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User Topic: My poor daughter - Bus Stop issues. Sorry long.
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all a little bullying never hurt anyone

I have no wish to be confrontational, but I just have to post, to say that I totally and completely disagree with this.

In my opinion, even mild bullying can do lasting damage.

Yes, encourage children to fight their own battles: but bullying is different. Yes, sadly, it is often impossible to prevent or stop it. But I think it of crucial importance that those who become aware of actual bullying, and are in a position to intervene, never, ever, allow any of it to go unchallenged.

From little acorns, great oaks grow. Both negative and positive.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:33 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


Posts: 2019 | Registered: Mar 2009
bluelady
♀ Member
Member # 11061
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree with Sully.

I teach junior high health and one of our units is to discuss bullying and I can tell you first hand that the kids DO NOT understand the difference between bullying and conflict. As we got talking about bullying in class, one student decided to share a story, claiming she had been bullied. She said that she and her best friend had gotten into an argument and that her best friend had called her a b****. When I asked her what happened next, she said that nothing happened - she and her friend didn't speak to each other for the rest of the day and made up that evening. It took me a long time before I could get them to see how that was conflict and not bullying.

They also have a hard time in understanding how unintentional, yet rude, behaviour may not be bullying. I told them the story of how, once, I had a friend ask me if her top made her look pregnant. It kinda did, so I was honest. Her feelings were hurt. They saw that as bullying because what I said was mean, even though it was an unintentional, one time occurrence.

My take is that this girl expected your daughter to walk with her or speak with her after they got off the bus and when she ran home, interpreted that as running away from her. Because she may not understand what bullying means, her feelings were hurt and because of that, jumped right to bullying. And, Sully's right again. When someone is labelled a bully, right or not, there is a stigma that gets attached to them because they are told over and over how bad bullies are. No one wants to be friends with a bad kid. What they don't get is that, in their efforts to "avoid the bully", they are now participating in intentional, prolonged, isolating behaviour - ie, bullying.

I think you're doing the right thing by your daughter. Give her the tools to stand up for herself, yet be kind. I truly think that, with time, this will blow over.


Me (BS): 33

Divorced


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: a little bit of everywhere
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SD))) It sounds like the other little girl has found a clever new way to bully: accuse the other of bullying to rally support.

I'd nonchalantly mention it to the teacher. My daughter's elementary school was literally terrorized by one girl with poor self-esteem--a "popular" girl (who was universally feared--not just by the girls, who wanted to be friends because a few days' "friendship" could spare them a few days' pain---but by every.single.mother in the grade).

Once the teachers were aware, they did a very good job of providing support to the other kids and--eventually pinpointed some reasons for the girl's behavior and addressed that, as well.


BS-me, 52
WH(Mr. Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS17
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 7967 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your continued support for DD7 and myself.

I completely understand that not all kids understand the difference between being mean/rude and bullying. The principal even told me the same thing. She also said that she knows L's family and "highly doubts they would contact me."

There could be some level of neglect there because I've seen her running down the sidewalk with a waffle in her hand for breakfast. I always felt bad for her because of that and that her mother never picked her up on bad weather days.

DD7 did't take the bus today because I had to go get my license renewed (5 minutes, in and out! Can you believe it?!) so I dropped her off at school today, but she'll take the bus home. The other mom and kids were nice to DD7 when L wasn't at the bus stop Friday. We'll see how it all goes this week.

The odd thing... If she actually told her family that my two were bullying her then wouldn't they want to go to the bus stop with her to make sure she was all right? They haven't showed up once since this whole thing started.

I met the mother before and we chatted briefly over the summer and she's seem very nice. I really can't get a good read on the family though. The step-father is really nice. I don't know...

solus, they're not in the same grade so they have very little contact, if any, during the day. It would only be on the bus. I wasn't sure if I should let her teacher know, but I did talk to the principal and she said that she would talk to L along with the guidance counselor to explain the difference.

My take is that this girl expected your daughter to walk with her or speak with her after they got off the bus and when she ran home, interpreted that as running away from her. Because she may not understand what bullying means, her feelings were hurt and because of that, jumped right to bullying. And, Sully's right again. When someone is labelled a bully, right or not, there is a stigma that gets attached to them because they are told over and over how bad bullies are. No one wants to be friends with a bad kid. What they don't get is that, in their efforts to "avoid the bully", they are now participating in intentional, prolonged, isolating behaviour - ie, bullying.

This is a very good point. I was thinking almost in the reverse. That if my two were running home and ended up being behind her that she could have thought they were chasing her, but I didn't think that L would think they were running away from her.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5354 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

some level of neglect there because I've seen her running down the sidewalk with a waffle in her hand for breakfast.
careful here.

This is how false rumors and gossip start. Could be the child ate breakfast and wanted just one more, so grabbed it and ran out the door.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that, and I didn't mean for it sound that way. That was just one thing that popped into my mind while I was typing that post. There are other instances as well that concerned me before all this stuff started.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5354 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understood. I'm just the mom of 4, and I know how frazzled it gets sometimes, and there is no neglect. Someone with one child would look at someone else with several, and just because the children's hair is not brushed, or they are wearing mismatched clothes, they would think the children are being neglected, when that is not the case.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust me, I have two and some mornings are just so chaotic I could cry. Last Friday my daughter got out of bed 40 minutes late which left me scrambling to get them to their proper buses on time.

I would never think that a child is neglected because of mismatched clothes or unbrushed hair.

I apologize for my last post if I didn't explain myself clearly enough.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day's, listed in profile)


Posts: 5354 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have five children and I do not pick up my kids on bad weather days? I do not think that and the waffle on the way to the bus amount to neglect in any form. Hope it gets better with your dd, but I agree I would be careful with statements like these.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Aug 2009
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

simplydevastated, you did explain yourself just fine

When I had one child, I was one to judge others. Of course, I had it all figured out...my child was going to behave perfectly, and I had it all under control. When the second child came along and I was not on top of things anymore, humility quickly hit. Then by #4, I just do the best I can, and they are none the worse for it. I was just speaking from my own experience.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, even mild bullying can do lasting damage.

Yes, encourage children to fight their own battles: but bullying is different. Yes, sadly, it is often impossible to prevent or stop it. But I think it of crucial importance that those who become aware of actual bullying, and are in a position to intervene, never, ever, allow any of it to go unchallenged.

I can tell you the 1st and last names of the people that bullied me the most from when I was 11 years old. I am now 34 years old and haven't seen or spoken to most of these people since middle school. Bullying DOES leave a lasting impression and it can leave scars that run deep. I have forgiven those individuals but forgetting is a WHOLE other ballgame.

And, I DO know the difference between conflict and bullying....these people sought me out on almost a daily basis and would make publicly humiliating comments towards me for everyone in class to hear... it was awful. I dreaded going to school everyday and seeing these people and often tried to avoid them. I had my small "click" that I hung out with and tried to stay low-key. Not the way to live out your school days...but I was a fat nerd then....not one of the "cool kids"...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:21 PM, November 18th (Monday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2421 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 31
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