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Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Who is right?
MyNameIsDoug
♂ New Member
Member # 35570
Stop  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife wants me to call a crisis hotline and tell them I threatened to beat up a drug dealer for my cousin who hardly talks to me. My wife thinks I care more about my cousin that her. I think this phone call is absurd. Who is right?

Posts: 46 | Registered: May 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Did you threaten to beat up a drug dealer?

2. Are you still in contact with your cousin? Cause this just keeps coming up and I'm thinking 100% NC is the only answer. No ifs, ands, buts. Go NC. Get the cousin out of your life. Do what you need to do. New job, whatever.

Not doing what it takes to help your wife *is* caring more for your cousin than your wife.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
I dont know the background to your story but from Aubries reply it seems this cousin is somewhat relevant to your A? Is this right?

I think a phone call would not be necessary but am wondering if I am missing something to the story?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 799 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
MyNameIsDoug
♂ New Member
Member # 35570
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did threaten the drug dealer.
I have very little or no contact with my cousin.
I have refused to talk about this to anybody which is why it keeps coming up. I should have made the call. I called this morning and it did help. But my wife still thinks I care more for my cousin than her. since I have repeatedly refused to make a simple phone call to show my wife that I care more about her than my cousin what can I do know? Do I care more about my cousin than my wife. After all, I did put myself in bodily harm and risk jail which would have meant abandoning my wife and son all for my cousin but I repeatedly refused to do something as simple as call a counselor to help my wife.

Posts: 46 | Registered: May 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Very little or no contact" is not good enough Doug. You have leapt over boundaries with your cousin. Zero contact. None. Take it from someone with an enmeshed family, there ARE still ways to go 100% NC.

Showing your wife she is more important to you means more than just calling a friggin' hotline. Its making her feel safe. Its doing what she asked the first time. Not after the 100th time, and after she has threatened divorce. Not after she breaks out the megaphone and screams yet again, what she wants from you.

Be proactive. Not reactive.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6127 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should look at it in a perspective of "who is right", but rather "who is hurt" in this situation.

Sure, you could be just talking out of your ass when it comes to threatening to beat up that drug dealer. But put it in their perspective a bit. You got mad at this drug dealer, so mad that hypothetically, you were willing to risk yourself and your family to go beat up this guy for your cousin.

Now, you said you don't talk to your cousin much at all. So, you've projected that you're willing to go to drastic measures for the sake of someone you know less than your BS.

So, who is hurt if you followed through with this plan? Well, the drug dealer for one. But also your BS. Quite frankly, no matter how justified it is to beat that guy up, he isn't worth risking your family over. What would happen if your cousin found themselves in a similar situation again?

But, if you don't do it, then no one is hurt. You're not risking everything for some ill-conceived vengeance. If your cousin is in that much trouble, the authorities should be involved and nothing more. Don't waste your time.

I guess how I'm interpreting it, from what little there is, you threatening to beat them up was pure bluff. But, even so, the fact that you'd say something like that for the sake of your cousin and not your BS speaks words to them. Have there been any great sacrifices you have made for your BS like that?

It's odd, but I think after the A, BSes will compare themselves to everyone you know, even relatives. "If he's willing to do that for him, what's wrong with me to the point where he wouldn't do the same?"


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, November 17th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you take vows to be married, you promised to make your wife to be the most important family you have, even more important than your parents. Your wife is now your family, your parents and relatives are your family of origin.

Your wife should come first, in this scenario. And in all other scenarios.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6080 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 7

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