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Newest Member: 2stupid4words (44983)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I am concerned with NB
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My concern, and I wonder if it is the same with others here as well...
I am so used to STBXH and his crap, that I'm afraid of settling for anything so long as it isn't as bad as the STBXH.
Will I be so pathetically easy to please, that I replace one jerk for another?
Maybe I won't see his bad side, like I didn't see STBXH's.
I know I will be on the lookout for selfishness. My own personal theory on A's is that every single WS here had self esteem/worth issues and selfishness. All of them were completely incapable of selflessness.
Makes me want to never date again. Besides, seriously thinking I might stay LS for another 2 more years anyway so that I can collect on his social security!
So, anybody else have these same fears, and advice to prevent such happenings from reoccurring?


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2238 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
lonelylost
♀ Member
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry about that too. Will history repeat itself before I realize what's going on?

Here's a question: Did you see red flags with STBXH when you guys were dating but ignored them? Give him the benefit of the doubt? I now realize there were many flags I ignored. I am a very tolerant, somewhat gullible person (I admit), and X always gave me a good excuse.

When you're ready to date watch for red flags and don't ignore them. Also, if you date too soon (like I did/doing) you run the risk of bringing old baggage along and yes, falling for a jerk because you're trying to fill the void of loneliness.

Waiting to date is probably not such a bad idea. Focusing on your healing and pampering yourself instead of pleasing someone else. I need my own advice!!!!! LOL


Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self Care is key. I think your less likely to settle when you don't feel the longing for anything.

That being said nothing is 100%. Go slow and the right person will match you.

Have confidence to know better is out there. Also know the best person is you.

Good luck!


Posts: 979 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be able to alleviate one of your fears if you check into the SS rules. You can collect on your X's SS after D if certain conditions are met. Go to the gov't website and check it out.

The most important thing I've found about your NB is make it your own. Don't start out by looking for another partner. Do things that you want to do; I'm sure there are things that you haven't done while you were M but couldn't do because your spouse refused or wasn't interested.

You may or may not wind up with another SO, but I promise you that you will certainly be happier if you take care of yourself, and that will make you attractive to all kinds of new friends.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a question: Did you see red flags with STBXH when you guys were dating but ignored them? Give him the benefit of the doubt?

Honestly, there were only two things and they were so minor. He had a problem with selfishness, but he really worked hard to counter it. I though, hmmmm, I have a problem with being physically violent. I always will, I was tortured, and emotionally and verbally abused as a kid. Physical violence is my wanna go to. I work with it. I go spar in the gym and beat up a willing victim or I go workout and beat up the weights. I had learned a healthier way of coping. I learned that anger is ok, so long as I acted upon it appropriately.
He learned that to be selfish was ok, so long as he didn't act selfish and made better choices.
It wasn't until we had been together a couple of years. He went through a family tragedy, depression, long bout of heavy drinking. When he csme through the other end, he was bitter, angry, and took it out on me in many passive aggressive and selfish ways. So, those two things really weren't very big flags. I had to rack my brains really hard in counseling to even locate those memories because they were so low on the richter scale of red flags. Other than that, he was a fantastic H the first 2+ years of our marriage.
But after his 2 other years of depression and tragedy, yeah, lots of red flags after that. He gave up on God, our M, himself.
Waiting to date is probably not such a bad idea. Focusing on your healing and pampering yourself instead of pleasing someone else. I need my own advice!!!!! LOL

Amen, Sister! I plan on waiting a long time. Or at least until I've thoroughly learned to put myself first forevermore!
Fireproof and Sad, I concur with EVERYTHING you have said, and I'm working on it all! Best of all, I'm doing it for myself.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2238 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 5

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