Since moving out she has done nothing to repair the situation or restore the relationship. But, i did discover she had stolen an expensive piece of jewelry, which she returned after saying "I forgot about that". And she has not tried to talk with me since moving out, except once to ask me for money.
However, 6 months ago I bought plane tickets for both DD's and I to travel to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. DD18 has a ticket.
Today she texts me and starts with "please text me the details of the flight" Remember we haven't spoken for 6 weeks when I said our relationship is up to you. It got worse from that point on including tons of manipulation techniques such as shaming, blameshifting, diverting, character assination, word salad, bullying etc. after I kept bringing the conversation back toward the thefts, her attitude , and her lack of respect for me or her grandparents.
I tell you it felt horrible that my precious kids views me as a monster that is out to get her. I also know her horrid attitude toward me will ruin the trip for all of us.
I can't understand how DD even wants to go after the thefts and now after this rude exchange.
My question is how do I tell this kid she is not going in language that is protective for me.
PS: My parents want to see her and want me to say, "If you (DD18) pay the fee to change the date of the flight we would love to see you on your own.
What about that idea?
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:56 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
Eta: I'm so sorry. My post sounds snarky, but I can just see it happening.
[This message edited by Williesmom at 7:09 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
You won't get anywhere with her until she feels you are on her side. For a borderline, feelings are reality.
Personally, I would back off and make sure she knows she is welcome. This is your child. At 18, she is still a child and she is rebelling the hell out of you.
Are you going to spat with her right now, or take her with you to remind her what family is all about?
Kalli...that is my internal struggle. Her dad is NPD. he has actively alienated her from me for years and she has in turn shown more and more NPD characteristics. The more I give the more she takes, manipulates, and lies.
Thank you for your help.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:31 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
..you know you're right.. so... time for tough love!
..anything else won't be respected in the long run.
..hopefully, she'll get it when she matures.
..and, yes, it is heartbreaking
It's a horse of a different color when it's your kid, and I can't imagine how much this hurts.
I would say to give her the ticket info, nothing else. You're not responsible for teaching her how to behave anymore. Yes, 18 is still a "teenager" but she's treated you reprehensibly and I don't see how she's going to change or "see the light" without psychological intervention.
If you don't give her the ticket, she will try to demonize you further to her family for taking it away. You are completely within your rights, but the borderline/NPD/BPD have a special way of getting the community to rally around their supposed victimhood.
Let this be the last handout - the last favor or promise you make to her. Since the plan was already in place I don't see it as you being taken advantage of so much as just following through on a commitment. After this, you do the 180. As for T-Giving, I say be a beacon of calm and try to ignore her antics. I'd say completely ignore her, but I know that has to be impossible.
You be calm and kind and balanced, and let her unravel around you. Then next time she asks you for something, just say with clinical coolness that until she's ready to pay you back for what she's stolen, the shop is closed.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 7:49 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and I'm so sorry you are in pain. I don't have an answer to your question, but wanted you to know I'm keeping you in my prayers.
I never met anyone as soul crushing as NPD can be.