Broevil's post to Alyssa just reminded me of something that was running through my head yesterday, probably because of the thread on indifference, and I didn't want to t/j on Alyssa's thread.
After my EA ended I didn't get to indifference for awhile. Months and months. I wasn't angry, I wasn't disgusted by OM, I was just intensely sad. There was no d-day, LD didn't know anything, OM and I just decided to end it. I hadn't found SI yet.
For months and months I couldn't get to indifference. I tried. I started IC and white knuckled it. And then after 8 months I broke NC by calling him. We talked for awhile, in my head we were friends now (I had been drinking and I was an emotional, blubbering idiot when I called---so embarrassing, so cliche).
I remember those days and the feelings of desperation. My head was so fucked up. I remember thinking this sadness was not going to end. What was my life? Why can't I find my happy?
Anyway, after that I continued down my path of destruction (not with him, after that call and an embarrassing email I vowed never to contact him again). D-day(s) happened, our world was crumbling.
The reason why I am saying all this is because at that time I never thought I'd get to a place of indifference. And like Broevil said, I just did. It happened.
In my prayers last night I felt an intense feeling of gratitude. I remember praying back then and asking for peace, for guidance, for anything to get me out of that dark place. I didn't think I deserved it but I desperately wanted it. I didn't know how to get there so I asked for help. I remember thinking about driving my car into a wall to get out of the mess I had created in my life.
Last night my mind went back there, I was remembering that feeling. It felt suffocating and so sad.
You do get there. The process happens, in you and around you and you can get there. I didn't believe it at the time but thank God it's true.Take up your space (and do it well).
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."