BUT..... my reaction was awful. Not to her or my brother - oh no, I immediately sent a text to both saying how wonderful it was.... However, without giving it a thought I showed my H the text and said "well we can't go to that wedding!" " How will we get out of it?" - he was so hurt, so sad and he was very good, said how sorry he was to have caused my negative feelings and that hopefully, in time, when it's time for the wedding we'd be in an even better, stronger place and may feel better about attending.
I'm cross that I responded so vehemently, so swiftly and so verbally!!! Sometimes I should just reflect first.
I guess it's just another thing ruined - but I hope not for ever.
How do BS's feel about attending weddings post A?
It was just such a reminder to me to see them so in love (and I truly believe they are) and committing themselves to each other. A real look at what H threw away, the promises he broke. Such a reminder we were like that at one time. I remember making those vows. So saddening that he didn't remember wnd thought only of himself.
I've heard others say they sang the alphabet to themselves during the vows. Maybe that could work for you.
I really hope that by the time your brother's wedding happens you will have healed more and will be able to cope with it.
We've been to two weddings since d-day. I detached from the first invitation, didn't think about it ahead of time, and didn't consider not going. I drifted along until the vows and that was really tough. Plus, I hadn't even talked about it with H so I was really resenting him but had to be Miss Cheerful until the whole reception was over because there was no way to talk privately.
I thought I would do better at the second wedding, because R is going so well and we were nine months past d-day. Guess again. It was H's side of the family so the same FOO issues that set H up to be a WH were on display and I was miserable.
Many present had been at our wedding and were remembering how much we loved to dance (swing) and asking us why we weren't out on the dance floor . . . Yikes, it was bad.
I was resentful of H all over again, although truly it was my responsibility to figure out how I was going to feel, communicate that, and stop overestimating my strength and being stoic.
I would err on the side of caution. We are still in an R slump brought on in part by that second wedding. (No time to talk as kids and puppy are extra needy and H has to work long hours this week.)
[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:17 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
However as I said the wedding previous to that was 3 years after DD and bearable and I am very happy for the couple and wish them a long and faithful M. I wouldn't have missed it, I refuse to let my FWH's shitty choices stop me from celebrating someone elses wedding day, and especially if it was my brothers!!
I am now skeptical of M and the point in it and the vows you make, but if people want to M that is their choice and I wish them all every happiness in the world and pray they remain faithful and don't destroy the person they loved so much on that day!
Hopefully by the time of your brothers wedding you will feel able to go and celebrate his happiness with him! I don't know about you but prior to DDay I had 16 wonderful years of M (the 2 before DDay not so good) and I wouldn't change them for the world!
A couple months after DDay, my mom and step-dad were married in a small ceremony on the beach. I was a bit hesitant at first, but then my mother's out-of-state wedding planner wasn't following through on the details and I stepped in. I ended up basically taking the lead and coordinating the details for flowers, cake, etc. My H and I had a big wedding, and my mom was my rock during planning and the day of, not to mention she paid for the entire thing herself. It felt great to be able to be there for her like she was for me.
During the actually ceremony, I just tried to focus on what was going on in front of me, and not let my mind wander. My mom and step-dad had been together for 12 years, so I just thought about how happy I was for them. During the vows my mind did go "there" and I shed a few tears, but the good thing is that many people do at weddings, so it wasn't out of place at all.
It was hard but happy and it was a beautiful day. My WH was kind and helpful, and I loved seeing old friends. I tried to think of it as a big party.
Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.
And to this day I have never thought about it in that sense until now!
Im glad I didn't think about it on the day of the wedding, it would have spoilt it for me.
I hope in time u can enjoy going to weddings again. It should be a memorable moment and in time, it will be again x
I was nervous about going to the reception, but they had decorated it so differently, it wasn't at all the same. fWH had a really, really hard day that day. I think he was again realizing how much he really messed up. It didn't help that his parents (who knew about the A) kept mentioning our wedding. It was hard for me not to freak out to them.
I get what you're feeling, UKlady. And your reaction was an honest one.
Ironically the reception was a mixed bag. I refused to let another event go by without enjoying it. So I danced with my kids (I never dance) and had a good time.
All in all, it was really tough day. I did share with WW were my thoughts were and it did help having her apologize and hoping someday being able to enjoy in another couple's day.
Yes, you'll probably be triggered throughout the wedding. But it's your sister and you will one day regret missing her wedding.
Is there a way for you to attend and take into account that you'll be triggered? Maybe ask to be seated at a table that would allow you to sneak out for fresh air if you need time alone? Meds from your doctor?
I guess WS don't think about the circle of damage when they cheat. Sigh...
My FWH was keenly aware of how difficult it was for me to be there, particularly being that close to where that A began. He held my hand and stayed close the entire time.
I managed the same way I've done with so many difficult situations and triggers. I put on a brave front and suppress it until I'm in a better position to release my emotions.
Hopefully, by the time your brother's wedding is scheduled, you'll be in a better place and will be able to enjoy it.
It wasn't only the wedding day I struggled with, but all the preparations. I felt my opportunity to be a joyful MOB was hugely impacted. However the day itself was lovely - yes I was very tearful during the vows and I had to battle with the voice in my head yelling what hypocrite he was during WH's father of the bride speech. However mostly I was able to focus on the happy couple.
I think WH was disappointed our daughter didn't ask him to marry her - d-day was very soon after they got engaged. I am just so grateful they had decided on someone else as I don't think I could have managed that.
..i can only hope and pray that their marriage doesn't end up like ours.
..given the total lie mine turned out to be, I don't really believe in the institution any more.
..but i can't bring myself to tell them that!!
[This message edited by somanyyears at 8:53 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
Sigh..... I'm not surprised though that weddings have been/are a huge trigger for us BS's out there....
I spoke to my brother's fiancee yesterday (not about the A - none of my family know about it) but just about the wedding and it would seem that there is absolutely no rush for it to happen - I think I have at least a year before I need to get worked up about it again and, who knows, maybe I'll be in a better place then.
Am so sad that something I believed in so passionately will now be something that will hurt me, hearing those vows - the same vows that my H made to me but then broke....
Subsequently we've been to at least three other weddings. I felt that 'life had to go on' but I was angry, angry, angry. I just wanted to tell everyone NOT to go through with it. Before my son's wedding I sat him down and basically said that if he wasn't committed to her, loved her, respected her and wasn't prepared to ever be unfaithful to her, then he shouldn't bother... (He doesn't know about us, for all sorts of reasons). I think that he was quite bemused by my vehemence.
So, UKlady, I quite understand your reaction. The thing is, it would be such a shame to miss your brother's wedding. I know how hard it will be and how cynical you will be feeling but if you can, try to enjoy it for his sake. Not every marriage is damaged by betrayal; not everyone is a cheat or a liar.