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User Topic: I see him as a monster
kickintheface
♀ Member
Member # 34350
Concerned  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are three years out and the farther out we get, the worse I get. I'm not emotional anymore but the way I see him is as a monster...and this is fairly new (about 2 months). I don't know if I have the whole truth...and I doubt I will ever believe that I do. He had a 6 month EA with his ex-fiancÚ.

So now I am seeing my husband as an intruder/stranger. The only way I can think to explain it, and I hope I don't offend anyone who has been in a situation like this, but I envision him as how I think an abductor would be. He is someone who "murdered" my husband and took him away and now wants me to love him. He is not mean or abusive at all. But little things like him holding my hand in public make me uncomfortable...I don't hold his hand at home, there is no affection on my end...but when he grabs my hand in public he knows I won't make a big deal and I will just go along with it. In my mind, I have turned this into a control thing. Same with if he kisses me in public...I do not kiss him at home, but I don't want the rest of the world (church in particular) to suspect anything so I smile if he kisses my forehead or something. And I hate it. I feel like in those circumstances I am under his control.

He is a good guy...he didn't change because of the affair and is basically the same guy he was before all this, but I see him completely different. He has apologized and says he has given me all the info about the EA, but he has never cried, begged for forgiveness, told me something that I didn't already know, or bent over backwards to kiss my ass. He knows I can't go anywhere because I have been a SAHM for 7 yrs but he knows I have a plan to leave eventually because I don't see it getting better.

I do not want a divorce...but I don't see another way out. How do I stop seeing him as a monster? He's a decent guy who made a ginormous mistake...but I don't know if I will ever see him how I used to...or even close to it.


BS-Me (37), WS-Him (36) M-12 yrs
2 innocent children
EA OW-ex fiance/Mother of his OC that is 12, just found this out.
The hardest part about walking away from someone is when you realize that no matter how slow you go, they will never run after you.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2011
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, an affair is a dealbreaker. No matter what is being done to make amends, for some people, it is just a dealbreaker. There is no coming back from it. No matter how the WS is now, what they did before was just too much.

You need to figure out if that is what it was for you. And if it is, that's ok. You tried too but going back is just not possible.

Are you in IC? If not, maybe you should find a good counselor.


Posts: 5464 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
kickintheface
♀ Member
Member # 34350
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just started MC about a month ago (once a week). Counselor of course says we can make it....but she's a Christian counselor and doesn't see divorce as an option (but understands that I may go that route).

I can't afford any more counseling for myself...between school, two jobs, and kids I also don't have the time.


BS-Me (37), WS-Him (36) M-12 yrs
2 innocent children
EA OW-ex fiance/Mother of his OC that is 12, just found this out.
The hardest part about walking away from someone is when you realize that no matter how slow you go, they will never run after you.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2011
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling with the same thing. (((Hugs))) You are not alone.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Arais
♀ Member
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Oct 2011
Mypoorkids
♀ New Member
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((kickintheface)))))
I am feeling the same way. If you figure it out, let me know.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
Topic Posts: 6

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