Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: BellaBoo (44915)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feelings
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all this is has not been a good month for my BW. Some fucked up reason my dumbass always seem to pick this time of year to do something stupid. This is the week of DDay and it has not been easy for her and I understand she is angry and she has all the right to. I lied, I cheated, I lied, I'm inconsiderate, I took her for granted..........and many more. I wish I can take it all back but I know I cant so I have to accept the responsibilities of my actions and this week has been hard cause just like her I'm having bad time as well knowing who I was. The now me looks back and is hurting for the past me, that stupid man.

As I have been reading other posts of other members I have been seeing something similar to everyone, it regards to feelings. I understand that we WS have done our wrong and the shit storm we created. We gave our BS the right to feel the way they feel.

My question to everyone is does our feelings matter now?? DOnt get wrong, we fucked up and the BS does have to right to vent and express their feelings, we took their lives and put it in a blender and pressed start. When venting and all that anger is coming out, how much can you take on the name calling, the insults, sarcasm, and such before you break. ??? I understand the anger the sadness the heartbreak, but does our feelings not count anymore since we did what we did. Do we just take it and shut up or is there a limit???

I just want to know how people react to this and how to respond to it as well. Cause I suck at it, I get to a point and I break which doesnt help the situation. So I need help.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might be wrong, but I think there's a point where you can say: "I want to hear more about your feelings, I want to make you feel safe, but can I ask that you please not call me names right now? Can you express your anger and disappointment without calling me names please?" I think that is a reasonable boundary. Maybe it's a matter of reframing boundaries - encouragement to talk and communicate, and parameters on how to do it respectfully, with emphasis that respectfully doesn't mean rugsweeping, rather it means not making disparaging remarks or name-calling. You still take responsibility for your actions, she can still say all the feelings she feels and ask questions, no limits on topics - everything you do during a healing conversation - but minus the name-calling. Would that help?

Hopefully others will have some clearer opinions. I'd be curious to know the answers too.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. This is something I grapple with on a daily basis. I hurt so badly and can't physically fight with my WS so I call him names. Horrible, ugly names - anything I can think of to bring him some hurt. I know, I know - you WS are hurting too, but it just doesn't resonate with me. My pain is so intense - so indescribable that I don't know how to even get some of it out. Cursing and swearing are the only ways I know and truth be told, they are not working either. I think you just don't understand how badly we are hurting. You think you do, but honestly, you don't. We didn't have a say in this. We weren't consulted. All this happened and we didn't even deserve some kind of a warning???????? I have told my WS over and over again, it would have been more humane if he had just left me or killed me. That's how bad this pain is. The only thing I can tell you is when we are in the "red anger" stage, we say anything that we think will hit home - hurt. When we are back in our "right minds" we are sorry we said those things but it's hard to unbreak a vase.
Perhaps I and your BS needs to talk to the MC/IC about how to deal with the anger - I know I have, but his suggestions just don't seem to work. If anyone else out there can help - please, please, please - have at it.

Posts: 1153 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your feelings do matter, and you have a right to feel them.

The thing is, she has feelings too, and right now, this is how she is expressing them. Is it the healthiest way to express them? Probably not. But it might be the only way she knows how. Take comfort in the fact that she's there with you to let loose on you. Crazy sounding, isn't it?

I was angry for a long time. A LONG time. It waned over the years as I learned to express my feelings in a more productive way. But there were many times in the first couple of years that my tongue was a razor and cut at will.

For me, it wasn't about hurting mr unfound but more about wanting him to know how much *I* hurt. I rationally knew he had feelings too, but at the time, I needed him to set aside his feelings and take responsibility for his actions that were causing my feelings...over and over again. It must have been exhausting for him. Was if fair? No. But it was what I needed.

Does this happen all the time, regularly, or is is getting less and less? Triggery times or places or things can bring it out, but over time, and with patience on your part (as well as all the other healing healthy actions) those times will probably fade. Focusing on her feelings and remembering and acknowledging that your past actions are the root of these feelings might be hard to do when you're being beaten down verbally. Being humble and knowing that this is a part of the process and how you react to it will show her that you are putting her feelings first.

In a healthy relationship, with two healthy people, this kind of behavior would not be "normal" or acceptable. In a relationship recovering from an affair, it unfortunately is. You two are recovering, and this is, fair or not, is part of it. How you handle it will be telling to her. Does it hurt? Hell yes, or course it does! Is it possible to allow this to be a part of the healing process? Yes. Now if you were 4 years out, it would be more concerning.

Do you have an outlet where you can express and release your feelings in a healthy way? Can you talk to her about going to MC and working on communication for both of you?


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14844 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how much can you take on the name calling, the insults, sarcasm, and such before you break. ??? I understand the anger the sadness the heartbreak, but does our feelings not count anymore since we did what we did. Do we just take it and shut up or is there a limit???

The options you're presenting here are black and white. Take it, or break. Take it and shut up, or reach your limit. Why the two extremes?

You're absolutely entitled to your feelings, and I believe suppressing our feelings can lead to disastrous consequences, and it sounds like you're a bit worried that you might blow. (Cue explosion sound effect.)

A great suggestion my therapist gave me, was to say "Ow." It sounds weird, but try it. Your BW is venting and calling you nasty names...when she takes a breath, say "Ow." This may startle her into silent empathy for a moment. At which point you need to be very careful how you proceed. If you say, "I feel Iike shit when you call me nasty names like that," that'd be an epic fail, because you're blaming her for causing your bad feelings. Put the blame on yourself by saying, "When you call me names like that, it hurts because it reminds me of how terribly I treated you and how deeply I hurt you. Hearing your angry words, I hate myself for causing you so much pain, and I am so sorry."


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

silverhopes : I have realized the way I put words together is horrible and thank you for your advice. The way you phrased it sounds way better than how I would have put it. Also when I do its usually during her angry stage.

Devasted :

That's how bad this pain is. The only thing I can tell you is when we are in the "red anger" stage, we say anything that we think will hit home - hurt. When we are back in our "right minds" we are sorry we said those things but it's hard to unbreak a vase.

My BW usually does that once she boils then she calms, my dumbass starts to get frustrated and I blow up then. I cannot ever be on that level of hurt and pain, just at times the words gets to much to handle. Thank you though.

Unfound :

Take comfort in the fact that she's there with you to let loose on you. Crazy sounding, isn't it?

Its not crazy otherwise we all are crazy. Love makes you do crazy things and I'm glad she is here though. I need to grow some thicker skin so I dont get frustrated as easy. It just seems like she gets angrier and angrier and I dont know what to do about that, best option I think is shut up and shut up.

Focusing on her feelings and remembering and acknowledging that your past actions are the root of these feelings might be hard to do when you're being beaten down verbally. Being humble and knowing that this is a part of the process and how you react to it will show her that you are putting her feelings first.

Key word Humble, I lack empathy and I know that has stopped me from being calm and then blowing up back at her. But humble is something that would be great to apply. Thank You

20Wrongs :

The options you're presenting here are black and white. Take it, or break. Take it and shut up, or reach your limit. Why the two extremes?

Same thing my BW says I think in black and white with no gray area. It just seems like that is the only option


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.