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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: anyone forget what being married to WS feels like?
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been about a 18 months since we lived together as a somewhat normal married couple. And I can't even remember relating to WH as a husband, I can't remember the "dailies" at all, I can't recall what we used to talk about.

Maybe its a defense mechanism of some sort, but everything I think and feel about WH ALL relates to OW, dday, his personality changes and the way he acts now (though he is beginning to resemble his "old" self more and more)

I'm not so concerned with the fact that I am forgetting him, so much as I'm worried the trauma has caused some cognitive issues with me.

Maybe this is normal part of a stress reaction or something. Feels literally like amnesia of some sort.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes! It's so strange. We have only been living apart about 4 months, but I do forget what it felt like to be married to him. I spend so much of my days thinking about all that has happened and wondering how he was capable of doing this. I think about the damage he caused to me and our kids, but very rarely do I have any memories of us together in our daily life.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think it's a stress reaction. I've fogotten huge, entire chunks of time relating to the marriage.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I'm a little less worried. It has me weirded out.

Always something new.



WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. For a few months. There was a five week span where there were no texts, emails or calls at all. Then the house refi got rolling. It sucked me back in. It all came crashing back down when I moved out on Saturday. But it is the best possible thing long term. I have to start forgetting all over again


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have virtually no memory of the 18-24 months following dday. As an example, there are movies that I saw during that time that I know I saw but when I watch them again it is like watching for the first time. I do remember the big painful events but almost nothing of the day to day things.

I recall what it was like before the A but I choose not to think about it.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17688 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it could be I'm blocking the memories somehow. Weird, you think I'd block the horrific ones, not the normal ones.

I do remember the good times just fine too.

Its the daily life, the way we used to communicate with eachother, the husband-wife relationship that I have blocked.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so thankful you posted this thread. I've been a little worried about my sanity. I was married for 16 years, now separated/divorcing for 2+ years, and I can hardly recall any conversations with my husband during my marriage.

Even more troubling, I know he gaslighted me on a daily basis, and then guilted me into shutting up. But I can't quite remember HOW - or rather, the specifics of ANY of these daily conversations.

It's so troubling. My attorneys have even asked me about it. I'm convinced it's PTSD.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 3:17 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1702 | Registered: Oct 2011
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too suffer from this, sometimes I feel like I have a form of PTSD. It is so weird some days. I seem to dwell on him and her living happily in our family home. I miss my husband but at the same time I don't really remember who he was. This one isn't the same guy.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a coping mechanism. It helps you process the pain of the A. However, the more painful memories for you are actually the loving moments. Your not able to rehash the pain of lost M yet.
If the memories don't come back within a year, then you may be repressing.
This is a common side effect for some.
Unfortunately, I remember everything, both good and bad, with abnormal vividnous and clarity. More like PTSD for me. Wish I didn't.
The loving memories hurt like hell for a while and made it harder for my heart to catch up with my brain.
Blehhh


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great responses and I feel a little better thank you.

My first marriage is now more vivid than this one. And that was 25 years ago. Crazy stuff. Guess I will remember when I feel it is safe to do so.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing hope, I think blogging is a great idea.

sometimes I wish I was someone that kept a diary over my life. I never did.

Maybe a good time to start one?


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's beginning to fade. Sometimes I'll be watching something on TV or watching a movie that has an asshole husband or wife being sneaky about being an asshole and creating drama in a covert way and it'll trigger a memory of life with my ex. I don't know how I got so comfortable living with someone so emotionally immature. I learned what to say, what not to say, how to say something and how to do everything I could do on my by myself so that my husband didn't transform into a whiny baby on me and make life miserable for a while because I dared need/want something from him that he hadn't offered to give on his own accord. I was more than willing to adapt to anything because he was a "good" and "loyal" man! I'm glad I'm no adjusted to that way of life!

Ugh...I can't wait until it's all a distant memory!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly the same here. It's been 5.5 years for me. I'm having trouble with the thought of even living with someone ever again, because if can't fathom it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PTSD is a definate. I have all the symptoms. It is so crazy that you posted this I just left IC and she asked me recall something in the marraige , I drew a blank almost like my mind blocked it out. Unconsciously. It was so wierd but now that you posted that I know it is normal. Thank you.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 682 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep-- I feel like that life belonged to someone else. I can't believe that we spent 17 years together, and now he's a total stranger to me. The one thing I do remember, though, is how most of our conversations focused on him and his interests. It feels good to be free of that.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one thing I do remember, though, is how most of our conversations focused on him and his interests. It feels good to be free of that.

This, exactly.

I remember early on in our marriage that whenever I would express a strong opinion about something, he'd always say "get off your high horse." I heard that so many times that I eventually just started keeping my opinions to myself.

(How ironic that the OW that broke the marriage was an utterly narcissistic highly opinionated ball-breaking bitch.)

Like Willies Mom, I can't picture doing anything similar ever again.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17551 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with that last post and quote entirely.
my life living with a habitual cheater was constant stress, heart palpitations, anxiety and insanity. I never knew what was going to happen that day. once he left, it was immediate relief. not completely free of it but HUGE difference.
I lost alot of myself and my childs life trying to just live. its sucked. I will never repeat that again


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so that my husband didn't transform into a whiny baby on me and make life miserable for a while because I dared need/want something from him that he hadn't offered to give on his own accord. I was more than willing to adapt to anything because he was a "good" and "loyal" man!

This times a million. As for remembering married life, yes, in great detail. Maybe b/c I'm so far out? Still get a little sad & nostalgic for the facade (I guess). Don't know how real what I remember was anymore, if that makes sense.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 19

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