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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who can I share this with?
♀ Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OakStreet....sorry you are in this situation and though it does not seem at times like you will get through will, whatever your life decisions are.

When I said earlier about who I did and did not tell...I forgot the MC and the AP's spouse. Yes, I outed OW to her spouse, both friends, neighbors, co-worker of spouse and etc. He never responded to me but she (OW)did in a the most laughable and attempt of hurting me more but that was impossible. Her "scorned woman" approach was my reward of a very carefully worded (kind and no details) to her spouse which she later apologize to some degree, but her below the belt words could not be taken back. She had been "it was not a big deal" until then and her true self was revealed to her spouse. He is techie enough to follow the sheer number of emails and texts she was sending WS....and he was advised of the Certified Letter of No Contact mailed to OW.

Take care of have been in a long term marriage as I have. We are in R and it has been over a year since Dday....and I really have no recall of lots of days during the first 6 months after Dday. One of my survival things was make a decision and when the day would come, I would make a decision to make another deadline.....and I am still here. It may not work for others but it did for me.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very sad that we have to keep this to ourselves. And I feel that a life changing illness would bring support. But this we must hide. To the point that I begin to feel like I'm the one having the secret affair. And how unfair when we never asked for this.
I at first wanted to tell everyone close that I knew. I am now thankful I did not. Mainly I realized it could leak to the kids. But this has changed my relationship with some close friends, I am not as outgoing, not getting together, not responding to txts. And they are noticing this. This is hard, and unfair.
I did confide in one close friend. I took a chance, and it was the best thing. She is very nonjudgemental. Gives great advice. Is able to problem solve and help me understand issues. She has attended family occasions, and is able to interact in her usual manner. My WH does not know she is aware.. I give her and her husband a lot of credit for this. So if you have a friend who you can trust in this way, it is helpful. But I have to be careful to also rely on my IC, As I do not want to stress my BFF too much.. Some of my other close friends would have hung him , talked amongst themselves .And that would not be good for my family..
I talk to myself a lot lately also. So if you see a women in a mini van chatting away to herself, thats me. I don't judge other drivers now either, because you never know what they are going through

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
♂ Member
Member # 30231
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I really told no one aside from a mental health counselor for close to a year. That really isolated me and almost made me crazy.

Once I went to my siblings with it, things got better for me. Once you tell, you can't untell, but getting my brothers and my sister in my corner helped me cope.

Me: BH-44. Her: WW-44
D-Day: 10/31/2010
Status: after almost two years of hell after
dday, we found our way to true R and just passed the third anniversary of dday with barely a notice of it.

Posts: 189 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Florida
♀ New Member
Member # 41301
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told too many people and wished I had kept it to myself, the longer from DD and the more we argued the more I wanted to hurt him for what he has put me through. For the first couple of months I kept it quiet, but as time has passed I have told a few other people, both my brothers two close friends and my in-laws and his sister.
I would advise against it if you can, I am very fragile at the moment and felt it would help to confide in these people. I really wished I kept my big mouth shut, but I found this very hard when I was hurting so much.
I know that people judge you differently after, and my husband knows I have told these people and he can't face them in future. He has even found it hard with his family knowing, he is very embarrassed by what he has done.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, WH sent a very sexually explicit text, meant for OW of course, but it went to one of our 17 year-old daughters and me accidentally. Of course she told her 3 siblings right away. I had my WH leave the house that night, and he has been living with his Mom since that night (DDay 6 months ago).I had no choice in the matter. Teenagers being the way they are, my kids confided in their boyfriends and "just a couple best friends." It was too hard on them to ask them to keep it all inside. Also, OW was a friend from same school & parish, and many people had seen them together at events and parties. So basically, the gossip has traveled quickly and everyone knows what he did to me. Yes, it's humiliating, but I know i'm doing the right thing by moving on. Of course I would ask him why he was always with her, and why he'd ignore me when she was around. He always said they were just friends and he felt sorry for her bc she had to show up to events alone since her Husband traveled a lot. I loved him and just didn't want to see what was really happening. I know it's different for everyone, and no one can judge what another person should do as far as R or not. But for me, after so many years of being neglected and betrayed, I could never R with WH. It's scary and so sad. Honestly I am terrified. We've been Married 23 years, since I was 22! But I do have a little bit of pride and dignity left. And I know I deserve better than to stay with a person who would disrespect me and our kids in this way. I was lonely for years, as I was left alone to raise 4 kids while he was going out looking for women. He shared such personal things with her. I can't imagine staying with someone who would treat me like this. And I have to be strong and be an example to my kids. good luck. I know it's a hard decision. But I do think if someone cheats and gets away with it, most likely it will happen again.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
♀ New Member
Member # 38441
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told the other woman's husband?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should we protect the WS? When I found out I told my SIL (who had suffered thru it all last year with WH's brother), I told my parents and siblings and his parents. Mainly because he was presenting me as an unloving, unsupportive, and accused me of inflicting mental cruelty. He was telling everyone that we were having problems but working on R, which we never did, all the while he was planning his escape. He moved out a month after the A started and filed for D less than a month later. He is a proud man who thinks a lot of himself. His reputation both personally and professionally is most important. Why should I protect him further? I made excuses for him for 15 years for his lack of interest in our children, our families etc and no more. I want my daughters to know because when this finally ends and he starts his "new life" with his AP I want them to not be duped by either of them. He is not the kind of man I want my daughters to marry and I want them to continue a relationship with him if they choose with full information. They do not need to know the gory details but the fact that he chooses to do this SHOULD impact him. It has impacted the rest of us immensely. I doubt that R is in my future but even if it is, he needs to step up recognize his failings and work to be a better version of himself. The support I rec'd from my family has been amazing. Instead of cowering in my home avoiding contact they surround me with love and support, they cry with me and laugh with me and plot out outrageous revenge with me over a glass of wine. But they all know that I will not take him back just for the sake of our daughters. If he wants back it is going to require a ton of work and honestly I doubt he is that kind of man. The more and more I read about it all he is a Narcissist maybe not to the extent of NPD but close. He needs to be adored and the fact that his daughters are questioning him already makes him pull away from them even further. So my advice is forget about the impact on the WS. Do it all for yourself and to get the support and help you need. Sorry for the long rant here but his AP Facetimed me last night by mistake and WH cancelled all my access accounts. So I am trying to fix that mess now too. Oakstreet only you can decide what to do. But don't do it to protect him from ridicule, do what is best for YOU. Stop thinking about him because he is not thinking about you.

Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No (catwoman) I haven't told the OW's H because she doesn't have one (except, briefly mine).

I went to my IC today for the second time and he is going to his counselor tomorrow for the first time - which will evolve into MC.

So my WH asked me how counseling went and I told him, and reiterated some of the hurt and pain he caused. Once I reviewed the details of the times they met and what they did (he gave me this info in a letter), I realized I had questioned him about his activities at those specific times and he got angry with me for questioning him.

Then I told him I was considering asking him to test for STDs and he said,

"I never had sex with that woman!"

I said, "Pretty damn funny, Bill Clinton."

Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 28
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