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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: help! need support. he's not coming home tonight
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. They sometimes don't realize what a gift it is to be given the opportunity to reconcile. I commend you for trying. I just wish it had the outcome you hoped for.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. It is a small comfort to know that I truly tried. I've put in 3 months of him coming & going & being conflicted about OW. Enough is enough. I'm just do sad. I really love him & our family & wanted it to work in the worst way.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is in no way your fault. He sank this ship....not you.

Be proud of yourself for being willing to see this through. Be even more proud for knowing he needs to walk this next part on his own and having the strength to let him go.

He has his own fixing to do. Stay strong and know we support you.

(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:54 AM, November 16th (Saturday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Flourgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a strong woman for putting yourself on the line for him. You have given your all and should be proud of yourself for trying to save your marriage. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have such a strong mommy to look up to. I feel sorry that your husband didn't realize what he had. I will be praying for you and your daughter.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. You gave him a gift, a priceless gift. He had the chance to walk back into his family, become your partner again, of living with his daughter and helping to guide her ever step again. You opened the door that leads to family to him, and he ripped it off of the hinges, threw it on the ground, and burned it up in a bonfire.

This is all on him. But that doesn't make it any easier for you or for your daughter. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like he had the presence of mind to turn off find my phone, etc. Contact with OW would not be ok with me. It sounds like you already KNOW what you should do but are afraid to pull the trigger.

Only you can enforce your boundaries.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys so much. He's gone & my daughter & I have had a rough day. She's very angry with my husband & doesn't even know about A. Says he's selfish. I honestly can't argue with that. We're just trying to breathe one minute at a time.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((runningfrompain))))
You are doing the right thing. I know it hurts and may even hurt more to watch how your daughter is impacted.
But you are also a role model, teaching her that everyone deserves respect and we needs to set & enforce boundaries -when she is grown she will be a stronger women

Posts: 501 | Registered: Jun 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS))))

I'm sorry for your pain.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he texted & asked to come home tonight & my daughter saw it. She doesn't know about A so doesn't understand why he can't just come home. I tried to call but no answer. Grrrrr. Now she thinks I'm mean

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your DD knows he was out last night? Well, tell her that his behavior is unacceptable and you need to draw the line. Personally, I'd hefty bag his shit. Let her know that this is hard for you, but you need to stand up for yourself. Explain to her it's like a friend who treats you disrespectfully.

Good luck. Be strong.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I can't believe how out of line he is. He told my daughter he was driving home(!) & when I called to find out if he really thought he was coming in the house he told me he was DRIVING HOME FROM OW'S HOUSE! He went there "to tell her it was over" & spent an hour there, ate a dinner she prepared & put together a bookshelf for her. When I told him that no, he could not come home, he actually got annoyed. I can't believe how far his head is up his ass. He said he told her he was quitting the job he has that's affiliated with her office & that he's blocking her number. All good things but I think the doing-it-in-person thing is BS!!! How does he not get this???

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How old is your daughter? At some point she deserves an age-appropriate explanation of what's going on. If you don't give her that then she's going to fill in the blanks on her own, supplemented with whatever lies your husband thinks will stick & make him out as your victim.

Don't let her suffer in ignorance, and don't let your relationship with her suffer because you're misguidedly trying to shield her. Even if you two reconcile again, your daughter needs information so she doesn't process these events as normal & repeat them when she grows older.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DRIVING HOME FROM OW'S HOUSE

GRRRRR just keep on driving...

He is in no shape to be with you, it's too damaging.

One minute at a time.

You can do this!!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry but I don't think he stayed over night to "build a bookcase".

If my H did not come home all night and I knew he was at a woman's house??????

Ah, yeah, ummmmm..... NO!

Truly he is so disrespecting it is not even funny.


Posts: 5684 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sad for you. I recall the feelings when I was being jerked around by the Dooosh-- trying to decide what he wanted. So many said - why does he get to decide??

It is hard, and adding kids into the mix makes it so much worse. My kids were upset for a long time too. They know the truth now- their father had an affair- and they understand why I will never speak to him again. They get it.

Please protect yourself right now. Stand strong. Know what you want and don't let him convince you otherwise. You deserve so much better!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

running, I hope you and your daughter are OK. I was so sad when I read your thread. You are strong, and a woman who deserves to be respected and cherished. You can't make him cherish you, but you can take care of yourself, and enforce boundaries, which you did on Saturday.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Hrtbrken1
♀ Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second telling your daughter an age-appropriate reason why her father can't come home. What would you tell her if her spouse was treating her this way? He's already lying to her, putting the OW over not only you, but his daughter as well. She needs to know disrespect does not have to be tolerated, just because you love someone.
He went there "to tell her it was over" & spent an hour there, ate a dinner she prepared & put together a bookshelf for her.

I smell bullshit. In fact, he reeks of it.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
runningfrompain
♀ New Member
Member # 41147
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. He stayed at a hotel last night & turned his "find my iPhone" back on. This morning, he woke up early & started reading SI. He read my posts. Says he understands now how out of line he has been & feels like he may have destroyed us to the point of being un-fixable. He sat our daughter down & told her he did something "really bad", that I am not at fault & that I've been kind to give him all these chances. He apologized to her for what he did to our family. He did not tell her about A, which I'm not sure how to feel about that. I think he probably should have. She didn't say much & said she "didn't want to think about it." He took her out on our boat fishing now so I'm sure she'll try to keep a stiff upper lip & will let loose when she gets home & he's gone. He's pretty much saying the right things but I don't know if he really cares enough to put in the work of reconciliation. I don't think he's ready to be an open book & it's quite possible that he's going to look at our marriage, declare it totaled, and give up. That just makes me sad :(

Posts: 35 | Registered: Oct 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are 10 and under and asked me why I have an appointment every week at a certain time, why they can't have play dates on those days, etc.. Then we drove up driveway and saw WH's car and they said "Oh that means babysitter won't need to come today." I decided then to tell them what was going on in a very sanitized way.

"You know mom and dad are sleeping in separate rooms right? And you know we haven't been getting along but we're trying to work things out. Well, every week we see a counselor. A counselor helps us talk about our problems and gives us advice on how to get along better." They seemed to understand and appreciated the honesty vs. the uncomfortable way I'd been explaining things.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 47
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