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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

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User Topic: New here. H still in contact with OW
Grandcanyon
♀ New Member
Member # 41356
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I am going to confront him tonite. I don't want to give birth with this hanging over us. She has taken so many memories from me, I refuse to let her have this one. I'm hoping he doesn't get mad or defensive and will listen to me and realize that I see this as a continuation of the affair.
Once baby is here I will be making an appt for us with our counsellor. She is amazing and we both really like her. This will happen regardless of tonight's outcome. She will either help us continue to work on communication or she will help us learn how to co parent separately.
The only reason I started going through his phone again is because he started tilting it away from me and I thought I saw her name once. Other than that, he hasn't gone back to how it was a year ago, so I have hope.
Last time, he was in control, he wanted the separation, he decided when we would start dating each other again, he had the upper hand because I didn't know about the affair at the time. This time I have the upper hand. Bad to say for a relationship, but it's true. I have the baby, I have the power.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. Frankly, I don't know that I could have gone through labor and childbirth with this hanging over my head too.

Please take a look at this Tactical Primer: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid235051 which is from the Just Found Out forum. Especially look at (I think) #4 which is laying out your boundaries. From this point on, you are going to need his cell phone password and access to it at any time. Plus a joint NC letter to the OW that is enforced.

You're right. You have this wonderful miracle of nature, your baby, as your power. Use it well and wisely, Momma Bear! (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on the emails, honestly think he thinks he can carry on a normal friendship with this home wrecker.

The thing is ((GC)) he is the real home-wrecker here.

I hope you take Skan's sound advice.

I honestly could not let another day go by w/o confronting. It would be easier (for me anyway) to focus on the baby after I spelled out for H everything he stood to lose.

NC letter TONIGHT.

Peace be with your and your little one (we tried for 3 years to conceive as well...our "little one" will be 9 tomorrow!).


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good! Just read your last post re: confronting him. Imagine all of us behind you and your baby in your arms.

Time to look forward.

Blessings.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Grandcanyon
♀ New Member
Member # 41356
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update
Well, I confronted him and gave him the chance to come clean and he didn't. I asked if I looked at it his phone would I see contact. He handed it over, and I pulled up the messages. I remained calm and he got pissy. Which for him is always his first reaction. He used always and never statements and went to extremes. I remained calm. He tried to talk about hot hard he works and I refused to bite and told him his working wasn't the issue at hand. He stormed off to his shed. Normally I would chase him, but our MC has explained to me that he needs time and space to process things and that's ok as long as we come back to it. So I'm going to let him process it and pray I don't go into labour before this is mostly resolved.
Thoughts and prayers are greatly needed

Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GrandCanyon...I just wanted to lend support and tell you I understand. My WH had an EA which started in May he has been NC or so I thought. I found out the other day that he started texting her again. He really does not see an issue with this, says she is a "friend". I said not just a friend if you lie about seeing her and texting her.

I know this is hard, I do not want to loose my 25 yr marriage either. Stay strong for you and the baby. What a blessing and a miracle for you. Once the baby is born, focus on you and your needs, be selfish and ignore him and his needs for awhile. I am sorry the confrontation did not go as well as hoped. Unfortunately I have come to realize that WS see things very differently than us.

God bless you and may he watch over you and your little miracle. (((Hugs)))


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 357 | Registered: Aug 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you LOTS of thoughts and prayers.

So, he denied it. And then tried to make you feel badly. Well. That's the worst confirmation, the confirmation we all fear. He is still in the affair. He is protecting the OW and himself by trying to cover his butt. He is not thinking of you or your M. I am so sorry.

Do you have family around? Are they there to support you? You need a team of supportive people to love you and help you during this time, and he just proved that he is not on that team.

(((GrandCanyon and baby)))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, had another thought, and I didn't want to end on a depressing note. There is a great book for waywards called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful." This sounds like a book he might need to read to help get his head on straight. Among other things, he needs to understand that there is no "just friends" after there has been an affair, if for any reason he's attempting to convince himself of that. Though since he continued and hid contact with her, I'd guess he's aware he's in the wrong. If he weren't, why hide it? Still cheating.

(((more hugs)))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in my thoughts and prayers are headed your way. This is such a terrible time for you. concentrate on you and your baby.

I hope he comes around before you deliver. Hopefully he will get his head in the game and realize he is about to lose everything.

Concentrate on you and your baby!

[This message edited by brkn_heartd at 10:04 PM, November 15th (Friday)]


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Grandcanyon
♀ New Member
Member # 41356
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

update 2!

He came back in and I asked if he was ready to calmly finish our discussion.
I explained to him that this was not someone he could be friends with. That by continuing to talk to her that it is the same as continuing the affair.

I explained that even if he had the intention of just resuming their friendship, that he had no idea what her intentions were. That this is someone that stalked him, faked suicide attempts, faked a pregnancy, drove by our house etc when she found out that he returned to his wife. I don't want that in our baby's life. I told him I was scared that she would come to the house when he wasn't home.

I said I didn't want to be dealing with labour and the birth of our baby and wondering if he was texting/talking/emailing her. He looked at me shocked and said he didn't want her to mar anything that had to do with peanut (that's what we call the baby)and he wouldn't even bring his phone into the hospital. He went on to say that the only people that need to know what are going on are the ones that live under our roof and he's not going to risk ruining the birth to tell other people about the birth.
This may seem small, but his phone is pretty much attached to him. He is always on it and I joke that him and his bff talk more on it than women (I'm good friends with his bff as well, and know that the majority of the messages are with him)

I asked him why he lied about having contact with her, and he said that he figured with everything that happened last year, a couple of emails and conversations weren't worth mentioning. I said that it was still a betrayal and that it caused me to not believe other stuff he says. That my trust is broken, when it was shaky to begin with. I told him he needed to tell me about every contact with her, like he did when the affair first ended. I don't care if she says pass me a pencil, I want/need to know about it. I need to see every email, text or whatnot he receives from her.

I told him that he needs to choose between being friends with her, or being a husband to me and a father to peanut. He said of course he chooses me and peanut. I mentioned divorce/separation and he said he never even thought of it. I calmly said that I was the one that thought of it. I think that shocked the shit out of him. I've always been weak, and fought for our marriage (and we've been through a lot) but I said I need to think of Peanut, and I'm not bringing her into a house with negativity.

I said that he needed to write her an email and tell her that he will not have any contact with her ever again. That he will not be telling her about the birth of our child. And that he needs to show it to me once it is sent, or Bcc/CC me on it. He has agreed to bcc me. He's working 7-1900 today, so I will be waiting on that.

When he left for work this morning, I pretended I was still asleep and he came in and told me he loved me very much and was very sweet and affectionate.

I know we still have a long road ahead of us, but I'm hoping we will make it work. Once I get a copy of his letter, I will be ready for this baby to make her appearance!
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, they helped! Otherwise, my emotional pregnant self wouldn't have stayed so calm and I would have freaked out and we wouldn't have resolved anything.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Nov 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hats off, GrandCanyon! You handled it beautifully and you stood up for your boundaries! I hope that your H is on his way to getting it. So far his reaction looks good. I hope he will prove himself and help you to rebuild trust by verifying his behaviors and changing.

This might be the start to a long journey. Right now, focus you and your precious little one. You already are an amazing mama!


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3762 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were on my mind all last night. I was focusing very hard on sending positive energy to you each time you crossed my mind. And when I read your first post this morning, my heart just sank. I am SO GLAD to see the update. You stood up for yourself and your peanut with strength and dignity and class. I hope the words "separation and divorce" pierced him through the heart and got into his brain. Well done. Let's all pray that he gets exactly what he is risking by his behavior. And that when the cray-cray shows up, as you know it will once that NC is sent, that this reinforces exactly why he needs to be fully present for you and no one else.

(((hugs))) I can't wait to hear that the peanut has been shelled!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4123 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You handled that all so well GC! I am guessing you have had your baby. I hope you are both doing well and that the three of you have a happy life - together.

Best wishes


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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