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User Topic: Are you friends with your adult kids and/or parents?
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, my mother is a sociopath.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Growing up and into my early 30s I would have said that my mum is not my friend she is my enemy.

I have/had many FOO issues because of her actions in the past.

However, since leaving my X she is now my most trusted confident. In the early days I had to express to her my fears of opening myself up to her based on historical 'mum' betrayals. I gave her the chance to know me and be allowed into my circle of trust. She took it on board and has shown in actions and words that the chance I gave was well worth it. She is now my most trusted confidant.

Our relationship is strong and close. I never would have thought it would be possible. It is just one of the many blessings that this journey has created for me.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother and I were friends and talked all the time before she passed away. However, there were still things I knew I could not discuss...she was still my mom. My father and I have no relationship beyond polite civility. He has always been an ass.

My DD22 are "friends" and we often do things together, but she, too, still knows I am her mom and does not confide everything, especially if she thinks it will upset me somehow as her mother. I have great relationships with my other two kids, but I think it will follow the same path. Quite frankly, there are some things in the older kids' love lives that I, as their mother, don't WANT to know, and my son sometimes shares TMI as it is...

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:46 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1189 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, my mother is a sociopath.

Same with me.

My dad was schizophrenic w/ delusions and hallucinations... Hard to be friends with him. He passed in 2011.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24595 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never thought of my parents as friends, although I've always loved and respected them. My father is gone now. My mother still occasionally falls back into Mom mode, and I usually just grin and bear it. We talk weekly and I really wish we lived closer to each other.

I am very close with my youngest DD and I think we're friends - we moved out of Mom/daughter mode a couple of years ago. I am also friends with my DS, but not as close as youngest DD. He has also survived the infidelity thing and that definitely made us closer. My oldest DD lives farthest away and we rarely see each other and we don't talk often. She stopped keeping in close touch around the time of the D - I think as a way to not have to deal with her anger at her father. She has FOO issues from her birth mother and the infidelity thing with her Dad hit her the hardest. I've been thinking a lot about calling her every week and trying to restart a friendship.

Good topic.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With my mom, I love her. But there's just way too many FOO issues for me to think of her as a friend. It took me a long time just to be comfortable being the authentic me around her, and even now I still catch myself falling back into old behaviors.

My situation is similar to Inconnu. My DD21 and DS19 and I are closer than I was to my mom and I hope we will have a friendship level one day, but I'm perfectly happy with the mom role too.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. The era and community in which I was raised were not conducive to friendship with one's parents--even if they weren't drunk and/or sociopathic, which mine were (are).

I really loved my mother, but she was not my friend. It was an odd relationship. It was surrounded by a very rigid parent-child boundary that was oddly leaky in one direction. By that, I mean I was expected to behave a certain way, within very tight parameters.

She, however, had very fluid boundaries. Like an amoeba, she'd flow around us and engulf us...and claim us as her, basically.

And my father's a malignant narcissist/sociopath (depending on who you ask, on what day). Not that the distinction is very important; I have no contact with him at all.

My kids and I? Yes, I think we'll be friends. But the parenting's not done yet.

My daughter says I'm her best friend. But she has, like, 24 best friends. I'm in good company :)

My son is 17. The notion of being friends with his mom makes him gag. But he still likes to cuddle, so I don't complain.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:40 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have amazing parents and was very blessed in my childhood, always knew that I was loved and would be cared for by them. I am closer with my Dad than my Mom but I love them both. My daughters are 25 and 23 and I guess I am still in Mom mode with them. I find it hard to relate to their lives and I am sure that they understand nothing about mine but I would go to the wall for them.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've got teenaged boys and I don't see them as friends yet. Maybe someday, but definitely not now.

As far as my parents go, that's a little more difficult to answer. I love Mom and Dad dearly and I am thankful for the help and support they've given me. We talk almost daily and so I can say that we do get along...BUT...much of it is purely superficial. There are tons of FOO issues that will likely never be resolved. I find that if I have too much contact with them, I feel drained emotionally and physically, but I can handle smaller doses. Yet, I do enjoy these smaller visits when we have them.

So, I guess I am friends with them, I just wouldn't go on a road trip with them, or hang out at their place all weekend, and sometimes, I let their calls go to voicemail. Does that make sense?


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

parents - yes.
kids - not yet - they're still in lower 20's, navigating the world. I am taking an exercise class with my DD that is fun though.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5269 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! best friends with my mom (even as a teenager I preferred to hang out with her then my own friends!) She and I are exactly alike - same interests, thinking style, and humor.
but my dad was an NPD - I spent my childhood hiding from him and after age 18 never saw or spoke to him again
(in hindsight I think these FOO explain why I married an NPD myself, I'm just like my mom!)

Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to say that I consider my children among my best friends, though it's impossible to lose sight of the fact that I'm also their mother. We have never had a fractured relationship even when they were teenagers. (My habit of encouraging them to do things by saying "Awww, just humour the old bag!" might have contributed to that.)My son now has two little daughters so his time to hang out is reduced, but we still enjoy cooking together when we can and we catch lunch together every now and then. If my daughter goes more than a few weeks without hanging out with Mum, she gets withdrawal symptoms, LOL! We always call it "mummy/daughter time" but it's really two friends catching up, only the friends are closely related.

I can't say I was friends with my parents, though they were not particularly dysfunctional. It was just a different era.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:14 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7284 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm NC with my mom and the stepmom who raised me for 10yrs. I believe my mom is BPD and s-mom is bipolar, unmediated.

My dad is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about things I only talk to my therapist about, especially now that I can't talk to MrH. Dad is a recovering alcoholic with 24yrs of sobriety. So he's a good person to talk to about working through FOO issues, after all, he helped create quite a few of them.

In my recovery class I learned that a healthy parent child relationship eventually becomes an adult to adult relationship. I see it between the two of us. My sister still does things that keep the parent child dynamic no matter how dad tries to change it. My brother tries to get to the adult relationship, but he hasn't been dealing with his issues so he won't do the most important aspect...communicate.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
TennisTC
♀ Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom is definitely my best friend. We were always very close, even during my teenage years - though she was firmly a parent (not like some you hear about who care more about being liked and cool than being a parent).

In fact, my H and I are both very close to my mom and stepdad. We go out to eat together all the time and are regularly invited to parties, etc. with each other's circle of friends. We even enjoy going on vacations together - usually 2-3 per year. My DD loves having us all there, and it works out great for my H and I because we usually enjoy a few evenings out alone, and can relax and enjoy our time together knowing that DD is safe and well cared for.

Unfortunately it's not really the same with my iin-laws. My H has lots of FOO issues, and moved in with a friend during high school to get out of his parents home. We are all trying to work on getting closer, but sometimes it seems like its hard to build the relationship because it's lacking a firm foundation.


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 167 | Registered: Nov 2013
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad died when I was 26. I would not say we were ever "friends," although I loved him very much. My mother was from a different generation and had quite a few rigid expectations. So although I loved her very much and talked to her daily and saw her at least once a week, I would not say we were "friends."

My grown sons (30 and 32) are very close to me. But it is very hard to turn off the "mother" thing. I'm not sure we are friends. I like them - the men they have grown into are pretty cool. We understand each other and speak fairly frequently (maybe once a week or once every other week).

Having said that, I think parents and children can be friends when the children are grown and the circumstances are right.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7740 | Registered: Aug 2005
Bebba1171
♂ Member
Member # 33857
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear PHMH,

As you know well, my late father was my best friend in the world and I still miss him every single day and still weep at his grave site almost every time I go there.

He was a great man and very accomplished in his field.

I do think I jumped into my marriage a little early and likely with the wrong person because I wanted to please him and make him a Grand Dad.

I would do every thing the same way again - just for him.

It does trouble me that he was somewhere up above and watching what my X was doing, but there is nothing I can do about that.


Divorced by Interlocutory decree in May 2012. WW had an affair with a 66 yo doctor she worked for.
D-Day Sept 16. 2011.
BH- 52 (Me) / XWW 50 - ages back in 2011
Two great kids that don't deserve this!

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I am not friends with my parents. My kids are too young yet to see if this is possible.

My parents are unwilling to see me as an adult. That kinda puts a damper on have a "peer" relationship with them.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 37
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