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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How complete is healing?
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Question  Posted: 7:28 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't quite know how to word this... I think what I am really asking is: Is it possible to FULLY recover from infidelity in 2 to 5 years, or is there likely to be lasting damage that never goes away? After 2 - 5 years how likely is it that a BS will be 100% again, or will they always "walk with a limp"?

I think the A damages all of us to varying degrees, and we battle with various issues: low self-esteem, issues with sex, lack of trust, PTSD, physical tics...etc Are some of these issues going to be with us for life? Or is it possible to fully heal?

I understand that healing is dependent on how much work we do. Is it realistic to expect that if I work REALLY hard on myself that I can FULLY recover from this in time, or will I always have weak points, no matter how hard I try to overcome them?

I understand that there is no definite answer to this, but I would love to hear from those who are past the 2 year mark, to hear how complete their healing has been.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great question and also wondering


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4786 | Registered: Dec 2010
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think how you view "healed" is paramount. If you expect to (one day) to be free of any after effects of the trauma of infidelity, you're setting yourself up for failure. BUT....(and this is the self healing part), those after effects don't have to be crippling, and in fact (in my experience) can be positive.

I'm more compassionate... More self aware... More aware in general... More realistic... More focused on what's really important to me. In the same breath though, I'm more cynical (if that was ever possible ), more guarded with people in general, and don't trust blindly.

Do those latter things make me not "healed"? I dont' think so, in fact, I think the opposite .

I consider myself healed, yet I still am healing. Crazy isn't it? What I mean is that once we got to a good, consistently healthy place, both indiviidually and as a couple, we still have to maintain it. Which is work. Different that the initial healing or in the later years, but still work.

The scar analogy to me is perfect. Once the wound has healed, the scar is still there, but normally doesn't hurt if it's been properly cared for throughout healing. It's a reminder, and can itch or twinge at times, but it's not the focus of your life. I can remember without reliving the pain, and at the same time, can look at it and see the hard work I/We have done to get to where we are and see the beauty in it.

[This message edited by unfound at 7:53 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14838 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this itsaclimb....I wonder this too....the pain is so unlike anything I ever felt or even imagined feeling.


Thanks for your response unfound....I am starting to grasp that which you speak of....that healed is not an endpoint, not a snap shot in time...rather it is an ongoing process. I think it may be like my journey towards true mature intimacy....not a finish line to cross, but a continues for a lifetime with dedication and intentionality.

Dedication and intentionality....something that was lacking in my marriage pre-A. I thought we were at least dedicated....but I see how I took my dedication away from my marriage and put it elsewhere...thinking my M will ALWAYS be there and I can tend to it later. "ALWAYS" is a flag-word for me now....whenever I use it or hear it used I immediately check up and see what is going on...really going on.

Intentional living.....I am a planner by nature...but that did not guarantee my actions were intentional when it came to my relationship with my wife. My intentions were directed towards my priority list....top priority got the most intentional attention....and it went down from there. Unfortunately, my priority list was not right. I am working on firming up my prioirty list every day....God, wife, daughters, everything else. That "everything else" category was getting way too much of my attention. FOO issues were in play as was my own selfish nature.

Much of this is new-to-me...so it feels uncomfortagble. But, strangely, it is more....fulfilling?

Good post....will follow with interest.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:10 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Childoftheking
♀ New Member
Member # 41234
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's ever possible to go back to the kind of relationship you had before the affair. I will never be able to look at my husband and think "he kept his vows to me" BUT I think it IS possible to get to a place when the affair is remembered as a bad time in our marriage that made us stronger, more in love, and more appreciative of each other.


ME: 30, WH: 30, Married: 12 years, 4 amazing kids
DD: Oct 2, 2013- 2 month EA/PA while deployed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm well past 2 years and doing well.

For me, the change in "healing" came when I realized that happiness and suffering were just an attitude. That I was 100% responsible for my "feelings". If I was suffering emotionally, it wasn't my wife's fault, it wasn't the OM's fault, and it wasn't because of the affair. All of my suffering was based on my own fears. By putting the blame firmly on myself, I knew I had the power and wisdom to deal with it. I would not have to rely on anyone else for my happiness, and conversely, I could stop worrying that someone else could take away that happiness.

I have learned to face my fears head on and now I am learning to embrace them. To accept change as inevitable and be comfortable with that. To realize I cannot control the future and that the past no longer exists. That relying on hope to change the future is a trap that keeps you stuck in the past. The secret to happiness is just having a calm and content mind.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:49 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Aug 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are over 6 years out.

I am, he is and our marriage is 100% better than it has ever been.

It's hard to put into words without sounding like a preachy-obnoxious R'er lol.

BUT...it's a never ending road, the healing. We have passed through the R healing. It doesn't affect us or our M anymore. However the way we conduct our marriage now is in part a result of healing from the A.

You cannot rip a chapter out of a book and expect to get the same story. KWIM?

We traveled this road because we both wanted to. We were both able to reach inside and heal ourselves and our marriage.

The A doesn't bother me, the OW isn't in my mind. I have trouble recalling six years back and have to think to remember things. I forgot my dday this year...the list is endless.

So healing can be complete, but can never take away why you needed to heal in the first place. But the why no longer matters, the end result is what's important.

I don't limp anymore


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 months out here, so take this with as much salt as necessary. To me, these emotional wounds' healing feels a lot like a severe physical wound. I've been cut, stabbed, torn muscles, and so on, and the healing process from my wife's affair feels, at least mentally, a lot like healing from those.

There's still pain, but the sharp immediacy of it has dulled to an ache most of the time. There's "itching" at the edges, but that panicky feeling I had for the first month is mostly gone.

I know my life has changed, and changed in a way I neither wanted nor volunteered for, but it's still my own life. Some things may be harder, but I know that my limits are further out than I thought before this whole mess took place. There will be scars, but I've already got scars. There will be aches in odd places when I'm old and grey, but I'm going to live to be old and grey. And in the meantime I'll change, I'll adapt and even, once the healing's a little further on, I'll thrive.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry It'saClimb

I should have also said that I think the healing from something can be "complete" but there is always a need for continued growth, healing and learning through life....

I also believe things can be revisited during different points in your life. While healing other parts sometimes it will conjur up old feelings that went unresolved.

JMO


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LearnToLoveAgain
♀ New Member
Member # 40950
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only about 4 months out I just wanna say this post has helped me. I love reading all the positive stories! We are in R and working towards a better marriage.


Me-BS
Him-fWS
DDay 8/03/13 husband told me not even 24 hours after it happened.

Almost ONS actual sex never took place
Currently in R and doing great.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
lostworld
♀ Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if it's a limp, a scar, or something else. It is definitely something that happened and is now part of the fabric of my life. And it is thus far, without a doubt, the most painful wound of my life, but it is not the only occurrence in my life that has left some kind of mark. Both wonderful and awful events have left evidence on me of their passing, and they all combine to be the story of my life, of me. I think for me that all experience leave traces, but some of those tracks are deeper than others. I don't often "limp" in pain anymore about my H's A, but my gait certainly shows all the impacts of my life; and I suppose my walk will continue to change as life moves forward.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 811 | Registered: Apr 2008
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm more compassionate... More self aware... More aware in general... More realistic... More focused on what's really important to me. In the same breath though, I'm more cynical (if that was ever possible ), more guarded with people in general, and don't trust blindly.

ALL...ALL..ALL of this. For the most part, it's made me a better person. Once time starts to take care of the horrible hurting many good changes have come to me and our relationship.

BUT...it's a never ending road, the healing. We have passed through the R healing. It doesn't affect us or our M anymore. However the way we conduct our marriage now is in part a result of healing from the A.

Getting so much nearer to being able to say I have passed through. Only time will tell how well my H does in the way he conducts himself in our marriage...we've done enough talking about it!! I'm putting more trust in that every day, week, month :))


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree with unfound's post especially the following part:

What I mean is that once we got to a good, consistently healthy place, both individually and as a couple, we still have to maintain it. Which is work. Different that the initial healing or in the later years, but still work.

Last year I went through some pretty hard stuff and without knowing what I was doing, I decided to go back to the affair, a place that's very familiar, instead of dealing with the present. I'm 8 years out by the way.

So, work, both on one's self and the marriage, definitely needs to continue happening in addition to any work needed to resolve the affair. Moreso in the later years IMO.


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses. I guess a lot of it boils down to attitude really, doesn't it?


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
hdhs3
New Member
Member # 40773
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tx for your post, I was really inspired by some of the responses.

Q - how do I send a private message??


Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Q - how do I send a private message??

At the top of a post by the person you want to send the private message to, on the right hand side there is are a couple of icons, if you click on the one that has the two smiley faces touching, it will take you to the private message page.

Hope this helps


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 948 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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