I wrote and gave this list of questions to my H with two weeks for him to respond. St. E is my nickname for the OW, it is not her real name. She loves to say what a 'good person' she is, so the irony of sainting her has brought me satisfaction. Here's what I wrote to hubby:
Some questions I need answers to here. I have thought on them for a long time, and I don’t want you to have to keep any more secrets from me or me from you. I want to know everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in order to move forward with our relationship recovery. There are several reasons that I want to have this total truth; I want to eliminate huge surprise discoveries in the future that could damage our relationship or change its direction, I don’t want you to have any special connections or secrets with Saint Ethel – and I mean NONE if you choose to be with me in our marriage, I want to have my eyes wide open as to what we have to face on the road to recovery from the affair, I want to see if you can be honest with me even if you are afraid of what I may do, say or feel, and finally I want us to be able to be exposed and vulnerable with each other.
So please, take some time to really think about your answers and try to include absolutely everything about each topic. Please add on any other things you may have been keeping just for yourself, or that you may have believed that you were protecting me from. They will be likely to come out anyway eventually, and if I independently discover that you were purposefully dishonest about being completely honest and truthful with me, it will be a breach of the contract you signed. I wish I could promise you that nothing will change my mind about us and you, and I feel like that right now, but I have no idea how I will feel/react, nor do I know how you will feel/react to anything. I can tell you that I will be slow, thoughtful, and reflective of what I learn and how time may affect those feelings. Please, please PLEASE tell me everything now. Please.
So, I want to hear more about the tattoo St.E got. More than; she came to work and showed it to you out of the blue. I want to know what you’re reaction really was. Did you just smile and carry on? Did you express happiness, smile at her, reassure her that you liked it? Did she ask if you liked it? Did she or you ever talk about it beyond the first time she showed you? I would like to know all the details around that tattoo. Including any words you said about it to her, to anyone else, to her daughter. Did anyone else comment on it to you? Exactly when did she get that tattoo (please don’t lie).
What about her request to have your baby. How did that come up, when exactly did she start to talk about it, for how long. What were your words to her on the topic (try to remember and share as much as you can honestly). What I`m left wondering is why she would talk about it for a few weeks, what you said that made her keep bringing it up. Did she ever relate the request to what it would do to me or the boys? Did you ever talk to her about what that would do to me and the boys? If you didn`t talk about it, what did YOU think about that request in relation to me and our sons, and if so, what were your thoughts. Did she talk to her daughter about it, did her daughter talk to you about it?
Have you thought at all about getting a vasectomy? I asked you months ago to get back to me about that, I think it’s time for you to get back to me now.
What movies did you see together. I want all of them, even if we saw them. I also want to know where you watched them, each (her apartment, theatre, somewhere else)
I would like you to list all of your significant dates of your affair. Did you guys celebrate some kind of anniversary, or multiple for multiple reasons? Even if you don’t remember the exact date, I want to know if she considered any dates special to you guys and what they celebrated (first kiss, first sex, anything at all). If you only remember the month, then tell me that. I want to know what dates you have in your head. Do you know her kid’s birthdays? Did she celebrate our kids birthdays? How and with what?
Please list every town, restaurant, mini-putt, church, ANY place the two of you went that you remember, including parks or things you walked in regularly and so on.
Any more gifts that you have thought of that you gave her or she gave you? Even consumable things, I’d really like to know.
Did you ever have any holiday meal or celebration with her after the actual day, or even on the actual day, and where did you tell me you were at that time. (how did you celebrate both of your birthdays each time)
I know you often said early on that the only time you “flat out lied about where you were going” was the one night in January, but with your new knowledge of what constitutes a lie to your wife is there anything else I should know about? Did you say you were going to be somewhere and do something different? I remember the playing basketball you said was used a lot, and that you would always play basketball so that you felt like you were not lying. I know the one time you said you went to Bridgewater frenchy’s alone, that you were really with her. Other than that, as far as I know the only times you saw her were before, after and during work. I know that you considered that you spent Friday nights with her and Saturday nights with me. That makes my ‘gut feeling’ think that can’t be right, that she wouldn’t be able to believe in the ‘love’ you two had as hard as she did without a lot more than I know about.
Did you ever see her while I was at guitar lessons? Did you talk on the phone to her the entire time? Did you ask her for advice about our infant son?
Did you send naked pictures of each other to each other, or sexy pictures, or any pictures at all? When we got an astronomical phone bill when we first got your new phone, was that because of dirty pictures you and St. E sent to each other?
You said before that you ‘ made sure you never did the same romantic stuff for us, we each had our own romance from you’. I would like you to tell me in detail every romantic thing you can remember that you ever did for St. Ethel, including certain phrases you may have used over and over again, pet names, what did she call you. When you emailed me a picture of yourself, my first thought was just excitement, and my immediate second thought was ‘did you do this with her’. This is exactly why I want to know everything, this is exactly what I’m hoping to avoid.
I want to re-ask and have answered these questions again. Not because I suspect anything, but because you may have a different outlook on what total truth is now, and I want to give you the opportunity to build your integrity and be as honest as possible.
• Did she ever set foot on our property, in our house, our driveway, anything.
• Has she ever been in the black car. Did you ever have sex or kiss in it.
• Did our son ever see her besides at work? Ever. Even a walk, anything.
• Is there anything else in our house that you have since remembered has any association with her?
I would also like you to consider and make an action plan as to what exactly you will do if St Ethel ever tries to contact you. What will you do if she calls, texts, emails, mails a letter or purposefully visits you? I also want to know what you will do if you genuinely run into her by accident, and what you will do if WE run into her by accident.
What music did you listen to together. What songs did she or you find special to each other.
You never did answer my question about your thoughts on love for her. You said ‘true’ to a lot of stuff I said, but you never clearly stated what your belief is about the ‘love’ you shared with her, love for me before, during and after the affair, and your belief in your love for me now and in the future. It’s true that we can’t know how we’ll feel, but I can ask you if you plan on either leaving or looking elsewhere if you don’t ‘feel’ romantic love for me sometime again in the future. I want real truth, real honesty here. I deserve to know what I was kept in the dark about for years, it was my life you were fucking with as well as yours and our sons. I need to know what the fuck happened to my life during your affair. I genuinely feel like I`m on a search for a missing person, and I still cry for the girl I was during the betrayal and lies. I feel like if I know more, I might find more of myself here and there.