But when you and your WS decide to do it, really commit it's a life changing road.
Going through the grieving process, the anger, sadness and other negative feelings that wash over us is difficult. It is easy to get stuck in the bad stuff.
While it is important to give all the feelings their time it is equally as important to be done with them. I found it easy to get stuck in sadness or being angry at different times when really their purpose was done and I was just allowing myself to be held back from healing by holding onto these crutches longer than I should have.
My IC fought long and hard with me on letting the sadness go.
Hanging onto the negative feelings, living in the misery doesn't help R and it doesn't help your personal healing and growth. Once it has been worked through and dealt with you have to put it in it's spot.
If you are truly in R, with a spouse that is doing the work, making the changes and doing what they can to fix things why hold on to the bad? A BS has work to do too. They have to find their truth, heal their FOO issues and look deep for their demons.
There is a point in R when it no longer is about what your WS did to you. It becomes about what the two of you can do together. But you have to be willing to take that step and enter into it.
If you don't, you have to ask yourself ...
What am I getting from the negative feelings?
What am I choosing not to go forward?
There is a time, and when it comes, letting go of the fear, anger and sadness will free you for the next good thing to come.
So come on...leave the bad stuff at the door and enjoy the good, run with it.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:34 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
For me, healing myself - as opposed to our M - is the process of letting the anger, grief, and fear go. Doing so, for me, started on D-Day, and it's ongoing still.
At just over a year out, I thought I was holding on too long. I was wrong - that decision was followed by a downward spiral. Now almost 3 years out, I think I may be there again, but I'm not at all sure. I'm back to playing by the seat of my pants ... which I guess is the normal guidance method for R, come to think of it.
I agree with you, karma, but I see danger here, especially if an unremorseful WS picks it up. If you try to suppress real feelings, you'll hurt yourself, and this is a very real possibility, because healing seems to take a lot longer than anybody wants it to take....
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:40 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
There is a huge danger in rug sweeping, stuffing your feelings and pretending everything is wonderful.
I think there are some people that live in unhappiness and choose that as a way of life.
I see people using an A as a way to punish a long time remorseful spouse that has jumped through hoops to get R right.
I know, for me, I had to let happiness back in. I knew my H got it, I knew he was working hard and I still would let the negative outweigh the positive.
We are 6 years out, this didnt come in a year, hell not even 2-3.
It was a long time of work and healing and thoughtful decision making on a road that could be bumpy and full of potholes...
So I do not mean to anyone that they should be happy just because they want to R...it isn't a solution, it's an end result.
I am sorry for any confusion...I would NEVER suggest someone not feel their truth.
ETA: And thanks Sisoon...you always make me go hmmmmm
[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:42 AM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
My IC calls it a corpse buried in the back yard. Look, we buried it together. It's there. We see the lump. But when you dig it up and drag it back into the house, the only thing it does is stink up the place. So stop digging it up.
I'm also 6 years out and have to occasionally tell myself "stop digging!"
But again, this is long-term healing and can only be successfully accomplished after that corpse is properly treated, embalmed and mourned.
he is here, he says that's done...are you ready to move forward and rebuild your marriage?
so so hard to do when there have been lies...
Sure we can let go of the bad, but I can only do that if I feel safe enough in this marriage. The "bad" is a natural thing to hang onto when you've been hurt and can no longer trust. It's our warning system. You question everything.
Kudos to those who can let go. It will be years before I'm there.
he says that's done
he also said he wasn't having an affair. His word is shit.
sorry, drowning, I'm projecting my own experience. If you've had a remorseful spouse it will be easier for you. Good luck!!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
I have been working on letting go of the bad. That is my nature and perhaps a bit easier for me. I haven't triggered in a long time and haven't brought up the A either. However, I do find that it comes to mind every day. It usually doesn't cause me pain and then only a small twinge. I also find that I no longer feel the need to present it to my H; he is being everything I could have ever asked for and then some.
I was wondering just yesterday how long this dialogue would be running through my head; apparently for awhile! I chase it away successfully most times, follow it for a few minutes at other times. Sometimes, like yesterday, I get out my go-to email from my H about his whys/etc and reread it. Although I do think that I understand much of how he got there, sometimes it still nags at me.
Somewhat oddly, as my H cements his almost complete turnaround to becoming the perfect H I think "how could he?". I have to remind myself that this was not who he was then, this was not who we were. I truly don't think this version (H 2.0) would make the same disastrous choices.
We are both committed to continuing to put our M in the center of our lives and nurture it every day. And hopefully, in 5 more years, we can say what you are saying!
Unfortunately I keep having setbacks (pics on the computer he forgot about that I accidentally came across, etc.).
I'm still working on Mental Movies, self esteem issues, etc. I can't wait to be out of this stage. It's exhausting.
Rebreather - love the corpse analogy!
I read a post not too long ago that said, "you have to keep telling the story over and over and over again until you are done with it." Okay. But...I do believe we can get "attached" to our story and that is NOT healthy. And how can you be done with it if you have engrained it like a tat in your brain? Sure, it is healthy to go through the stages. Do not rush through them. But when we keep revisiting.....well, like you said, "what are we getting from that?"
Case in point...my MIL who essentially fell in love with her story and for the next 15+ years told it to anyone who would listen (and there were few listeners by then!). Time and again. It crippled her future with other men who could have been great partners. But most importantly, by repeating this story, coupled with the regular day to day crap that happens long after the A has ended, she made herself a victim and eventually could only see herself in this light. What did she get from it? For a while, attention, pity (which I guess some people feel comfortable getting) and a sense of justice.
t/j; Sammy2012, you are fresh out of the gates. People need to not have ANY expectations of where you "should" be at this point in time. Look... I am approaching my first year and have the model WS. It's still tough. Still painful. Take the good days when they come but this is a process. Tell them....."this is a marathon, not a sprint people!" Or just tell them to read SI!
Thanks again KH!
[This message edited by LA44 at 1:12 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
We are YEARS out, I do not think anyone newly hurt, TT'd, recent ddays should be slapping happy on as a band aid.
I wrote this thread because a friend of mine lives in sadness. She takes what has hurt her in the past and allows it to be her now. She goes back years on hurts from her H, throws things up when she is angry and will let something fester forever...
When you have gone through R, have logged hours with the therapist, dumped the skeletons out of the closet and examined them, disected each others brains AND have a spouse doing the same, for a long, long time then it's time to set it aside.
It's time to enjoy the relationship you have built and worked so hard to get to.
My MC says "he is here, he says that's done...are you ready to move forward and rebuild your marriage
seems like your MC is pushing you "to get over it" big difference from what I mean here.
You don't just get over it, you have to work through it.
I find my FWS lives a lot in who has wronged him in the past etc. etc. One of these days I am really gonna unload on him!
My father in law still talks about being screwed out of an inheritance from 30 years ago...
Thanks for everyone posting their insights and experiences to this thread!