandpa! Taking back my life!
I'm not exactly sure when I want to tell my sister yet though. I told dad to keep it between us while we iron out the details. I may wait until after the holidays to break the news. I won't be officially moving until March 1st because I want my tax return to help me get a storage unit set up, pay for the U-Haul and other expenses. And, my sister being the drama vacuum that she is....I would prefer to not give her anymore sucking power time than absolutely necessary. I fully expect her to not react well at first...so I will have to prepare for the worst case scenario and figure out how to best handle it when it comes about.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:08 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
Granted...I will be making many sacrifices....such as probably not even attempting to date for 3 years....loss of independence....pride reduction...etc...
I totally get all of this. Hell, I really wanted to ask my Optometrist out on Monday (she was really attractive and she complimented my optic nerve. She MUST have liked me!) but I didn't because I don't want "going back to my place" to mean meeting Mom. It sucks but it's a hell of a lot better than financial stress.
I really hope your Dad is up for it because this sounds like it could be great for you.
Also, are you going to start paying her now, or in March after you move? Isn't that going to upset her more than you moving, having to wait that long to be paid?
[This message edited by cissi at 1:26 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
You are going to pay her what she asked, right? What is there for her to be upset about?
Well, to give you an idea... and I love my sister...but she is the epitome of what a "Drama Queen" is. She thrives on drama and if its not in her life, she looks for it! I'm going to try to angle this all in her favor because IT IS.... but she will take it and probably try to "spin it" like Dad and I are against her or some other odd spin on it like I am just doing it to shut her up (which is kinda true). I'm just preparing for the drama. I told my dad that he and I could go out into the wilderness and live in a cave as long as we had all that we needed to survive and be perfectly happy in our nice BORING cave! My sister, on the other hand, would eventually hate the "boring" and go in search of a big bear to rile up!
But, I'm prepared for this....and I don't care what she says... she doesn't have a say in the matter. This is between my dad and I and she can either go with it and continue to watch Piper....or someone else can reap the benefits of my childcare money!
Isn't that going to upset her more than you moving, having to wait that long to be paid?
I will start paying her on March 1st when I move. She won't get mad because that's more money than she is getting now which is ZERO because I can't afford childcare in my current situation. I won't have rent owed after I give notice to my landlord, so that's when I will be able to afford to pay her. The funny thing about this whole situation is that she KNEW in ADVANCE while I was PREGNANT that I couldn't pay her to watch my child and she BEGGED me to do it because she (and I quote) "wanted her niece to know her before she died" (she has cerebral palsy). So, its not like she didn't know my financial situation going into this or that I was paying her and just stopped one day. She knew well before my daughter was born what the situation would be like. This is not new news. But, I am going to remedy this problem now because the animosity I am receiving due to her resentment is too much to bear any longer. I need my sanity back.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 1:43 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
I for one am ecstatic you are doing this.
I do not post much, but I do follow some people's stories, yours being one.
I am so happy that you are able to move in with your dad. This is great news!!! You've had sooo much pressure on you, I don't know how you survived it!
God bless and wishing you and your daughter the best!
They were right about you.
I'm trying to give my dad a little space to "take in" all that we talked about last night. We spoke briefly this evening after my run but I didn't bring it up. I want him to really think about it. He already said yes and said it wasn't a problem but I'm glad that he has some time to think about it. I don't have to get my sister involved in the decision until after the holidays which I'm glad about. It gives me time to regroup and get my plan finalized and in order for when I sit down with her.
I know my dad is worried about her reaction... as am I... but it will be what it will be and I will try to be wise on the "timing" of the discussion.
I think this will happen at the perfect time....and my dad will get more bonding time with Piper. I'm excited about that.
Don't get me wrong--he has made me crazy over the years at times, and I'm sure he's been less than happy with me for maybe two or three minutes.
I guess with all this I'm saying--don't feel like you are swallowing your pride, don't feel like you have to continue to be bullied and emotionally abused by your sister because you're not doing what she wants. Right now the only priority you have to worry about is your baby girl and doing what's good for her. She won't be little forever. In the blink of an eye she will be in school and then time moves at an even faster pace. And your second priority is taking care of YOU. Screw what everyone else says about your decision. So what if they think it's a step backwards to move back in with your dad. They aren't in your situation so they don't get a vote. As mothers we do whatever we have to for our children. It sounds like your dad is a stand-up guy who loves you more than you probably can even imagine. I think you're going to find that this is a big step in the right direction for you. Don't let your sister or anyone else steal your sunshine. You can love your sister without letting her be the boss of you. You are the boss of you. Don't be a victim of her emotional blackmail anymore.
Good luck to you and I hope everything works out just as you hope it will. You and Piper deserve the best. You are on your way.
You can love your sister without letting her be the boss of you. You are the boss of you. Don't be a victim of her emotional blackmail anymore.
Thank you so much Meaniemouse!
I have felt like she emotionally blackmails me. If we get into an argument, she knows that all she has to do is threaten to not watch Piper anymore and then I have no choice (right now) but to back down and let her wipe her feet on my back....once again falling into the doormat role of my beaten past. I don't want to be a doormat anymore. I love her and she can continue to watch my daughter and get paid.....OR she can let HER pride get in the way and she can tell me to go elsewhere! Whatever she chooses..... so be it. That will be HER decision, not mine.
I love the idea of my dad walking Piper down the aisle. If he is still around when she gets married, I hope she wants the same thing too! That would be perfect! I remember a wedding picture of me where my dad is kissing my cheek before I walked down the aisle to marry XWH.... and he had tears in his eyes of joy.... it was a perfect moment! I love him so much!
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:29 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:11 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
They don't treat her differently, but she can conjure up different treatment out of thin air. Drama, outright BPD behaviour, snide remarks--all part of her arsenal. She will do wonderful things, then complain if she doesn't get enough--and it's never enough--gratitude or compliments. Some of the time she is actually nice. And get this: She is THE BEST auntie to my grandchildren--in EVERY way. Sound familiar? Maybe your sister has that same abandonment problem;, if so, your moving in with your dad could certainly trigger something, so be forewarned
This is my sister to a TEE. And, I know. I am preparing myself for the WORST as far as how the conversation is going to go with her. I KNOW she won't take it well so I am going to have my shields up and ready for battle when the bullets start flying! But, she is going to have to get over it. Because this isn't JUST about her. This is about me and trying to get myself back into a good financial position. And, I just can't do it next year once that other student loan kicks in. I can't and I refuse to struggle just because she tries the old "You don't have to pay me" or "You are dad are against me" or "We will figure things out as they come" speeches. I've heard them all before and they didn't work. THIS solution WILL work for all parties involved. It is ultimately a WIN WIN!
My sister and I share the same mom but my dad adopted her. She tests him and I constantly and her real dad was a real smuck. He left as soon as he realized my sister had cerebral palsy. My mom dumped her at my grandmother's house for weeks on end and wasn't the best mother in the world....and an alcoholic binge drinker to boot! My dad came into the picture and turned my mom around and made her be more responsible and they gave my sister a stable home. They had me when she was 8 years old.....and ever since then.... she says I was the "prodigy child" because I wasn't "broken" blah blah blah. I hate being scolded for being spoiled by my parents. I DIDN'T DO IT! But, I pay for it..... every day of my life.
She is good to my daughter. Piper loves her very much. I just need a change. In a BIG way!
that sounds very reasonable and I think you should go for it. You are a very good mom AND sister !
Hugs to you !!
Thank you. I think the guilt of having to ask for help (which I HATE doing) and the blow to my pride has been bothering me the most over the past few days. Dad said that it was fine...but he did try to offer other options. One being he could pay my sister $200 a month under the table through me. That won't work for many reasons. 1. If she ever found out, there would be hell to pay! 2. Eventually dad would ALSO resent me for having to do that. 3. Eventually $200 wouldn't be enough for her and she would complain (and if that happens while I'm still living in my duplex, I won't be able to afford alternate childcare at that rate) and 4. That doesn't solve the problem of my other student loan kicking in in April thus making buying groceries impossible.
He said that it would definitely affect his lifestyle.....and I told him I understood that...that it would be an adjustment and it would be a HUGE blow to my lifestyle too....but that it would be short-lived. I spelled out my other only 2 options (roommate and smaller apartment) but the cons outweigh the pros in both of those situations and the financial gain might not be as much as one might think in either of those but the drama and frustrations and stress would still be there....but exponentially worse!
He agreed to the move and he agreed to not say anything to my sister until after the holidays. I dread that conversation.....and would rather jump off the Empire State Building than have it.... (and I'm afraid of heights)... but... it will have to be done. I just need to get all of my ducks in a row first.....take a deep breath....and jump (pun intended!)
I don't like feeling like a burden to my dad....and I hope he will see how this could be a good thing over time...more time with Piper to bond....and with me. More help around the house and with bills as well as not being in a big huge empty house alone all the time..... but only time will tell.
I just feel bad. It must be what it feels like when your pride dies a little....
I just feel bad. It must be what it feels like when your pride dies a little....
no no no no no... and one more no!
What I see is a loving mom seeking help for her child. There is no loss of pride in that. NONE.
Chin up and be proud of yourself. You have been faced with some tough life situations (divorce, single motherhood, financial issues, stress, your somewhat crazy ex and his gf on the periphery, and your recent health glitch).
I, for one, am proud of you for mapping out a solid, feasible, sensible plan. That is prideful. Good for you Shelly!
Thank you very much. I'm always one to question myself and then question myself again. Its a bad habit. I like to try to make the "right" decisions and now that I have a daughter, the impact of those decisions is that much more of an issue. I want and need to do what is best for her and for us as a mother/daughter team; cause that's what we are!
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:07 AM, November 15th (Friday)]
This decision has NOTHING to do with her - except for the fact that she will now be PAID for her services. If she doesn't like that, so be it.
If I'm you, I'm looking into back-up child care for when this gets announced. We already know she holds watching/not watching Piper over your head - take that power away from her!
When you deal with people like this you have to think offensively - have plans A, B, C in place BEFORE you speak to her.
She can have all the little hissy drama fits she wants. What's key is you and your dad come at this as a united front.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!