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I thought I was past them. But I'm curled up in a ball, shaking uncontrollably. Several times a week.

Nightmares frequent my sleep. I saw my husband be murdered via actions from my father and brother. I saw death in my husband's eyes. I saw the blood in his hair, the exit wound in his jaw. I've watched my neighborhood massacred. I stood toe to toe with the assailants. I saw the evil in their eyes. They talked to me. They talked to my children. I'm scared to sleep anymore.

FOO issues continue to rock my world. An issue popped up over the weekend. Handled it. I received a passive-aggressive text today. Handled it. My sister was attacked today. She handled it.

It just seems to get worse.

I'm regressing in my healing. Self-esteem issues and body issues are creeping in again. As I gain my independence and do "what I want", I know it goes against the grain. And when I walk out of the house, I panic. What if someone (mainly family) sees me?

Example - Bought a pair of boots. 1 1/2 inch heel. Wore them to service Sunday. Sat in the pew, promptly had a panic attack because I knew Mother was judging my "hooker boots". I have certain physical attributes that are accentuated by heels. I don't need to wear heels. It makes me more provocative. Shame on me. These things have been drilled into me. And it's such a battle to push them out of my head.

QS approved everything I wore. Logically, I know there isn't anything wrong with it. But the oppression from FOO clouds my vision.

I hate feeling weak. Hate it. I hate the doubt, the fear, the anger, the second-guessing, the worrying. There's so. much. crap to process.

Do I need to make a chart? Do I need to visually see everything I'm "supposed" to be able to do independently? Do I need to be able to read on a daily basis everything that I am "allowed" to do? You know, all the silly little things like have a life. Maybe that's what I'll do. Make a chart.

Sorry no words except hugs. Kinda in the same place and spinning.

Just try to remember it you and your husband that matter and what others even our moms think and say, are not important. I know its easier said then done. I hear it in my head too all the time.

Just remember how far you have come. You are an extremely strong woman be proud of who you are and what you have learnt and survived.

((Aubrie))

I'm sorry you're struggling. You are strong and I know you've already overcome a lot WRT your FOO.

(((Aubrie)))

I am very familiar with anxiety attack. I have taken anxiety meds short term and I LOVE them. Sadly, they are habit forming and not good for long term use so I don't allow myself to get them any more (Just say no).

My IC says I need a plan for anxiety attacks and I should put the plan into action before I let an attack become full blown. There are several tools in my plan I can choose from. They are basically mindfulness activities. I have an app that really helps. Here are some of the things I do: count my breaths for 5 slow breaths, pay attention to anywhere my body is in contact with anything, pay attention to the feelings inside my feet, pay attention to the sounds in my environment. My IC also gave me a phrase I tell myself that helps, "I am safe here now."

The app is mindfully me. It has some guided meditations you can use as well.

The nightmares...I know they can come with the anxiety but also think about if you have had any medication changes lately. Some meds that you wouldn't imagine could bring on nightmares do.

Positive self talk! I don't know anyone who shouldn't wear heels (well maybe Moo?). I bet you were ROCKIN those hooker boots!!!

If your mom is judging you for your footwear know that it is HER problem, not yours.

I hear you saying you know this but you need to keep telling it to yourself.

If you make that chart give yourself stars for wearing what makes you feel good, speaking your truth, and making decisions based on what's good for you, QS, and your kiddos.

Your making progress still Aubrie, just change is hard.

I'm so sorry, Aubrie. Don't be long-term discouraged by this. We go through strong periods and weak ones. You can pull out of this.

I'm another proponent of anti-anxiety medication. I hardly even use it anymore - just knowing I have it is enough to calm me sometimes.

Remember that we just lost a lot of daylight, and the holidays can add just as much stress as joy, if not more. We're in a season where we are pressured to be a giddy family, going on trips and singing songs and sipping cocoa by the fire with matching sweaters. When we take a realistic look at where we are and it doesn't match up, we feel like we're failing.

You're not failing. There's just a lot of stress right now and the mind and body react to it. Take baby steps out of this, and I promise you will be ok. When I get in a hyper-anxious state, I practice living in the moment. If the past or the future come creeping up I tell them to shush.

Just get through dinner tonight, and hug your kids and QS at bedtime. Don't think about the phone, or tomorrow. Just breathe.

Sending big hugs.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:31 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Does it have anything to do with this time of the year?

Do not let yourself regress - Do not listen to that inner negative voice in your head!!

It does not matter what your mother thinks of your boots - wear them with pride! Hold up your head and know that QS approves - That is ALL that matters!! (I have to remind myself about this quite often also)

And about the nightmares - Dreams are provoked by something in our lives. It is easy to see that yours are brought on by FOO issues that you are still working through. Don't second guess yourself because that is what gives that negative voice strength.

Stay strong - Everyone on SI knows you have amazing strength; use it for yourself!!

Aubrie you are dealing with so much, life happens and your reactions mentally and physically are matching what's going on. You have to think positive please don't regress, you're doing beautifully. Take some time and take care of yourself.

I have taken anxiety meds short term and I LOVE them.

I have highly addictive blood on both sides of my family. I really don't take any meds of any kind if I can absolutely help it. Just too easy to get addicted. I had a serious problem taking an antibiotic a couple weeks ago for strep. Maybe I'm being stubborn about the medication. Just trying to white knuckle my way thru these spells.

I "know" what to do for anxiety attacks but when they happen, all rational thought goes out the window. Maybe I should make a chart for that too. Tape it in my closet or something. I'll also check into that app. Thanks for that tip.

I bet you were ROCKIN those hooker boots!!!

Little bit of a funny story. Yesterday I went to visit my sister. We decided we were insane enough to take our kids to the toy store and let them wander for as long as they want. I was wearing my "hooker boots" again. Well my nephew is only 2 and ironically, when he says "look", it comes out "hook". So I was literally "hooking" in the toy store with my nephew for 2 hours. My sister and I laughed like idiots the whole time.

Remember that we just lost a lot of daylight, and the holidays can add just as much stress as joy, if not more. We're in a season where we are pressured to be a giddy family, going on trips and singing songs and sipping cocoa by the fire with matching sweaters. When we take a realistic look at where we are and it doesn't match up, we feel like we're failing.

You're right. Christmas is my favorite time of year. Love everything about it. And it looks like Thanksgiving is already a bust. I'm dreading Christmas. I don't even want to be in town. QS and I are looking at options. We know this year is going to be vastly different from prior years. I'm doing my best to take it all in stride and deal with it. One day at a time.

Does it have anything to do with this time of the year?

Oddly enough, no. Dday anti passed with no bite whatsoever. QS has been doing beautifully. I've been ok. I think the upcoming holidays has me stressed a bit, but as far as QS and I, no.

And about the nightmares - Dreams are provoked by something in our lives. It is easy to see that yours are brought on by FOO issues that you are still working through.

I gave all the gory details to a dear friend and their interpretation was creepy accurate. It made alot of sense. I can understand the possible meaning. The imagery is just horrific. It's hard to keep the perspective that it's just a dream.

Interesting twist to this whole saga. In the midst of an attack yesterday morning while on the phone with my sister, my story came tumbling out. She knows I cheated on QS. And there was zero negativity. Actually, she did the same thing when she was first married. We had dinner with her and BIL last night. Epic night. Close, intimate, healing conversations. No judgement. No anger. Not at me at least. Anger at Mother is another story. The fact she knew about my As, the fact she knew I was trying to heal my relationship with QS, and she is still throwing me under the bus. But that's a whole 'nother story.

Oh. I'm seriously going to make a chart. As childish as it may seem.

Aubrie, I wish I had words of encouragement for you. I also have been struggling with anxiety. Try to stay positive and think only good thoughts when you start to feel the anxiety start.

(((Aubrie)))

I have a terrible problem with anxiety too, & this helps me a lot---maybe it will help you:

Close your eyes.

Aubrie, you are a Mom yourself

(& I know you are a great one). Visualize the “Mom” that you are comforting the child Aubrie ( that is also inside of you), the same way you would nurture & protect one of your own children. Hold & rock baby Aubrie(in your mind) & tell her “Every thing is going to be ok.”

Be a Mom to yourself.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:26 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Goodness gracious. Many hugs to you.

(((((((((((((((((Aubrie))))))))))))))))))))

Re: dreams- I think dreams tell us something. Usually, when I try to analyze dreams, I do so under the assumption that I am working through some emotion subconsciously which is manifested in my dream. With that said, your FOO is your foundation. It shaped you into the (awesome!) person you are and your thought processes pass through that filter.

Now that there is a rift, that foundation has been shaken. You probably feel very out of control and helpless, which is most likely mirrored in your subconscious through the dreams. I'd even venture to say that this rift has been destructive, hence all the destruction/blood/violence imagery from your dreams. As difficult as it is sometimes, keep telling yourself that it's not real. Remind yourself WHY the rift exists in the first place and it's not your fault. You're simply insisting on boundaries that your FOO keeps overstepping.

Re: anxiety attacks:

Close your eyes.

Aubrie, you are a Mom yourself

(& I know you are a great one). Visualize the “Mom” that you are comforting the child Aubrie ( that is also inside of you), the same way you would nurture & protect one of your own children. Hold & rock baby Aubrie(in your mind) & tell her “Every thing is going to be ok.”

Be a Mom to yourself.

My IC says something very similar to this. She tells me to understand that there is a child inside that is seeking certain things from me. She says sometimes she herself will feel out of sorts and once she recognizes what she needs, she gives that to herself. A lot of times she needs a hug, so she kinda hugs herself. I know it sounds a little kooky but maybe tiny Aubrie inside needs some parenting. Be her parent.

I suffered from panic attacks a LOT after my DS was born. It landed me in the ER the first time because I didn't know what was going on. It's so debilitating at times because they can be very unpredictable and occur randomly, even when you don't FEEL anxious/worried/etc. I recognized that initial feeling before it escalated into a full blown attack. When I felt that feeling, I learned to stop whatever I was doing and close my eyes. Take many many deep breaths. And pray, even if it was incoherent or rambly. Somehow that got me through, and I don't struggle a lot with panic attacks much anymore.

Re: hooker boots- ROCK ON girl!!!

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:39 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

You guys are killing me.

Be a Mom to yourself.

When I think about that, why is the first thought that comes to mind, "Grow up already. Stop being a baby. Suck it up. Act like an adult."?

No, I do not talk to my own children like that!

As suggested by Knightsbff, I downloaded some affirmation/mindful apps and wallpapers. Oddly enough, the first affirmation on the widget today:

I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires.

Oh the irony.

I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires.

[This message edited by SandAway at 3:06 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

You know? When Mommy dearest gets all uppity, remind her of your wedding vows. I believe there's a line about forsaking all others. Didn't see the line about *except Mom and Dad and siblings*.

You and QS. That's your family now. Forsake the rest.

5454real, Word.

Sadly I don't think I'll have to worry about it. We were told yesterday that she has done all she can to keep the door of friendship open but we have made it clear we have no interest, and she just can't do it anymore.

Interpretation: You aren't groveling back into my good graces, babying me and my whiny-butt attitude, so I'm going to send this message in an effort to make you feel guilty, and if it doesn't work, then I'll continue to pout and may actually eventually write you off, all the while letting you know of our displeasure in your choices.

M'k. Have a nice life.

Do I really think it's going to end this easily? Crap, no.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 3:32 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

When I think about that, why is the first thought that comes to mind, "Grow up already. Stop being a baby. Suck it up. Act like an adult."?

No, I do not talk to my own children like that!

Gently: why would you not extend to yourself the same grace you extend to your children?

Are you not worthy of kindness and compassion?

(((Aubrie)))

(((Aubrie)))

I hate feeling weak. Hate it. I hate the doubt, the fear, the anger, the second-guessing, the worrying. There's so. much. crap to process.

^^^^^^this really resonates with me today. thank you for putting it into words for me.

I hate feeling weak. Hate it. I hate the doubt, the fear, the anger, the second-guessing, the worrying. There's so. much. crap to process.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

I always get so much out of your posts. I think you just simply rock.

I am also dealing with some FOO issues and not only that but I'm an alcoholic and have been dealing with that also.

Recovery has definately not been easy and I will admit that being an alcoholic makes me feel weak.

I realize for me it is an ego thing. I was always strong and there for everyone and to find myself in this position just bothers me.

In someways when we start to heal we regress because we think we don't deserve to move forward. Or we think we don't deserve good things because of our past. Or we cling on to things because it is all we know.

The past is gone and even though I have a lot of regrets I can't change it. No matter how much I want to. I just have to work on me so that I don't repeat what I did in the past.

Aubrie,

Is it so important to have your mom in your life? What positive things does she contribute to your relationship with her and your children? Put a lot of thought into this and take your time.

Who gives a rats ass what you wore to church? You're there with the ones who really care about you. QS, the kids, the church community, the Lord, I mean, I really dont think any of them cared you wore boots with a heel. They all love you and were glad you were at service.

I know it's hard to push Mommy Dearest hard fed lines of shit out of your mind. You need to get past this problem or else it will never go away and just continue to rear its ugly head over and over until either she dies or you die. I'm serious. She won't change. You know that. So stop letting her inside your head and your heart. You know what you need to do, so do it.

Look, I cut my mom out over a year ago and it was one of the best decions I ever made. She was toxic and abusive and has this sense of entitlement that would rival the best of them. So, one day she went too far and that was it. My grandmother who passed away 3 days after my 23rd birthday in 2003 was far more of a mother than my own my could ever have been. My maternal mother was simply a womb and I sincerely mean that. I never properly grieved the loss of my grandmother and one day, BOOM the flood gates opened. I now know that not only was I grieving the loss of my grandmother, grieving that our son never got to meet her, grieving that our son won't have a bond with his grandmother like I had with mine and then I realized I was grieving the loss of my "mom". My granny was a mom to me so it was like loosing two people at once.

You know what? I made peace with it. I've always known I won't cry when my maternal mom passes away. Ive known it since I was 5. What's there to weep over? The loss of what? Thank you for giving me life (barely).

I dont know if you are willing to go the path I have, and that's okay. I just hope you can one day see how much time you spent inside your own head for so long and the rewards that was reaped. Zero. Just time wasted and a few new gray hairs along with a stomach ulcer, KWIM?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 1:36 AM, November 25th (Monday)]

I haven't been neglecting this thread. (Ok, secretly wishing it would go away and that you'd quit asking me hard questions.) It's just taking me a a crapton of time to process this. And quite frankly, it's an up/down/round and round thing. I don't have all the answers yet.

Gently: why would you not extend to yourself the same grace you extend to your children?

Are you not worthy of kindness and compassion?

Logically, the answer is "yes". But putting that into action is completely different. Not when the norm is to be yelled at, raked over the coals, shamed, guilt-tripped, and pushed away. I put my head down, deal with the heat, and plug along. Don't make any more waves than necessary.

In someways when we start to heal we regress because we think we don't deserve to move forward. Or we think we don't deserve good things because of our past. Or we cling on to things because it is all we know.

I think for me, I know I deserve to move forward. Everyone deserves another chance at life. It's just a battle. Of doing different, becoming better, and being judged harshly by those that are supposed to be closest to me. Learning not to care about the judgments. Learning to not let them sink into my heart and wound me.

I cannot even begin to tell you the judgments that have been going on. About everything. My sister and I will be talking and yet another thing comes out. Nothing is off limits. My finances, my relationship, my kids, my sex life, my clothes, my nose, my house. Nothing. It's a free-for-all.

I've been reading Toxic Parents. Sludging my way thru it. You know the parent that pushes their child to do better yet finds fault with every freaking thing they do? That's my Dad. He calls it "constructive criticism".

The past is gone and even though I have a lot of regrets I can't change it. No matter how much I want to. I just have to work on me so that I don't repeat what I did in the past.

Yes the past is the past. I think I'm still in the acceptance stage. Accepting that the perfect family I thought I had, that I bragged to everyone here about, is actually quite toxic and delusional. It's discovering and accepting that there are layers upon layers of lies, manipulation, bad behaviors, abuse, and nastiness.

QS and I have been talking thru this all and repressed memories keep coming up. Situations that happened. And I can see them for what they really were. About a year and a half ago I posted here about my ex. I had a really bad night of panic and flashbacks. (SLhim is one of the people that helped me thru that night. Forever grateful for that.) I relived our entire relationship that night but I saw all his behaviors and tactics for what they really were. The scales fell from my eyes. That's kinda what's happening now.

Disbelief, shock, hurt, anger, indifference, sadness, horror. All these feelings are flying around. It can change so quickly with a memory or comment. It's exhausting.

Is it so important to have your mom in your life?

She's been all I have for so long. I don't have much family. Both my parents have little to nothing to do with their own FOO. I don't know what it's like to have big holidays with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and strange Great-Aunt Lorraine. (No offense to any Lorraines out there) Growing up, my parents were all I had. One grandmother I saw on a semi-regular basis. She's gone now. Another great-grandmother I have few, but fond memories of. She's gone now too.

I've clung to what little family I have. My mother is a huge part of every memory I have, whether good or bad. I've been brought up to value family because we never had any and you never know how long you'll have the ones you have.

Is it so important to have a mother? Yes, I think so. My mother the way she is? Not so much. (God I'm going to hell for that statement)

What positive things does she contribute to your relationship with her and your children?

My DD is having such a hard time with this situation. She knows something is up, but she can't put her finger on it. I have been struggling with how to talk to her about it. She loves her grandma. She misses her. They were thick as thieves. Yes there were things that Mother would say that I thought were boundary crossing, but overall, they have a good relationship.

Now throw me in the mix, and not so much. Enter lack-of-parenting skills, poor-housekeeping, clothing choices. That's where it gets complicated. Grandma + me + DD = disaster.

DS drives her nuts. She loves him because she has to, but she doesn't like him. Dad barely tolerates him. He's never been keen on DS. Ever. And believe me when I say, I know exactly what I'm saying when I make that statement. I cannot tell you how many times I heard my Dad say, "I love you. I have to love you. You're my child. But I don't have to like you."

Awesomesauce. Thanks for those positive words of affirmation.

DS has some behavioral issues. The gospel according to my parents is to spank him till he gets a clue. Yeah, because beating a child totally makes everything better. Right. That's Dad's answer for everything. Spank 'em. First of all, why is that always the answer? Don't get me wrong, there were times as a child when I deserved and needed the spankings I got. But really? Every time the child is out of line. A. You yell to get your point across and B. Spank them so they "learn" their lesson.

You need to get past this problem or else it will never go away and just continue to rear its ugly head over and over until either she dies or you die. I'm serious. She won't change. You know that. So stop letting her inside your head and your heart. You know what you need to do, so do it.

Working on that part. It's a lifetime of behaviors that are being reversed. It's not going to keep happening because for once in my life, I actually see what is going on and that it needs to change. Figuring our how and the best way to go about it, that's another thing. I cannot completely cut her out of my life 100%. It's simply not an option. Yes, I can limit my exposure to her, but I cannot eliminate it completely.

At this particular moment in time, other than seeing FOO twice a week, there is no contact. Last time I opened that door, she lied about and twisted everything I said. So I stopped communicating with her. Of course I'm the bad guy. Whatever.