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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: just wondering on a scale of 0-10
♀ Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero even when he didn't come home that night. I thought he was picked up for a DUI. I never thought he would cheat. After he told me I was shocked. I still am. We talked about it often. We had relatives that divorced after an affair. He thought it was so disrespectful and disgusting. He still doesn't see himself that way. He doesn't like me to refer to him as a wayward. He doesn't want to be lumped in with "those" people. He is so broken. Not the man I have been married to for 17 years.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0 chance here. We were together 8 years before marriage. Everyone who knew us would have agreed. He was known as a serial monogamist. Problem is he forgot to end our M before finding his next lifemate.

Edited to add- if you haven't read my story, I trusted him completely. Our MC was incredulous that I allowed him to go on vacations with her. I was lied to- these were group trips with piles of mutual friends - the TT that he knew it was just them on the first trip (and later vaguely described the nonexistent "group") was almost too much. One male mutual friend whose emotional awareness is far too strong asked me a few times if everything was okay. When I found out about the A, I was unable to be around him and his wife for awhile. We never told them or really anyone else, but I still think that he knew and knows.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 1:39 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I can put a number on it, but I was very aware of the possibility when we were first married. Not because of anything he did but because I was aware of the odds. Over the years, our marriage got better and better and our devotion grew. So did my trust. I saw the way he enforced his boundaries. I still didn't think he was immune, but I thought the possibility was less likely.

Even so, when I saw the signs, I was always able to explain them away. When I finally did confront him the first time I was able to accept his denial for another few months. Then when it became obvious, I desperately wanted to believe him and half believed his minimalizing. So even tho the rational me knew it was always a possibility, the irrational, emotional part of me took over. I was in textbook denial. Fortunately, there was just enough doubt to make me look for the hard facts I needed.

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

zero chance...i mean, i really thought he was a special guy, and that i got lucky with him. i trusted him completely.

HOWEVER, i do remember my mother telling me that she felt that he was a cheater. i remember getting mad at her thinking she wasnt supporting my m. but she "knew." and she was so right. he was actually a serial cheater...who had me fooled but not her.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 976 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero. He was so angry at his dad for cheating on his mom he always swore he couldn't do that to someone. My dad once commented that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and I got so mad at him.

I would have bet everything on him not bring able to cheat. That's why he got away with it. He sucked at lying and hiding it but I convinced myself that he had to be telling the truth because he wasn't capable of cheating. My gut had to be wrong..he was right when he said I was being crazy and jealous and they are just friends.

Now when people say they know there is zero chance my SO will cheat I think how niave they are and if they only knew that it can happen to anyone...even if you are sure there is zero chance of it...

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero. Absolutely zero. I talked about "what ifs" and how to cope with finding other people attractive, but he totally refused to talk about it. Cake is better than being a grown up, I guess.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 605 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero. Even when I realized our M was in bad shape (pre-A), I never would have guessed she'd have an A.

Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero. We talked about what we would do if one of us was ever miserable in the M: counselling. I thought my H loved God more than he loved me, so our M vows kept us "safe" from adultery.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a realist. I would have said 1.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gee I would have said about 4. He cheated on me while we were dating. I was young and dumb enough to think that marriage would change him, but part of me never really trusted him. For me Dday was not a shock, even though he showed no change in behavior; more of it is.

Now, however, I would be shocked. I truly feel that he has changed. But I know there are no guarantees.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back, I was an idiot. I would have said "zero." I should have given WH a 50/50% chance of cheating. He always surrounds himself with women. When we were dating, I used to tease him about his "harem." I always attributed it to him honestly preferring the company of women, in some enlightened anti-chauvinistic, emotionally available way.

Instead, it was keeping a herd of back ups in the wings; when one doesn't give you enough attention to soothe you or expects you to be involved in the relationship, no worries, move to the next. It was predatory; not egalitarian.

Yeah, less than brilliant of me. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You would think that after having been cheated on by 4 women before that I would have had a glimmer. Nope, chose her because of her strong moral convictions and the fact that she swore that she would not become the fifth. She couldn't stand cheaters.

You would think....

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally totally did not think my spouse would ever ever cheat. That he loved me and his little family too much to destroy it. Well that blew up.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero, and everyone else who knew him would have said so as well. The people who know now (I mean the people I told, not the people who knew and didn't tell me), were all shocked.

One reason I dated him in the first place was that I was sure that he would always treat me well, unlike my previous crappy boyfriends.

Guess I was wrong.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero zero zero zero zero. Why??? because WH was a priest and I believed he would never risk his career, priesthood, family. He escaped the shame he should have faced from his congregation because I protected them from the devastation it would have caused them.

[This message edited by bitterbetrayal at 5:38 PM, November 18th (Monday)]

ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000. period.

BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which means on a scale of 0-10, my naivete was (not anymore) a solid 10.

She may or may not cheat again, but if it happens I won't be blindsided again. Fool me once...

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 32626
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ZERO. It didn't even cross my mind. Or even enter my mind as a subject to discuss. His father was a serial cheater, 35+ affairs in 38 years of marriage. His parents divorced the same year we got married. We dated for 4 years before getting married. We were married for "Time and all Eternity" in the Temple. I just assumed he was as committed as I was.

Boy, was I wrong. Started his first affair one year after we were married. Has continued in PA affairs, pornography and EA for our entire marriage.

Never in a million years is this where I thought I would be after 39 years of marriage.

Nave, so nave. NOT ANYMORE, though!!!!!

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink

BS(me)55...STBXWH 55
Married 37 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-10/75; 10/80; 09/92; 12/09; 12/10; 03/11...more?

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Utah
♀ New Member
Member # 39601
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If someone would have told me that one of you would one day cheat, I would have said it must be me then because he would never.

BS (Me)-48
PA-5 1/2 months
D-Day 5-8-11 (Happy Mother's Day to me)
Married 26 years
Trying to R
"Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up."

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zero. We had only ever loved each other.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Topic Posts: 47
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