Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: nadines13 (44587)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Unfortunate Marriage
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, she has not shown any type of remorse. She said she checked out the marriage way before the affairs.

She doesn't even know if she wants to be together still. She said she believes she still loves me and that's why she is doing these videos and reading and stuff that the MC gave us.

She is taking depression medicine. Marriage Builders recommends I try to meet her needs so she will fallback in love with me and then try to reconcile the marriage. The book is called How to Survive an Affair.

Not sure if anyone is familiar with it, but it seems good. Some of the issue I am having with both approaches is one seems like I am walking away from her and the other is making it seem like I am giving in...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai - it is very difficult in the beginning. There are many things about infidelity that most people dont understand. Our understanding of cheating is formed by movies, tv, etc that we watch which often does not match real life experience.

The problem with books on infidelity is many of them are written by people who have phd credentials but also dont have any personnel experience with infidelity. I don't doubt they have done research on the subject but you have to understand a big problem with research done on infidelity. People who cheat are very good at lying, this affects their research which then affects their conclusions. Just because they wrote a book doesnt mean they know the answers any better than you do.

There are a number of good books but I also recommend that you gain wisdom from people who have also personnelly dealt with it. SI is a great place to get this type of information. You will find that there often is not a single way to go about things, you will have to figure out what is best for your own situation.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
What?  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, ReunitePangea. That makes sense. Too bad there is no miracle pill that says be healed, return to your marriage, be faithful, forgive and have a better marriage.

On another note I need strength because I am feeling vulnerable now and this women at work has been speaking to me, non-romantically but it seems like it could lead to an affair itself if I am not careful.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she finally opened up somewhat about the affair. She also said she is trying to find feelings for me because she disconnected from me a long time ago due to my pornography use.

We are still going to go away but our MC, said that she should choose reconciliation because that is what God wants. She has setup an appointment for her to go by herself for counseling with the counselor.

At counseling, I told her about a woman that seemed liked she was coming on to me and now she is starting to feel Jealous and she said she is worried that she might lose me when she opens up about the affair.

It feels like things are turning around and the ball is in my court...

She wants to go away with me to see if she can rekindle her feelings for me and get a fire going.

Maybe I am being na´ve but it has definitely put some hope into my situation.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: We are still separated. Because I believe she thinks I am going to hurt her still, or it is a cover up.

on 12/3/2013: She admitted she slept with a "Former" Co-worker. Trickel Truth and the sex acts she engaged in with my Relative.

As of now, she has only said I love you once, and that was when I was in the hospital...probably a lie.

She said she was sorry for disrespecting me and hurting me... Actions do not match language.

She has gone to Xmas party without me, and is going to New Years Party with out me. She has her own bank account and said if we get back together she will use it for a vacation for the family. We went away together and actually had a nice time.

I am slowly checking out because not much is going on... She obviously doesn't love me and therefore I feel like I am wasting my time. I go through the phone records and check almost daily... so annoying.

I have no idea if where this relationship is going to end. She got a hair cut and I expressed I liked it and she said she was glad and that it matter to her that I liked it...

Could she be falling back in love with me after a 2 year affair and an affair with a former co-worker... We been doing devotionals and sharing with one another. I been more open and expressive but I don't discuss anything about how the affair is making me feel, like the images and all that come up, because truthfully, I don't think she cares or gets it.

Now she say's I am a sweet man... Now I am a sweet man. What a joke.

I did confront the OM. I did not get physical, but I may one day... I am going to wait.

After New Year's and this party, I am going to tell her to make a appointment with the marriage counselor and for her own IC. I am going to lay down that I want the following:
1. NC Letter
2. Boundaries
3. Change in Job/hours
4. Passwords to everything. (Do Not Delete Anything)
5. 24 hour schedule notification
6. A change in friends.

Anything else anyone can recommend? If she doesn't agree to it, then I am going to say it's over. I know it's been only 2 months, but I would assume Remorse would be coming in a strong flood, on a daily bases from what I read but I am not seeing it and I am not feeling happy about the progress if any she is making...

I don't know why she thinks she has to power to choose when to Reconcile or not...she messed up!

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:10 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Disclaimer - This is based purely on my own experiences*

Now she say's I am a sweet man... Now I am a sweet man.
I've been called "sweet" more times than I can count. Without fail every time it was said by woman who friend-zoned me or by a woman I was dating who had lost (if she ever had?) any romantic feelings for me. Being called "sweet" is akin being a "nice guy". It's designed to be a safe, sterile compliment imho.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon808,
Then I guess it is time to either call it quits?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't say call it quits just because you said you were a "sweet man". It's just strikes me as not the compliment you give to someone you want to rebuild an intimate relationship with. Whether or not you can (or should) take that as a sign that she is not interested in R or will never be interested in R...well that's for you to decide.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going through this is tough stuff, and doing it with a spouse that uses excuses, and blame rather than attempting to deal with her own shit makes it even harder.

I am a firm and staunch believer of the fact that you can't nice someone back into the M, and that if the WS doesn't suffer some real consequences of what they have done they won't own their shit, and certainly won't do the work to heal themselves or the M.

I think your plan is good. Be prepared to follow through on consequences though. Go see an attorney now if you haven't. Get yourself STD tested, and I would also strongly urge you to get your son paternity tested. If she is admitting to the affair going on that long who knows how long it really is.

Also I would start to call her out on her blame game. It's total and utter bullshit that she blames your porn issues from the past on her choices now. I would call her out on being scared of you as well. That's BS too.

You deserve more, and only you can demand that you receive it.

Stay strong.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is going out with the one friend and some others including her family. It triggered me and I said something about her and this friend and she said the following:


, if we are going to move on these kind of reactions have to disappear cause I can't live like that


If we are going to work things out we are going to have to work really work on these reactions cause I just can't live like that everyday. That's the truth

You can express things by if you can't let go of certain things and they keep coming up that's not moving on


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, she is not remorseful at all. Do you really want to go into the New Year like this?!

Is this is coworker she has been sleeping with?

I would to a lawyer and see what options you have in terms of suing your wife's workplace. Or notify human resources of your wife's affair.

This is just me though, as I know of a few affair partners that lost their jobs when the company became aware of the affair, and/or the betrayed spouse is considering legal action.


Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2013
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be truthful and blunt I see something wrong with you, may be codependency. Its time for a proffessional IC for you.

She slept with another co worker even after getting busted. How much she loves you and your marriage? How much disrespect can you take in a marriage like this.

Stand up man take your rose glasses out and see your wife for what she is.

Hand over the D papers on new years week and get an STD check up and paternity test done.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,
That's called rugsweeping.
That's invalidating your pain.
That's being unwilling to rebuild trust.

There is no remorse there. No caring or concern for you. She doesn't want to be inconvenienced by your hurt which she caused. This would be like someone shooting you and then getting mad at your for bleeding on their carpet.

She said she was going out. You expressed how that made you feel. After all it's not like she's done anything to win back your trust. You're not a priority for her at all. Her NYE plans are. Seriously, she is more concerned with one night, a NYE gathering, than her marriage and her betrayed husband and rebuilding her family. Brother that is sick.

Cut her loose.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you aren't in it already, get into IC for yourself. Your WW is hella unremorseful. You are in a situation where the pain will continue and get worse until YOU make it stop. You can't win/love/coerce/manipulate back an unremorseful WS. It just does not happen. Please read up on codependancy if you haven't already. also another book that may help is "Love must be tough".

You can express things by if you can't let go of certain things and they keep coming up that's not moving on
This pisses me off for you. Your WW doesn't respect you at all and she is cake eating. The only way this stops is if you make it stop. You need to 180, go NC with her and detach. Go see a L and file for D. This shit gets better but you have to take steps to do so. Your life is what you make it. Your M doesn't define you and neither does your W or her A. She doesnt' want to talk about the A anymore, fine let her talk to a L about D and she can see how much luck she has rugsweeping away a Divorce. Take back control of your life for yourself lostsamurai.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:14 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^

THIS Absolutely.

She is willing to stay married if you fall in line and let her do whatever the F she wants. She has zero remorse, and even less respect for you, your M, and your life together.

You deserve much much more. Time to man up and demand it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just going to detach from her. I think I am done with her all together.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your situation.

I guess it's time to talk to a lawyer and file.

Maybe that will shake your WW up enough to realize what she'll be loosing.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before I actually file, should I tell her I need some space and need to be alone for a while? My father in law, who is my pastor said I should detach from her as well. Is there a certain way I should do that?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I send her the link to the WS FAQ's you think or what? Is there anything I can send her that will make her wake up and understand...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Dyokemm
♂ New Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Should I send her the link to the WS FAQ's you think or what? Is there anything I can send her that will make her wake up and understand..."

Detach means DETACH.

Stop trying to save her or beg her to come back.

Only the harsh reality of seeing you leaving her, emotionally and making plans for a D, has a possibility of waking her up to what she has done to your M with her shitty actions.

Notice...the one time you have mentioned she got really worried about your situation was when you mentioned talking to another woman.

That is a sign of moving on and the M coming to an end.

And it scared her.

Right now, she is in control of your R attempt and that is because you are trying to nice her back.

Stop it....IT DOES NOT WORK.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 47
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.