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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Another scale from 0-10...
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm shocked at how many of us thought there was a 0% chance of our SO cheating. So how likely do you think it is they will cheat again?

Before dday I would have said 0
After dday I would have said 10
Now a year and a bit later I'd say 5...I honestly could see it going either way at this point...I'm right in the middle. Although I'm 99% sure he isn't cheating right now just that it's possible he might in the future.

I'm hoping to get that number a little lower with time but I will never again be so niave as to assume there is no chance of him cheating.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 241 | Registered: Oct 2012
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, November 18th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. I would have said zero percent chance before DDay too, but now?
I too would say currently it's a 99.5 percent chance he isn't cheating. If WH doesn't get in gear soon and start doing the work to heal and recover then I think there is a higher chance he would. Sadly he hasn't done much work to fix himself.
I think if he would move forward with his life and fully engage in our marriage then the chance of cheating again is much smaller.
I do believe if I decide to end our marriage he would probably most likely use prostitutes and porn again. He says he knows that those choices are extremely harmful to him (and so many others), but until I see some serious work I don't have much confidence that he won't.
It's an interesting thought to contemplate isn't it.


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would give it a 3.

I think RIGHT NOW it would be a 0.5, but I know how selfish he is and he will likely revert to that at some point in the future.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think because our worlds have been shattered, part of the loss is the loss of believing they won't do it. Now we know they can do it.

Maybe that's better now in terms of self-protection, but I guess it helps to not take anything for granted.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 438 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sammy2013
♀ Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before DDay, I would have given him a 3. He's a narcissist and had me, and everyone around him, convinced he's just a flirt. Right now, a month from DDay, and I say he's at an 8 for slipping back. I'm 99.5% sure he isn't right now, he strongly motivated not to divorce. But fixing narcissism isn't easy. He has a long road ahead of him. Unfortunately, any slip up into old behavior will get him papers. No second chances from me on this. I refuse to be in this position again.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
WeHadItAll
♀ New Member
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right with you, Angel177 - last year I would have said 0, and today I'd also say 5. Trust has been building, but only to this point of being 50-50.

You know, he didn't think that he would cheat when he started the long-distance EA that became a PA a year later. Interestingly, his therapist thinks that this is part of the reason why the A eventually did happen: he didn't see the risk. He didn't think he would actually do it.

I guess part of the lesson we're supposed to learn is that we are flawed. No one is perfect, no matter how much you want to believe it.


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH and I have talked about this. Before dday, I thought it was zero for SURE. For the future, maybe 1. Right now, zero. Interestingly FWH puts it at 1-2 before dday, zero now and for ever. He claims he is 100% certain he will not do this again. After doing it, I just can't see how he can be so certain. He claims he felt so bad immediately after his ONS that it has been like putting his arm in a meat grinder. I wish I could share his surety.

Edit: After thoughtful consideration and due credit to FWH, I changed my future prediction to a 1....never can be CERTAIN it won't happen again.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 1:43 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2013
Childoftheking
♀ New Member
Member # 41234
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was a zero before...call me stupid, but I think he is less likely to cheat now than he was before. I think one of the things that puts people in a vulnerable position to cheat is thinking that they aren't capable of cheating. Now he knows what it feels like to have his whole world crumbling around him. Now he knows what it feels like to inflict the worst pain on the person he loves the most in this life.

I don't want to live my life with the fear that he will do it again. If he's selfish enough to do it again, then I don't want to be with him anymore.


ME: 30, WH: 30, Married: 12 years, 4 amazing kids
DD: Oct 2, 2013- 2 month EA/PA while deployed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
Angel177
♀ Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting....wh also claims there is now a 0% chance of him cheating again. Says he has learned he needs stronger boundaries and I have seen him improve his boundaries a lot. He says he didn't see a problem with his flirting with other women because it was just words...now he sees where it leads and he won't ever let that happen again.

Sounds nice but right now words from him don't mean much. I guess it's a good thing they have so much faith in themselves.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 241 | Registered: Oct 2012
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would also say 0 now and would say 2 in the future. My H is supremely confident that he will not cheat again. He is finally self aware (for the first time in his life) and understands boundaries and also how very much he does not want to lose me. Like many WSs, he really did not stop to consider that he would lose me during his A (I know, right?). Never thought for a second that the A, or the OW, were remotely worth destroying his M or family.

I have set very firm boundaries, and he knows that there are no more chances. I have told him since I always eventually find out anyway, if he decides to go down that road just consider the marriage over and divorce me first. Or even better, if he recognizes the start of the slippery slope talk to me first. I have given him my blessing to talk about whatever feelings he may be having before he acts on them.

In my H's case, the A left a very bad taste in his mouth even prior to Dday, so that is further discouragement!



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Peaches2013
♀ Member
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my husband stays sober, I'd put his chances of cheating again at 0. He learned a lot from his last relapse and his infidelity about himself, his relationships with others, and how horrible his boundaries with other people were.

If he starts drinking again, he'd earn a 5 from me. His idea of what is and is not appropriate has always taken a dive when he's been drinking, but in the past 5 years those boundaries blurred drastically.


Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before: A 5-6

Now? I would say 0.

In the future? I would say 1.

He has worked very hard to become a safe person for me..and himself. He is absolutely remorseful. Completely transparent. I only give him a 1 because I will never fully trust him again. Sad..but it is what it is.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7369 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
chipmunk41
♀ New Member
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is 0 chance of him cheating again.

I think after he saw how much he hurt me and how
stupid he was for doing something like this it
really slapped him hard. He knows that this is the
last and only chance he will get.


wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 45 | Registered: Sep 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got hit with false R, so I'll NEVER say 0 chance he'd cheat again. It's been almost 8 months and I wonder daily if he's cheating on me, even though I have no evidence to believe he is. Prior to d-day, 0 for sure. Now every day is somewhere between a 3 and 9 depending on the day. I do think his biggest risk is an EA. He has a lot to work on in IC to get himself out of the high risk zone for EA's.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
frigidfire86
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say there's a 70% chance my H will cheat again. I doubt he'll go looking for it, but if the opportunity is dumped in his lap...well, I don't have much hope he'd refuse.


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 625 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

% he may cheat again? probably 0.5%.

More importantly would it destroy me again? What's that %? 0. I would be just fine.

While you are going through this dont forget to focus on you, and your healing. Knowing that you will be just fine with or without your spouse.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8401 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
struggling16
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know he would say 0. He's also delusional about his current wonderfulness.

I say 0 at the present time. Realistically, though, if we were having marital difficulties and I were to go out of town, I think there's a 50/50 chance he would if he thought he could get away with it. I say this because he truly hasn't done the in-depth work on himself that true R requires.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2011
LearnToLoveAgain
♀ New Member
Member # 40950
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would honestly say 0.

But he's showing remorse and is completely committed to R. For me though it's also 0 because he couldn't go through with the sex. I also thought 0 before hand.


Me-BS
Him-fWS
DDay 8/03/13 husband told me not even 24 hours after it happened.

Almost ONS actual sex never took place
Currently in R and doing great.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With a nod to tushnurse:

Even though I now have the M of my dreams and a H I never believed possible, I am also very at peace with walking away and being alone if it happens again. I will know that I have given it my all, he has his eyes wide open and we had the chance given to us to be great.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent tushnurse and catlover 50


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 20

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