Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ZTV23 (44977)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does it really matter?
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fiancé has been wonderful. Very patient, loving, will provide transparency, openness, answer all my questions over and over again.

He does provide a safe place for me, and partly thanks to his commitment to our relationship, our closeness and understanding between each other has grown.

So, I kind of feel a little stupid even worrying about this. My issue is that he has never really shown me – in an emotional sense – his remorse. He made the very good point last night that his willingness to address our issues should demonstrate his remorse.

I also feel like he just doesn’t “get” the depth of my distress both on DDay and afterwards.
I think in some ways I should be happy with what we have, and accept that I won’t get a railing wailing snotty man crying his eyes out at how much he hurt me. I accept in some ways that he will never have a clue at the depths of despair that I suffered.

Does it matter?


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I accept in some ways that he will never have a clue at the depths of despair that I suffered.

Why on earth would you accept this?
And, yes, it does matter!
I read your profile.....you both have been married before, you were cheated on before, and both have been the cheater.
I would think that, with your experience in this horrible infidelity world, you would expect to have honest and deep communication between the two of you.

He made the very good point last night that his willingness to address our issues should demonstrate his remorse.

Would you please explain this?
Actions speak louder than words, as the saying goes.

Gently here.....Are you settling?

[This message edited by looking forward at 7:32 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has had a few breakdowns but I still don't "feel" his remorse as much as I would like. His actions today are showing me that he wants to be here, that he loves me but sometimes I just can't see it through my pain. I really don't know how to reconcile these feelings because in reality, he will never understand the depth of my pain.

I guess it's up to us to decide what we really need and what we can accept. Wishing you strength.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 867 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1474 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey looking forward, in terms of him not having a clue of him not understanding my feelings, sometimes its just not possible to understand exactly how someone else feels. Its like you dont truly understand grief until someone you love die, or you dont know what it is like being a parent until someone dies. He hasnt had anyone be unfaithful to him, so he doesnt really get it.

His willingness to address his issues is a demonstration of remorse because he is giving me actions. He is showing me by his counselling, his discussions with me and a deep need to understand where this behaviour came from is in great part motivated by knowing that if he does not do so, he will lose the greatest thing in his life. As I said in my first post, he is also being open and transparent about his phone, his computer, his whereabouts. He has made some huge changes in the way he communicates and opens up to me. So, by "address" I mean "do something about it".

No, I am not settling. I love and adore this man for a lot of very good reasons. Our lives together are meaningful, and full of opportunities and a life time of happines. The only issue I have is that emotionally he does not seem connected to my grief over what happened, while doing all he can to assist me through this.

He has been so wise and understanding with my own FOO issues, has addressed a large number of his FOO issues and managed to come to terms with some of his problems in his relationship with his children. He supports and guides me through my difficulties with my ex-husband. He has helped me work thorugh my grief over my mother's death. He is a great support with the parenting of my children.

Just because he does not fully understand or connect with my own grief does not mean we do not have deep and honest communication. For him to acknowledge that he may not "get" my grief and despair does not mean that at all, in fact I would say the opposite. I can talk about my feelings and my issues in a way where I feel heard and loved and safe. In his eyes, being a very practical and logical man, we are doing all we can to make our relationship a strong one, he has done everything he can to never EVER be that person again, so emotions and grief do not play as large a part in this for him twelve months down the track.

All I need to work out is if that small part alone really matters. What does it say about him? Does it really matter?

[This message edited by AppleBlossom at 7:54 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
looking forward
♀ Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then I think what you meant was more in the line of empathy, rather than "clue".
All I need to work out is if that small part alone really matters. What does it say about him? Does it really matter?

I think you have answered your own question with the detailed response you gave me.
Best wishes for a happy relationship.
~ lf

BTW, it took my H 41 years to have "a clue at the depths of despair that I suffered" from a life-altering event early in our relationship.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.