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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who is he, really??
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone,

Recently there was a thread recently that touched on "mirroring", and I've been wanting to post about that in my situation.

My XWH is now nothing like the man I married. The guy I knew was happy in his work, and seemed well liked by his co-workers. He cultivated his southern Cali beach boy image (he grew up in L.A.), listening to current rock and lots of 80's hair bands. He liked t-shirts, jeans, and flip-flops. He drank things like mojitos and Bud Light Lime. He "had to have" a bright metallic blue Jeep and loved nothing more than driving around with the top off, his sunglasses on, baseball hat on backwards, and the Van Halen blasting. He detested country music and groaned when his coworkers put on the country station. He complained bitterly that all the customers who came into his work wanted to talk sports stats and scores, and how "stupid and boring" they were. And even though his middle son has always been a hardcore Oregon Duck fan, he could NEVER muster the energy to show an interest, take him to a game, or even watch a game together on tv. Never. And he loved me, my casual t-shirt and jeans, minimal makeup, jewelry etc style. Or at least he said he did.

Now enter XWH 2.0 We've been divorced 6 months, and he's sold the Jeep and bought himself a big black pickup. He hates his work and has zero friends. Guys I thought were his friends have revealed otherwise. He listens exclusively to country music and is constantly liking and sharing country artists and country radio station stuff on his fb. His drink of choice is now Pendleton whiskey. He is now a HUGE sports fan, continually posting scores and stats. And yeah, because OW loves the Oregon Ducks, he's now their #1 fan. Your son wasn't reason enough to even pretend to care, but your tramp is? Apparently so, and he ADORES her, and she wears trendy clothes, tons of jewelry, and a gallon of make up just to hit the grocery store.

Sometimes, I'm okay with all this. Because I don't feel like OW has "my husband." I don't know who she has. The guy's a total stranger to me. He bears a striking physical resemblance (except for the cowboy boots, of course!) to the man I was married to, but that's about it. From a distance, whoever he is, he looks like a loser.

Then... I start thinking about our relationship. When we moved in together, we had 27 of the same rock CDs. 27! And his were not new, they were scratched up and well used. He knew them all by heart. They were not something he rushed out and bought to "mirror" something he saw in me. He had very expensive taste in clothes and household items. Not me. He liked camping and fishing. Also not me. He was a foodie and loved to cook fancy meals. Omg, SOO not me!! So what was he mirroring?

When I look back over his relationship history, all of us (his women) are VERY different. In fact the only thing we have in common is that he cheated on every one of us.

I can't figure this out but I don't want it to happen to me again. Was any of our relationship real? Or was/is he so skilled at manipulation that he mirrored me in ways I can't detect? It seemed so REAL.

Thoughts? Input? Anyone else have a XWH who transformed so completely?

Thanks,
Gypsybird87


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The guy's a total stranger to me. He bears a striking physical resemblance (except for the cowboy boots, of course!) to the man I was married to, but that's about it.

Yup. XH only talks to his bro & his BFF, who helped him cover w/OW & is also OM. XH cut most ties to the 20 years prior to A (friends, hobbies, etc). It's bizarre.

From a distance, whoever he is, he looks like a loser

I think the same thing. XH went from being a good looking dude to a middle age wanna be hipster. The kind of dude he used to relentlessly ridicule and I still do.

Was any of our relationship real? Or was/is he so skilled at manipulation that he mirrored me in ways I can't detect? It seemed so REAL.

I sometimes wonder the same thing myself. I find it impossible to believe that at SOME of it was genuine. But, ultimately, don't know, never will.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex-W is no one close to who she was when we married and when we separated. She has almost no friends, drinks constantly, is awful to our kids and now swears like a sailor.

Sometimes people break and morph into something else.

Who can know why?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He listens exclusively to country music and is constantly liking and sharing country artists and country radio station stuff on his fb.

This makes me wonder again if there wasn't some sort of A the summer MrH was in San Antonio. It preceded the 1A and I remember thinking it was strange he suddenly liked the Dixie Chicks and Britney Spears. This is when she first started being known...maybe 1998? I thought some OW must have gotten him into it. He blew it off and basically said that's what will happen when you're stationed for a summer in TX.

I wonder how they decide what aspects of their personalities and likes/dislikes to keep and what to chuck? Who mirrors what? How exhausting it must be to rewrite yourself.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe 3 years into my M, we started collecting mission oak pieces we came across at 2nd hand stores. It was good sturdy, solid furniture, not ornate but functional, easy to clean, and could survive kids. My SIL made this comment way back then: "Just so long as you know that one day, he'll chuck it all and the only thing he'll want to own is Formica and chrome." I had no idea what she was talking about at the time.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine completely changed his job focus to suit her's and he also started being all about kids (she had one), which he never was before.

He abandoned all of our friends and all of the interests and hobbies he had while he was with me.

It's pretty pathetic, whatever it is... this mirroring thing.

It freaks me out a little to think that he has so little of a core to himself. It makes me feel like he was feeding off of me all of these years. At one point I said something to that effect to him (that he really had no center or moral compass) and he got, really, really angry... but the kind of angry you get when you know someone is right.

He also talked during our Ddays in a way about me that was sort of like eulogizing me and what he "got" out of our relationship. He listed the good things that he learned from watching me. That was creepy, too.

The #1 thing he said he learned was to keep in touch with your friends and family and show them that you care about them by calling, sending gifts, etc.

He may have "learned" that-- but it's certainly not something that he is doing now at all. He's just run away from his "past" life.

Let's be glad we're rid of these weirdos.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all go thru this. I have experienced with both my ex's now. before the divorce I just looked at them and was like who are you? I hear your voice and its familiar but your face, your body is not what I know. its ugly, hideous, foreign...
when I felt that way, I knew there was no way going back. all my love was gone. all my trust crushed. my heart hurt due to this feeling but I also knew I longed for more and what I deserved was more as well.

when you dont see who you married anymore its because that person has died. the relationship has died and you need to proceed forward as so.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 9:31 PM, November 16th (Saturday)]


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad clown used me to have children. I'll never understand why he didn't pick someone that was gagging to have children.

We were very different. He liked sports and music. His idea of a deep conversation was the ins/outs of a football game. I never saw him read a book. Never. That always bothered me but boy did he love me.

I'm an avid reader. I like to have deep discussions and I like to share thoughts, views, opinions. I'm not at all interested in sport.

I thought we shared common core values. We made each other laugh. I enjoyed our differences - I thought we both enjoyed each others quirks. But most of all I enjoyed his love bombing.

That is the 'me' in this mess that I am just now coming to terms with. I loved how he loved me more than I loved him, IYKWIM? I loved it so much I hung on long after he stopped loving me like that - just waiting for it to come back.

I think many of us do that - we only see them as we knew them when we first fell in love, not as they showed themselves to really be even prior to DD. I know I held on to the illusion for many more years than he bothered to keep it up.

Sometimes they mirror our likes/dislikes - sometimes they mirror our ideal mate. It is all a part of their love bombing. They work out pretty quickly what the mark is looking for and they adapt to that.

IMO this happens when someone doesn't know themselves and/or loathes themselves. They have no self value or respect so the way to get it is to pretend to be someone worthy of self value and respect.

During the first S in the weeks after DD I remember him standing there weeping saying "I'm 40 years old and I don't know who I am".

I knew it was true. I felt sorry for him.

He has undiagnosed depression. A drinking problem. Now a problem with drugs (drug use was a deal breaker for me - I found out later he had been doing pot/cocaine on and off in the last years of that M). He has chosen to drown out his depression with love/booze/elicit drugs.

My hows/whys are no longer related to him. They all relate to me. How/why did I lie to myself for so long? This is where my healing lies - not in answers about him.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO this happens when someone doesn't know themselves and/or loathes themselves. They have no self value or respect so the way to get it is to pretend to be someone worthy of self value and respect.

Bingo! I totally agree. I actually pointed this out to the Gnat shortly after Dday. I said something along the lines of "you don't even know who your are. You have no sense of self, you become what others want you to be. It's so pathetic". Remember, this was when I was still in the initial shock, rage, and lashing out stage. I wouldn't bother saying anything like this now.

Guess, what his response was, "Well, it's worked for me so far". I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. I married a total fraud.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 879 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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