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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm venting here instead
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

found out he went to a business after hours thing before he met me for a drink. he always told me about these things and if he was or wasn't going.The issue is because both OW work in this town in the business industry...
saw picture online of him there. He sometimes has to be there because of his job.
Why not tell me, especially after he came from there directly to meet me...?
He's either going to cheat or not cheat. Be open or not be open with me.
I have to accept the person he is.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:57 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3629 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I'm posting again. I'm sitting here crying, realizing he's never going to be the person I need him to be.
He will never come to me with something uncomfortable, it has been proven again and again.
What the heck am I still doing here. And this isn't even a big thing...but its typical.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3629 | Registered: Dec 2010
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

realizing he's never going to be the person I need him to be.
He will never come to me with something uncomfortable, it has been proven again and again.
What the heck am I still doing here. And this isn't even a big thing...but its typical.

I so totally relate to this. And then when he does (rarely) come to me with something "uncomfortable" and it upsets me or results in questions or hell even just a conversation he immediately freaks out that "THIS" is why he doesn't tell me this stuff, then in the future if I find out something he didn't tell me he goes off about if he does tell me, I'll freak out and sites the 2 examples in 5 months as proof of that. So I will never know what he is and isn't telling me and I do not know how to reconcile with a person like that.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((rachelc)))

I am sorry for your pain...just today I inquired what my wifes schedule was to be.

Her relaying her schedule to me provides some comfort to me. Most times she remembers, sometimes she doesn't. It hurts when I send the text to her asking her if she has a "busy day"....but my alternative is to let it go and build resentment with these little things. I am not willing to do that so I do the uncomfortable thing of texting her. I do the same with my needs now....it is not comfortable...particularly with my abandonment issues, because as I put myself out there she can decide to hurt me with them...particularly with sarcasm, but other ways too. But to NOT do so would put us back to our pre-A M....have leaned into too much pain for that to happen now.


Gently....the words "never" and "always" are really fast ways for me to throw flags on the field. I have felt this firm emotion many times....so far, my feelings lied to me.

To be sure....I would view the "offense" to be much stronger if my wife failed to tell me about a time when her and her AP were in the same place compared to the schedule thing I mentioned above. So I really do think your situation is different then mine....but the "never" thing is still a flag to be examined.

The business, social thing is a real deal. I work in a business that has social gatherings as part of how we conduct ourselves. I suspect that unless you move out of the territory this will be an ongoing issue for you. Any way you can attend these functions with him? In my industry there are several men who come to these hospitality settings with their wives.


Okay...so I don't have any real help to offer you.

I will say a very real, very specific prayer for you right now.

God be with you both rachelc and Mr. rachelc. You will grow through this day....

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:56 AM, November 18th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2674 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any way you can attend these functions with him?

I could if I knew about them.

you're right - I should't use the word NEVER. Last month he told me about one and I didn't over-react just said, ok.

It's just that we tell each other about our days.. and he purposely didn't tell me he went there.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3629 | Registered: Dec 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many fWS are breaking free from a cycle of witholding....of avoiding conflicts...in addition to from the A itself.

The A itself was a very nice, albeit horribly destructive and incredibly temporary, relief from their reality. I suspect your husband is past his A...I say this as I follow your journey closely and read most all of your posts.

But this mode-of-living was most likely a part of your husband since his formative years...it is for my wife.

So they naturally avoid doing anything that causes upset (call it people pleaser, emotion stuffer, independent person, etc.). Mr. rachelc HAS shared some painful things with you....so he is trying.

It is not fair....but try and not react so strongly to really bad truths mr. rachelc express's to you. I actually practice reacting to really bad news from my wife in my head before it happens. I also pull from my immediate past....see how I reacted....observe the results....and change my inputs if what I did influenced an outcome that I do not feel is healthy for our marriage.

NOTICE: I did NOT say "comfortable to me"...I said healthy to our marriage. Is a strong reaction to a truth of the past the best for the future of our marriage? Certainly if our spouses decide to cheat again...righteous anger is to be employed, as well as the services of a trained D attorney....but until that happens we serve our marriages better by reacting in a subdued manner.


Here is the catch to that.....my subdued manner is still way outside my wifes comfort zone! We are not to suppress our own feelings to keep them in their comfort zones....they have to be willing to step up in similar fashion as we are trying to do.


When we fail we have to express grace and mercy if our M are to survive.

Can you go for a walk? Nature is good....has restorative powers just being in nature.


Post often today....

When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragment. He wants us to move into the land of praise.


I am prodding you rachelc. You are a strong woman. You have more courage then you think you do right now. You have done the same for me in the past....and I have faith you will do it again in my future.

There is comfort in community.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2674 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This would not sit well with me at all. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

(((rachelc)))


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14622 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Rachelc)))
Is one of your requirements for R to know each others schedules? It is for me....I have told my husband I need to know where he is, whether traveling for work or here in town. I have too much anxiety & pain if I don't know. He texts me or calls to keep in touch. It may be overkill but it is part of our new normal.
If there are no secrets, you should know. Can you let him know this will help you to feel safe & to trust?


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 576 | Registered: Oct 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes. He apologized. Said he didn't know it was a business after hours thing but a ribbon cutting and he thought he had told me. It just seems odd that he wouldn't tell me he had just seen his friend who used to work for him 5 minutes before he saw me...
we talked last night and he said is going to these functions within the boundaries? i said yes, as long as you leave if the OW are there... he said he's never seen them there and I believe him.

He said everything he does at work he wonders how it will affect me and if he's doing the right thing. His life is far from perfect because of it. But he said, "I suppose those are my consequences of doing what I did." I didn't say anything... but listened.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:52 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3629 | Registered: Dec 2010
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did good rachelc, sounds like you calmly listened. So sad that before DDay you might not have thought a thing about him going without mentioning it to you, but now......
So glad to hear he apologized and then asked if that would be ok to go in the future. Good for him, I think it's a good sign he recognized that he needs to tell you everything, even things that seem insignificant. Uh, yeah those are the consequences my friend, I suppose so.
Take care, does this feel like a step forward maybe?


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 459 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you were able to talk to him. When he said "I suppose those are the consequences of doing what I did" and you listened was great on both your parts. He is owning what he did & trying to do the right things and you gave him the positive atmosphere to be open and honest with you.
I agree with pinkjeeplady, positive step forward.


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 576 | Registered: Oct 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, think you did good, 1) with your vent, 2) with accepting feedback, and 3) with your conversations. Come to think of it, you did great!

Sounds like your H is learning, too.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8895 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((rachelc))) Sorry you had a setback. Those are not fun I am glad your WH apologized and you were able to talk about things. I hope he can be more mindful in the future to tell you these things. I would have reacted the same way you did.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 13

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