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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Backsliding? And possible problem friend.
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despite the declarations from WH that he wants to be with me last night I got to hear the following:

*"I can't live with you being like this forever."

*"You keep making demands."

*"I just wanted to get some ##### on the side. It's not such a big deal."

*"I'm not going to go through all this if we're just going to end up breaking up."

*"Maybe you should see a counselor by yourself to help you get over it."

Just recently he had agreed to MC and had even made an appointment, begrudgingly.

I know he recently had a phone conversation with his best friend, a married guy with kids. This guy knew about the A almost from the beginning. WH says he didn't tell any of his other friends but this guy was his "sounding board." I wonder if the "sounding board" influenced this attitude.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe I'm combining the two issues. I'm so tempted to tell the best friend's wife what he's willing to hide, but I don't really know her and haven't seen her in years.

I truly think that he wants to just sweep it under the rug and thinks the way past this is for me to just pretend it never happened.

I've just been in a daze of pain all day long from hearing those words.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This guy is not a friend of the family, IMO he needs to go. However, the ONLY person responsible for your WH's A is your WH. It sounds as though he is still living in a selfish bubble. He is not owning his shit and is not remorseful. I am so sorry you are going through this.

You should prob. begin the 180 ASAP. Just to take care of yourself.

Good Luck and Hugs.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are not the statements of a remorseful spouse. First, he needs to choose that he wants this relationship and will fight for it and change whatever he needs to to prevent this from happening again.

If he chooses to fight for you, THEN you can begin thinking about your choice of whether to offer him the gift of R or not.

If he doesn't choose to be all in and fight for your M, then your choice has to be start 180'ing him and plan for D. It's not you that has to fight for the M right now, it's him.

Sometimes, laying down the hard line and being willing to leave and divorce him is the very thing that will snap him out of the fog.

His statement about not wanting to go through all this if you just breakup is BULLSHIT. I could just smack him for that. He doesn't want to go to the trouble?!? I think a remorseful spouse would be saying he would move mountains to get you back and continue fighting no matter what..

You can't just sweep it under the rug. If you do that, then whatever issue he had before that allowed him to do it the first time won't be addressed, and you will be looking at another D-Day. He has to figure out how he let himself do this to you and how to prevent it from happening again..

And if you are trying to R, people that knew about the affair and said nothing to you are NOT friends of the marriage, and both of you should only surround yourself with people who will support your marriage. That guy needs to go.. If he balks at that, tell him bye-bye. He can choose his friend over you if he wants, but he has to know that he will be choosing to lose you. Personally, I wouldn't budge on this one.. I would make it a requirement of R, just like transparency and honesty and counseling, etc..

Don't let him make you feel like you are doing something wrong. He has to earn your trust back, and I'm not seeing that he has that goal in mind..

I think it's time for a 180. Please read up on it, trust yourself, and don't let him manipulate you. You deserve better.

Dealing with an unremorseful spouse who is trying to confuse you is hell. That's why you 180 and start protecting yourself. Lots of hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2101 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I can't believe those statements he made to you. I actually yelled and my computer and my husband came to ask why I was upset. I read him your post and he was speechless. Finally he said "he just doesn't get it, give it time and he'll cheat again, he's not even remorseful for what he did, and that "friend" needs to be history."

He should do WHATEVER it takes to earn your trust back. He should be moving mountains to make it better for you. I'm so sorry (((TheThreeYearFool)))


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 133 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((T3YF)))), your WH comments make me want to ! Not acceptable! Unfortunately for me, I accepted a less than regretful WH six years ago only to find myself dealing with a dumpster full of crap this year.

Friend? Not so much a friend. But what can you do other than distance yourself?


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, why are you with him if he's not remorseful after cheating, pregnancies and lies? You will have another Dday if you don't change things for your sake.
No remorse=No reconciliation.
Time to take care of you. You are still young with no kids. You can start over. It's painful but better than years of misery.

Btw, he seems like he doesn't want to keep the marriage anyways by his words and actions.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 5:27 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 340 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 6

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