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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: separation and the kiddos
cookiegrl
♀ New Member
Member # 38647
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the thing I worry most about with what's going on is my kiddos. DS is 6, DD is 4. While I haven't told them anything, I know that DS knows something's up. On DD#2, I was sobbing quietly (as quietly as I could) while they were playing. DS asked me if I was okay, and I said that yes, I'm okay - mommy is just a little sad today. He said that sometimes he is sad too.. and then proceeded to bring me a tissue and his favorite stuffed animal to comfort me! So sweet. I just hate that they are seeing me so sad.

I'm getting by doing the basic things, getting my son to school (daughter is still home with me), getting them fed, just doing what I can to get by and I feel guilty for not being able to do more. I've also been hospitalized twice since everything happened (I think some of it was stress related) and I keep getting sick and I worry that I'm not going to be able to do this much longer. Plus my job is insane (I'm self-employed) but I have to keep going if I'm going to continue saving money.

I guess I think that I'm hiding it all from them, but so worried about how it's all going to effect them.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 8 years
2 awesome kids, 7 and 4
D-Day #1 2/28/13
D-Day #2 10/21/13
Reconciling
Courage is not the absence of fear. It's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children were exactly this age when I separated. They are now 7 and 8. You'll see a wide range of stories here about children and divorce.

My children are doing remarkably well, despite all sorts of terrible factors. They don't know about anything bad (custody battle, their father's problems). Their teachers say they're doing great. However, my older child was affected more, and he sometimes feels sad that we're not an intact family. He spent almost two years believing that somehow his parents would reconcile.

My daughter, who was four, can't really even remember when her father lived here. I think that's actually better.

Anyhow, the best advice I received was to take care of myself so that I was able to take care of my kids. It's a cliche, but it's true. Every says that if "you're good, your kids will be good," and this is very very true.

Do you have childcare so you can get your work done? Can you organize lots of playdates so that you can get more breaks? As for hiding the news from the kids, I think that the experts would tell you to sit down and talk to your kids pretty soon. You can google this - there are lots of resources online.

But mostly, we all need to take care of ourselves so that we can be the very best parents possible during even the worst situations. It's hard but so true. (((HUGS)))


Posts: 1564 | Registered: Oct 2011
PeacefulLife
♀ Member
Member # 25667
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children were 4, 6, and 8 when their dad and I separated! Wow was it tough! I look back and it was such a precious time, despite the sadness, because their love was so unconditional. They just needed me to be stable and consistent and let them be sad when they needed to be. I did put them in a therapy group for children going through divorce so they were able to understand and verbalize their feelings. It also helped them to know they weren't the only ones going through this.

I know it is so painful and I am so sorry for your pain. You do NOT deserve this. It does get better but it takes time. Just hold on for now and the sun will eventually come back to your life.


Me-43
XH-43
Three children
Separated 10/22/2009
DIVORCED!!!! 9/2/2011

Posts: 454 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Down South
cookiegrl
♀ New Member
Member # 38647
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement! I thought about therapy for both of them, especially my oldest - he has been exposed to so many fights, anger - it does worry me.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 8 years
2 awesome kids, 7 and 4
D-Day #1 2/28/13
D-Day #2 10/21/13
Reconciling
Courage is not the absence of fear. It's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to take care of you. AND, and this is a biggie, you need to let your kids know that A) you can and will be okay, and B) it is not their job to take care of you. Let them know that you are a grown up and can handle this. You might be sad sometimes, but it won't be always. You have other grown ups you talk to to help you feel better.

I've been very open with my kids about what's happening, BUT I don't put any responsibility on them for making me feel better. They have a counselor, they have other adults in their lives who know what's happening and can gently talk with them when they need to talk. It's been important to normalize for them what's happening and for them to know that no matter what, Mom is going to be okay and will take care of them.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cookiegrl)))
I was so worried about my kids, that I probably held on to our marriage too long. In retrospect, I should have pulled the trigger months earlier, because as it turned out, the kids handled it pretty well. Children are very resilent, and seems that if you present it to them that there needs are all still going to be met, they are okay. There are hard times for sure, but as long as you show them that there is going to be some stability, they will do just fine, IMO.


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
cookiegrl
♀ New Member
Member # 38647
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They keep asking about daddy. And while he does do things with them still, I feel like he lets them down a lot too, as far as spending time with them. And I cannot give any comfort to my son when this happens, he actually gets mad at ME.

Children are very resilent, and seems that if you present it to them that there needs are all still going to be met, they are okay.

I'm holding onto this, mandan!! thank you. I needed to hear it. I worry about them so much.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 8 years
2 awesome kids, 7 and 4
D-Day #1 2/28/13
D-Day #2 10/21/13
Reconciling
Courage is not the absence of fear. It's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 7

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