I have/had many FOO issues because of her actions in the past.
However, since leaving my X she is now my most trusted confident. In the early days I had to express to her my fears of opening myself up to her based on historical 'mum' betrayals. I gave her the chance to know me and be allowed into my circle of trust. She took it on board and has shown in actions and words that the chance I gave was well worth it. She is now my most trusted confidant.
Our relationship is strong and close. I never would have thought it would be possible. It is just one of the many blessings that this journey has created for me.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
My DD22 are "friends" and we often do things together, but she, too, still knows I am her mom and does not confide everything, especially if she thinks it will upset me somehow as her mother. I have great relationships with my other two kids, but I think it will follow the same path. Quite frankly, there are some things in the older kids' love lives that I, as their mother, don't WANT to know, and my son sometimes shares TMI as it is...
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:46 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
No, my mother is a sociopath.
Same with me.
My dad was schizophrenic w/ delusions and hallucinations... Hard to be friends with him. He passed in 2011.
I am very close with my youngest DD and I think we're friends - we moved out of Mom/daughter mode a couple of years ago. I am also friends with my DS, but not as close as youngest DD. He has also survived the infidelity thing and that definitely made us closer. My oldest DD lives farthest away and we rarely see each other and we don't talk often. She stopped keeping in close touch around the time of the D - I think as a way to not have to deal with her anger at her father. She has FOO issues from her birth mother and the infidelity thing with her Dad hit her the hardest. I've been thinking a lot about calling her every week and trying to restart a friendship.
With my mom, I love her. But there's just way too many FOO issues for me to think of her as a friend. It took me a long time just to be comfortable being the authentic me around her, and even now I still catch myself falling back into old behaviors.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
I really loved my mother, but she was not my friend. It was an odd relationship. It was surrounded by a very rigid parent-child boundary that was oddly leaky in one direction. By that, I mean I was expected to behave a certain way, within very tight parameters.
She, however, had very fluid boundaries. Like an amoeba, she'd flow around us and engulf us...and claim us as her, basically.
And my father's a malignant narcissist/sociopath (depending on who you ask, on what day). Not that the distinction is very important; I have no contact with him at all.
My kids and I? Yes, I think we'll be friends. But the parenting's not done yet.
My daughter says I'm her best friend. But she has, like, 24 best friends. I'm in good company :)
My son is 17. The notion of being friends with his mom makes him gag. But he still likes to cuddle, so I don't complain.
[This message edited by solus sto at 8:40 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]
As far as my parents go, that's a little more difficult to answer. I love Mom and Dad dearly and I am thankful for the help and support they've given me. We talk almost daily and so I can say that we do get along...BUT...much of it is purely superficial. There are tons of FOO issues that will likely never be resolved. I find that if I have too much contact with them, I feel drained emotionally and physically, but I can handle smaller doses. Yet, I do enjoy these smaller visits when we have them.
So, I guess I am friends with them, I just wouldn't go on a road trip with them, or hang out at their place all weekend, and sometimes, I let their calls go to voicemail. Does that make sense?
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
I can't say I was friends with my parents, though they were not particularly dysfunctional. It was just a different era.
[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:14 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
My dad is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about things I only talk to my therapist about, especially now that I can't talk to MrH. Dad is a recovering alcoholic with 24yrs of sobriety. So he's a good person to talk to about working through FOO issues, after all, he helped create quite a few of them.
In my recovery class I learned that a healthy parent child relationship eventually becomes an adult to adult relationship. I see it between the two of us. My sister still does things that keep the parent child dynamic no matter how dad tries to change it. My brother tries to get to the adult relationship, but he hasn't been dealing with his issues so he won't do the most important aspect...communicate.
In fact, my H and I are both very close to my mom and stepdad. We go out to eat together all the time and are regularly invited to parties, etc. with each other's circle of friends. We even enjoy going on vacations together - usually 2-3 per year. My DD loves having us all there, and it works out great for my H and I because we usually enjoy a few evenings out alone, and can relax and enjoy our time together knowing that DD is safe and well cared for.
Unfortunately it's not really the same with my iin-laws. My H has lots of FOO issues, and moved in with a friend during high school to get out of his parents home. We are all trying to work on getting closer, but sometimes it seems like its hard to build the relationship because it's lacking a firm foundation.
My grown sons (30 and 32) are very close to me. But it is very hard to turn off the "mother" thing. I'm not sure we are friends. I like them - the men they have grown into are pretty cool. We understand each other and speak fairly frequently (maybe once a week or once every other week).
Having said that, I think parents and children can be friends when the children are grown and the circumstances are right.
As you know well, my late father was my best friend in the world and I still miss him every single day and still weep at his grave site almost every time I go there.
He was a great man and very accomplished in his field.
I do think I jumped into my marriage a little early and likely with the wrong person because I wanted to please him and make him a Grand Dad.
I would do every thing the same way again - just for him.
It does trouble me that he was somewhere up above and watching what my X was doing, but there is nothing I can do about that.
My parents are unwilling to see me as an adult. That kinda puts a damper on have a "peer" relationship with them.