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Newest Member: RMarred (44242)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A setback
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WH & I have had some setbacks the past 24 hours. Yesterday morning when he was in the shower I decided to look through the email on his iPad. I found a few emails from OW from the 48 hours prior, but all were very brief & only work related, no personal stuff at all. He previously had agreed to tell me if he received any contact from her at all. When I confronted him on this he said he didn't know why he didn't tell me but I can only assume it was because he didn't want a fight & in his mind didn't think it was significant. He admitted he should have told me.
Anyway, I couldn't get it off my mind so this morning I asked to look at his phone while he was in the shower. I have not looked at his phone in a few months so I was worried about what I would find. My heart was pounding just asking him. I didn't really find anything of interest but he stayed there with me the whole time while I looked. This led to a discussion where he said he still thinks about her. Apparently, she's still very sad about their break up and this makes him feel bad. It just makes me sick. After all this discussion now he says he's got the feeling again like he just wants to pack his bag and leave. He says he will stuff it down but seems angry and upset. He says he wants to stay married to me and that his feelings for her are lessening as time goes on. I just don't know what to do with this information. Hi guess it's natural that they still have feelings for the other person, right? I don't know if this admission makes R "fake." I'm just so confused and upset I don't know what to do or think. I really want to R but I also want him to be in it 100% & not play games...

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

guess it's natural that they still have feelings for the other person, right?

I don't have personal experience with this one, but from everything I've read on here it is.

But I think this is something he needs to handle internally and not burden you with. This might feel kind of conflicting bc of how important complete honesty is right now. But I think it's cruel of him to tell you how he's thinking of someone else and expect you to still keep trying.

If I were you, I would tell him that while you are willing to work with him in every other area, this is one thing he needs to handle on his own. I think it will do more damage to your M in the long run for you to have to hear about this.

But the other thing is that as long as he's thinking like this

After all this discussion now he says he's got the feeling again like he just wants to pack his bag and leave.

then he's not "all in" anyway and the point might be moot.

Hang in there. Do your part, but do not baby him. Do not be afraid to address things bc of threats like the one above. R is incredibly hard even under the "best" (ha) circumstances and you can't do it yourself.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Running

I am sorry for your recent setbacks.

Sometimes those setbacks are exactly what we need to make us think, dig and find pieces within ourselves to allow us to move forward.

Anyways, Can I ask a few things? I am not familiar with your story. What was dday#1? in 2008? Another A, different AP? What did R look like after that?

Now ddays in August and October. Same AP right?

NC is NC. If for some reason he has to talk to her for work then you need to be privy to any conversations. I think it is extra difficult having an EA with someone and trying to break it off with them but still in be contact. How does he go NC in his mind when she is in front of him and has already played to his sympathies with how sad she still is...I would explore alternative jobs for him.

Second, I think it is normal, albeit painful, for a WS to have to take time to get over their AP. I think his sharing the feelings with you were important, and really, really painful too. His admission doesn't make R fake, but there is work to be done before R is even a consideration, IMO.

R, healthy, true R, happens when you have 2 healthy people working towards repairing the marriage. Have the two of you been going to IC? Have you been able to uncover and work through your own issues, and has he done the same?

This too makes me wonder

After all this discussion now he says he's got the feeling again like he just wants to pack his bag and leave. He says he will stuff it down but seems angry and upset.

Why does he want to pack and leave? Because he deals with problems by running away? Sticking his head in the sand?

Or does he legit want to pack and leave? Important answers you need here. I am thinking it's his inability to face issues head on...if that's it there's a big screaming red flag for needed IC for him. Don't ignore it.....because if you do you will have this

He says he will stuff it down but seems angry and upset

Stuffing feelings, pains, anything creates anger resentment and hostility, it is also a huge FOO issue. He needs to unstuff his bags and the two of you need to meet these issues head on.

I don't believe "false R' is always deceitful. I think some people jump into R without knowing the time it takes to get to R...KWIM? His gut may say R,R!!! but he needs his mind to get to a place where he can accept R with a clear open mind and the ability to walk through it without the past creating more hurdles.

I would continue to ask for answers and dig for the truths...

It all begins with taking care of you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This led to a discussion where he said he still thinks about her. Apparently, she's still very sad about their break up and this makes him feel bad. It just makes me sick.

Your feelings are absolutely valid, and you should continue trusting your gut, because you sensed something was off and you pursued it. This is troubling. How does he know how OW is feeling? He shouldn't be aware of her emotional state. At all.

Is it natural for a WS to have feelings for their xAP? I'd like to reframe that, if I may. Sure, thoughts of an xAP pop into our head involuntarily. It's how we process those thoughts that reveals how committed we are to R. Dwelling on how xAP feels, IMO indicates a WS who's choosing to remain emotionally attached to their xAP.

I think it is normal, albeit painful, for a WS to have to take time to get over their AP. I think his sharing the feelings with you were important, and really, really painful too. His admission doesn't make R fake, but there is work to be done before R is even a consideration, IMO.

Very well put.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so now I'm freaking out. He's being distant & I'm concerned it's because he's thinking about leaving again. Our discussion from this morning must have really stirred him up. It's really hard to concentrate on work & I'm super shaky. I'm trying not to call him b/c I think that'll just drive him further away, but it's killing me not to know what's going through his mind.

Karmahappens, DD#1 in 2008 was a PA only with another OW. R after that was ok. He was understanding & patient & answered my questions honestly. I personally had a hard time rebuilding trust. The Ddays in Aug & Oct are same AP just TT & avalanche truth with broken NC in between. He says he hasnt actually spoken to AP, and that those few emails are it. She works in an office he has limited dealings with but is the secretary/account manager so sometimes emails come through her. He says he's trying to disassociate from that company altogether but it'll be another six weeks or so. He says he knows she is sad b/c he's still friends with a guy from that office who gives him updates.
I'm not sure what's up with him wanting to pack up & leave. He has always taken an "ostrich approach" to problems but I fear that part of that is he's getting sucked back in by her.

I really appreciate your answers & support. I am an emotional wreck right now & just desperately want to know what's going on. I'm really afraid that he's broken NC with her again & is seriously reconsidering R.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh running. I am sorry.

You cannot live your life in fear. You cannot control him and one person cannot fix this.

He had an A in 2008, but obviously didn't handle his issues. He wouldn't be back in this situation if he had taken the time to get into IC and heal his broken-ness.

You need to get some therapy. You need to start putting your life first and preparing for him to possibly be gone. Get strong, emotionally, financially, physically.

You do not want to be in a marriage where someone consistently sits on a fence, threatens your security by saying he is one foot out the door.

I would have a sit down with him. It's NC ( no updates from "friend" in office either). Transparency, open communication, IC and solid work going forward.

Get your deal breaker in your head, let him know. You cannot just be a doormat and let him dictate the way your life is going to go.

I have bitch boots if you need to borrow them...

This is YOUR life we are talking about, it's worth saving. (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's getting updates from his friend on her, then he's not NC. NC means mental as well. No wonder he isn't all the way in R, and no wonder he's missing her. He's not truly away from her.

These are boundaries he needs to set. Right now he's half-assing it. If he wants to be all in, he needs to proactively remove her from his life and thoughts, and put his energy back into your M.

And question why a person he cheated on his wife with is someone who he still idealizes. If he doesn't idealize cheating, then why would he idealize the OW?

I'm sorry. I would call these more than setbacks. I would call them red flags.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:40 AM, November 15th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3880 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kh says, and ... is your H in IC?

I think IC could be a big help for him, in part to help him finally detach from his ap and more important to resolve whatever it is that makes him think of leaving instead of dealing with the issues he has.

This could be an opportunity to make a giant advance in R, if your H is willing to do it.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is in IC, kind of, and we are in MC. He is bipolar so he sees a psychiatrist as well as the psychologist we see together for MC. The last time we saw the doc, my WH told him everything was great & he was happy to be home & felt lucky. The psychologist then said he'd see us back in 3 weeks & each of us individually "if we felt like we needed it." I am planning on texting the psychologist this afternoon & atleast getting an appointment for me...

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got to speak to my psychologist who recommended giving my WH space this weekend. I will see the doc first thing Monday morning. In the meantime, I literally feel like throwing up & I'm shaking like crazy. I must look like a nut. I guess I'll try to go 180 this weekend. Just not sure how to apply it in this situation. Your advice & support is really appreciated. I'm gonna be in for a long weekend but I'm going to try to focus on my daughter (12yo). She has a prolonged concussion syndrome & just was diagnosed as being clinically depressed. She doesn't know about our troubles & I'm really hoping we can hold things together for a little while while we're getting her on meds..

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's still friends with a guy from that office who gives him updates.


Why? Either he stops being friends with this guy or he tells this guy not to mention the OW ever again.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13647 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

Be in the moment this weekend, try to pay attention to yourself and make choices that are good for you. It's a start.

Baby steps, you can do this.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karmahappens, I could definitely use those bitch boots. Apparently mine are broken.

Lieshurt, I agree with you. I think this "friend" enjoys the drama & encourages it. He himself is going through a divorce & it seems as though he's trying to pull my husband that way (very weird). I would love it if my WH stopped talking to that guy but he says "he's the only one I can talk to about this." To me it just seems like a way to stay atleast emotionally connected to OW. UGh. I hate this so much.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And thank you, karmahappens, I need all the positive vibes I can get

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously the friend is feeding him the "prospect of life
on the other side" Misery loves company kind of
thing. 180. Make him get off the fence. You can't
sit and hope "he'll come around". He needs an ultimatum
while HE is making HIS mind up on you.

I personally think that limbo is the worst of it all

((Running))


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2010
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not even sure how to proceed from a practical standpoint. Do I just act like I don't care what he's doing? Do I ask him to leave? My gut says to just stay put & enjoy my weekend with my daughter & try to basically act like he doesn't exist. Not in a mean way, just in a "I can be happy in spite of you" kind of way. I really am tired of his being on the fence but I'm so afraid he's going to choose to leave. I don't know how to act when he's around any more

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My gut says to just stay put & enjoy my weekend with my daughter & try to basically act like he doesn't exist. Not in a mean way, just in a "I can be happy in spite of you" kind of way.

^^^this^^

try to let go of the fear, you cannot control what his actions will be.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I know. Its just so hard. From another practical standpoint, I don't know how to let go & set limits at the same time. Even if I do set limits, I'm sure he's expert at covering his tracks, so I'll never know if he's staying in bounds.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, November 15th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got an email from Apple saying he disabled "Find my iPhone." I guess this is the beginning of the end. Pray for us

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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