In my case that is how I imagine it really beginning, physically. Not when they actually met (he interviewed her for a position in his very large company at a job fair). Sure, he laid the groundwork there … they met later that day to continue the discussion … he found his prey and pounced. I get that. But it was weeks later that my W actually committed to meet with him again and stay with him at his hotel.
I wonder when that lightbulb went off. Was it the day before she drove to see him? The day before that? While she was packing her clothes that morning? Was I near her / next to her when she made that decision? I really wish I knew.
Its been over 8 years since dday and we are R’d yet that question still resonates. It does for several reasons but mostly for this; what if I were a fly on the wall that could read her mind at that fateful moment? Would I have understood her rationale (you see, I never have)? Would it have made sense to me? And although I couldn’t do anything to stop her, would I want to have been on that wall or on that lampshade or on the dashboard of her car to witness her decision?
I don’t know if I would … would you?
It saddens me that you have R'd and still struggle with this piece.
Can you, have you asked her? When her moment was?
Do you realize you could have been standing on top of her and it wouldn't have changed anything? It wasn't about you, and no matter how you try to move things around it won't ever be about you.
It was about her being broken.
The fly on the wall wouldn't have understood the language spoken that day because flies don't understand people and unbroken people don't understand A's
You will never make sense of that which doesn't make sense.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 4:32 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
@ lostworld - i remember when that movie first came out in the theaters and then to DVD. My W and I never considered watching for obvious reasons. But after reading your response, and the fact that my W is traveling, I thought i’d see if I could find it at Red Box. Not there, of course. Any idea where I might be able to locate it?
Do you have NetFlix or any video on demand? You might find it that way.
I could have nailed a board to his ass and he still would have fallen in.
We cannot save them from themselves.
We really are in a good place, now. It took a long time, lots of questioning and wondering … but we’re OK. Our M is OK. Our kids, adults now, are OK too. I just have this lingering - kinda like a mosquito buzzing around my brain thing - that I still can’t swat.
Thanks for your replies!
He says he was having no wayward thoughts at all. Actually, he had not ever even crossed paths or knew AP even existed.
When he got off the plane in NY, she was the worker he rented a car from. But he started flirting with her, she flirted too. She kept his driver's license (how convenient) and called to return it to him after she got off work. They met at his hotel, went to his room and poured acid on my soul and detonated a nuclear bomb on our marriage and family.
There were so many stop signs that he ran through, and he should have been very protective of what he left at home. Instead he brought me an STD that ultimately caused many issues, including a miscarriage later.
So, no, I don't think anything could have stopped this train wreck. I have tortured myself examining every single "what if" imaginable.
Would I have understood her rationale (you see, I never have)? Would it have made sense to me?
I think the answer to this is no, because part of being a wayward is refusing to think rationally. For my H, it's like his brain was scrambled, but he would not admit to himself or anyone else that something was wrong with him. He was thinking in twisted circles and stubbornly ignoring reality.
There was no Hollywood moment where he could have realized what he was doing, or heard my voice and stopped the slippery slope. Those moments happen to healthy people who are thinking clearly and living in reality. In my H's wayward mind, there was only emotion, fog, and denial. He didn't have a proper foundation, so no logic could take hold.
When he went to her house, he was on autopilot. He wasn't choosing between his beautiful family and an affair. He wasn't choosing between his smart, sexy, faithful wife and a lying, desperate, pitiful OW. His family and his wife were blocked out. He was just choosing not to get off the escalator. He wasn't thinking about where it was going (Hell) or what the consequences would be, just riding along.
His rational thought was obscured. His emotions were confused to the point of nonsense. If I ever were to be so messed-up I would examine myself. I would immediately stop everything and figure out what was wrong. I would not do anything until I had seen a counselor/doctor/my friends/my family asked for help, and sorted myself out.
But he's a WS because he didn't stop. He actually existed in that state for 17 months and did all kinds of stupid, stupid shit. That's not about fateful moments. It's about a disordered, unhealthy state of mind.
[This message edited by sailorgirl at 11:39 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
In summary. The answers were that there was nothing any BS could have done that would have changed things.
I doubt if that answer helps anyone. It didnt help me.
We lived near Megan Kanka when she was abducted and killed. The police knocked on our door asking for entry into our shed the morning before they found her body. Of course we obliged. I sub sequentially helped them search for her. That was horrific.
Her parents are wonderful people. They lived across the street from the predator. They have done great things since their child was murdered. I wonder if they wanted to be that fly on the wall? I don’t think so … in fact i’m sure they wouldn’t.
My sitch is certainly different, definitely no where near as traumatic. Maybe I should take a lesson from the Kenkas and morn the loss, appreciate the times yet ahead.