He started the PA up again with the same OW in 8/2012 and ended it July 2013- because he decided that he didn't want that kind of life, and he wanted try and focus on our marriage again.
Our marriage had been improving since July on, mainly since I saw that he was re-engaging in the family again. Participating in family events (even silly things like chorus concerts, which he always passed). He helped around the house again. He laughed and joked with us. Things were looking up!
Then D-Day when I found out about the A. I only discovered the recent one, he confessed to the earlier version.
Now- I'm so very hurt, betrayed, etc, etc. I'm curious to others who found out about a PA AFTER it was over. I think if it was going on, I may be closer to D than R, but because he ended it and came 'back' to the marriage on his own... agh, I'm not sure what it means.
Anyone out there have any thoughts or experience on OLD affairs?
Hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this.
[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 1:21 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]
But truly, if he had confessed after the fact, after he had ended things and come back to the marriage, I feel that would have been helpful in reconciling.
I wish you peace and strength.
[This message edited by iwillNOT at 8:47 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]
My thoughts are that they made a choice to end the A because they wanted to and they made a choice to be with their wife because that is where they want to be.
My H told me "Well, I CHOSE YOU" (which I'm sure he thought would make me feel better) and I said "well you chose me first and married me"... This still bothers me even many years out.
[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:56 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
On the other hand, like littlemrs points out, everything in between is tainted and has a dark cloud over it. I feel extremely pissed off about the lies I was told when I confronted 4 yrs ago that I bought, the decision to buy a home, have a second child, the way he distanced himself from the family for that four years, everything! Every I love you, our first family vacation, is tainted. Each affair has unique things in them but they all have the common core of betrayal. Betrayal by a loved one is devastating no matter when the truth comes out.
[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 11:48 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]
He had a 'break' for six years and then met someone he 'fell in love with' and that affair lasted for twelve years until I discovered it last year. During that time he also had another five affairs. One lasting for a year and the others for shorter periods of time.
I knew that he had a ONS when I was pregnant and he told me that he would never do it again. He lied. I believed him.
So, yes, I found out about all the old affairs. Does it make a difference in the long run? Initially yes. I was doubly, triply, quadruply heartbroken. We had even gone to MC while he was in the ten year affair...
It's all devastating. Everything. Every lie, cheat, betrayal.
I'm so sorry that you have found this out too. There is solace in this website. It has certainly helped me knowing that my situation is not unique.
But I guess the answer is all of it. Because if he wasn't actually with her, then he was actively hiding it.
I found out about my WH's affair the day after it went sexual (bj) - because the OW sent a bitter text to my WH. He had broken it off.
That made it only slightly better. I was lied to for 18 months about an EA that I suspected. It was the lying and not communicating with me (after DDay) that made me most angry.
He gave up every detail how this evolved and as I reconstructed the timeline, I was even more devastated. I had questioned him about his activities almost every time he met with her - and he turned it around with anger toward me - "there's nothing going on". The OW was an employee.
My WH is at his first meeting with his IC as I write this. I am hoping for the best!
Is she married or attached to anyone? If so, you need to tell her BS. That may help insure it doesn't pick back up again later down the road.
The fact of it being the same OW but years apart would concern me greatly.
DH has appeared to have thoroughly followed the NC, including going to a mutual friend of the two of them and telling him that he wasn't to pass on anything from OW to WH. I have no way of knowing if that is true but I'm going with it for now.