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User Topic: My heart is breaking
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have written about my DD18 many times before. Most recently she stole several times from me, and she was asked to move out after blatantly disregarding my requests for actions to replace the items, show remorse and retribution. (This is after beginning her stealing career at 13)

Since moving out she has done nothing to repair the situation or restore the relationship. But, i did discover she had stolen an expensive piece of jewelry, which she returned after saying "I forgot about that". And she has not tried to talk with me since moving out, except once to ask me for money.

However, 6 months ago I bought plane tickets for both DD's and I to travel to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. DD18 has a ticket.

Today she texts me and starts with "please text me the details of the flight" Remember we haven't spoken for 6 weeks when I said our relationship is up to you. It got worse from that point on including tons of manipulation techniques such as shaming, blameshifting, diverting, character assination, word salad, bullying etc. after I kept bringing the conversation back toward the thefts, her attitude , and her lack of respect for me or her grandparents.

I tell you it felt horrible that my precious kids views me as a monster that is out to get her. I also know her horrid attitude toward me will ruin the trip for all of us.

I can't understand how DD even wants to go after the thefts and now after this rude exchange.

My question is how do I tell this kid she is not going in language that is protective for me.
I feel sick to my stomach, but i know after typing this out what I need to do.


PS: My parents want to see her and want me to say, "If you (DD18) pay the fee to change the date of the flight we would love to see you on your own.

What about that idea?

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:56 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Jan 2010
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say that if she stays home, she may break into your house and steal your stuff. If she goes along, you'll know where she is.

Eta: I'm so sorry. My post sounds snarky, but I can just see it happening.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 7:09 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7560 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She sounds borderline.

You won't get anywhere with her until she feels you are on her side. For a borderline, feelings are reality.

Personally, I would back off and make sure she knows she is welcome. This is your child. At 18, she is still a child and she is rebelling the hell out of you.

Are you going to spat with her right now, or take her with you to remind her what family is all about?


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Williesmom....she will be locked out so the house will be safe.

Kalli...that is my internal struggle. Her dad is NPD. he has actively alienated her from me for years and she has in turn shown more and more NPD characteristics. The more I give the more she takes, manipulates, and lies.

Thank you for your help.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:31 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Jan 2010
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..(((((C123))))))

..teenages?????

..you know you're right.. so... time for tough love!

..anything else won't be respected in the long run.

..hopefully, she'll get it when she matures.

..and, yes, it is heartbreaking

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She sounds like my SIL and FIL, both of whom we have been instructed by counselors to keep at polite arms length.

It's a horse of a different color when it's your kid, and I can't imagine how much this hurts.

I would say to give her the ticket info, nothing else. You're not responsible for teaching her how to behave anymore. Yes, 18 is still a "teenager" but she's treated you reprehensibly and I don't see how she's going to change or "see the light" without psychological intervention.

If you don't give her the ticket, she will try to demonize you further to her family for taking it away. You are completely within your rights, but the borderline/NPD/BPD have a special way of getting the community to rally around their supposed victimhood.

Let this be the last handout - the last favor or promise you make to her. Since the plan was already in place I don't see it as you being taken advantage of so much as just following through on a commitment. After this, you do the 180. As for T-Giving, I say be a beacon of calm and try to ignore her antics. I'd say completely ignore her, but I know that has to be impossible.

You be calm and kind and balanced, and let her unravel around you. Then next time she asks you for something, just say with clinical coolness that until she's ready to pay you back for what she's stolen, the shop is closed.

(((Chrysalis123)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 7:49 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chrysalis)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37327 | Registered: Sep 2007
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chrysalis)))

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you and I'm so sorry you are in pain. I don't have an answer to your question, but wanted you to know I'm keeping you in my prayers.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't understand NPD was in this. I sent you a link in a PM.

I never met anyone as soul crushing as NPD can be.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking about you today.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I wouldn't pay for anything, and I would inform her that until she can treat me the way I deserve to be treated I'm initiating NC. If you want a relationship, then your actions will dictate how I receive you.
It's not cheating, but generally the same things apply. This is hard. I've done it before and doing it now with the youngest for just disrespect. The oldest took a few years to figure it out, but I didn't allow him to continue breaking my heart.
If you take her, she will only ruin what should be a great time for all. You will have wasted quite a bit of money as well.
Best of luck. And hang in there, they eventually grow up.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 11

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