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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: trying to approach dday anniversary differently
Alyssamd24
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Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night after working all day, making dinner, putting our DD to bed, and making her lunch I sat down and hemmed my BH uniform pants. As I was sewing I thought about how I really felt like a "wife". And I absolutely loved it! !

This is my A season....last year at this time I was still heavily involved in my A. As the dday anniversary gets closer I know that things will get tough for me and my BH...especially during the holidays. I am preparing myself for the support my BH is going to need for me and am hoping I will be able to help him through it.

I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this...I wish that this is something we never had to deal with...but I keep looking back and comparing this year to last, and am realizing how much better things are now....my life was such a mess when I was in the A and now its still complicated, but at least I am working on it.

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again.....without the lying, and hiding things. Without the worry about what if my husband finds out. I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.

I was thinking the EXACT same thing only this morning.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish that this is something we never had to deal with...but I keep looking back and comparing this year to last, and am realizing how much better things are now....my life was such a mess when I was in the A and now its still complicated, but at least I am working on it.
I was talking to a friend about this yesterday. Our marriage is a complete 180 from what it used to be. My last affair was that "come to Jesus" that turned the ship around. What I am today is great. What I have now is great. But it came at a very high cost. I have such a hard time accepting that. Everyone's all, "Yeah but look what you have now!" All I can think is, yeah but look at that cost!

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again
I'm glad you're at this place again. I can't really say the same thing. I'm not "myself" again. I'm something completely different. I've had to rewire everything about myself. For me, it was a lifetime of screwed up. There was never a healthy me that one day came off the rails. I started off the rails. It's been an interesting, exhausting process.

Alyssa, I'm really glad you're in a better place. But please listen to me. Year two can kick your butt. I remember someone telling me the same thing and I said, "Pshhhhh, yeah right!" Ohhhh no. It really kicked our butts. Hold onto your good moments. Hold onto your calm times. They will tide you over when the storms rise again. Take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:45 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this...I wish that this is something we never had to deal with...

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again.....without the lying, and hiding things. Without the worry about what if my husband finds out. I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.

One of the advantages of this community is that we can realize that we aren't alone. I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this, too. I wish that this is something we never had to deal with, too. It is nice to now be in a place without the lying and hiding things, without the worry about what if my husband finds out. I feel more confident and relaxed in my relationship than I probably ever have. However, Aubrie is right, just because you get past the first antiversary doesn't mean you're out of the woods. There are still hard times to come and you'll need the good times to hold onto.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 279 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,
You bring up a good point, thank you.

I know I have a long way to go before I heal myself and there is a lot of work I have to do....I know I am not out of the woods yet. There is still a lot of work I need to do to figure myself out.

I am just grateful for the changes that have already happened. I am still very angry and disgusted with myself, but am just happy I am more honest than I was last year at this time.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just grateful for the changes that have already happened. I am still very angry and disgusted with myself, but am just happy I am more honest than I was last year at this time.
I understand. I felt the same way. At a year out, I was a sooooo different from the affair-era me.

Keep up the good work.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6227 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again.....

Wh has said the exact same thing.

With our antiversary less than 36 hours away, I am hoping I can remember this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working on keeping my BS sane through this time as well. It's our first Anti, and she's doing amazingly well. So proud of her, even though I wish I hadn't brought her to this.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 797 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.
I was just thinking of this yesterday. We're about 14 months out from my last dday. So awful how something as seemingly benign as leaving a phone out became such a stressor! Feels pretty good to let go of all of the lies and live authentically!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 18 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 507 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I was sewing I thought about how I really felt like a "wife". And I absolutely loved it! !

Did you happen to share this feeling with him? I can tell you from experience that sharing these thoughts, these moments with your BH can go a long way. Let him know what you are thinking. To this day (almost 3 1/2 years later) my BH will still wonder if cuddling on the couch after a day's work and watching TV is exciting enough for me. Given my actions in the past, I can understand fully why he would wonder. But honestly, there is no place I would rather be! It's the part of the day I look forward to. But he still checks in every now and then for reassurance. So when moments hit me, I try to share them with him. I want him to know how fortunate I feel to be where we are today. Share your moments with your BH. I'm sure he would appreciate hearing them.

As far as feeling like your old self goes, I have to agree with Aubrie. I was always dysfunctional. I feel I am someone very different today. A new and much improved version of myself. Keep working on yourself. It really is a journey with no final destination. Year two is when the dust settles and the disaster of it all really sinks in. A lot of processing occurs. Not just for him but you as well.

Good luck!


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 680 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you happen to share this feeling with him? I can tell you from experience that sharing these thoughts, these moments with your BH can go a long way

Ditto! As a BW I longed for the days that my FWH would bring up these kinds of things. He rarely did as he thought it would trigger me/bring me down, but in fact it does the opposite. It really is a bonding moment.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6379 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't shared all these thoughts with him yet but certaintly will. I did make a joke about feeling like a "real wife" and told him I really did enjoy it....but I will be sure to tell him.

I know that there was (is) something wrong with me and still have to get to the bottom of it. I am not seeing my C anymore and can't find a new one right now, but once I am able to again I want to start C again.....


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 836 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right on

I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this...I wish that this is something we never had to deal with

I think we all do.

Aubrie

I understand. I felt the same way. At a year out, I was a sooooo different from the affair-era me.

I can agree, I see it in myself if noone else does there is a difference before affair, during affair, and now.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
Topic Posts: 13

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