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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Affair talking or just doesn't love me
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


double post

[This message edited by painfulpast at 4:16 PM, November 25th (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you both own a business together that could complicate your settlement agreement. Can your attorney slow down the process to give you more time to fully investigate what your WH is really up to and when this really started. You deserve to know the full truth for your own healing.

In my state if the affair occurred in the home which in your case is your entire farm then you would have more leverage in the property settlement. And others have mentioned ramifications with his military career.

It sounds likely that this is a fullbown affair based on the fact that your WH is exhibiting the common behaviors we BS commonly see. Could the OP be pregnant cuz he sure is in a rush for the divorce? His rushing and way it will wreck you both financially is suspicious... It's amazing how the cheating changes themi and it's illogical we ethical people just can't fathom it.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:52 PM, November 25th (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

horsegirl, since it matters in the military whether a soldier is honorable at work and at home (i.e. adultery) that would explain his consistent lying about the nature of their "friendship." He doesn't want is professional life to suffer from the consequences of his cheating.

Not to be vindictive, but to be smart, do as pain and others suggested, and hold your hand close while you investigate and get evidence. The more evidence you have may help you in the long run, while it won't hurt you at all.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes...above all else, they would leave it all for an emotional affair. To men, that is the deepest type. Bad news if the affair is emotional. It is not a ONS or sex buddies...this is about feelings. By now it is both...after all he is still married and living with another woman. But, it probably was before he moved out. It could have been anytime...a trip to the store...a friend's party or house...the barn...

Try not to compare yourself with her. She is easy, immature, lacks moral values/self-confidence/self-esteem. Above all else...easy. What does she truly have to offer down the road? Right now...undivided attention. That will get old, he couldn't of spent so much time on a farm and have it out of his blood. He doesn't sound like the type of man to live locked away in an apartment with an easy whore for the rest of his life. Don't think of it as you not being good enough for him...she was just easy enough for him. Like a cockroach going after pond scum. Do you really want a cockroach? Think of yourself as being too good for a cockroach...you are out of his league now.

I agree with painfulpast...get those phone records...bank records...computer logs...a PI to take photos of them(he is still married).


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The issue is our state is no fault so none of it really matters. I did tell his boss and other people on the base but unless I have a confession or pictures than I don't have much to go on.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'd be surprised what judges will listen to, even in 'no fault' states. Cheating is never a good thing.

Again, hire the PI. They can dig up things you had no idea were possible to dig up. Get your proof and tell your H that you will get everything you ask for, no fault or not no fault, or you will give the proof to his superiors.

I'm sorry he's done this, but the odds are he won't be coming back. He's so deep in the fog and he has OW there to make him feel better if he starts to feel depressed about what he's done. He won't have long enough to feel badly for being this much of an asshole, and it's been nearly 2 months already.

You need to go into protection mode - get proof, let him know what you have, and what you will do if he fights you. He's left the farm so you'll probably get that. Let him know you'll attach his pension, his salary, all of it - if he doesn't just walk away and give you everything you seek in the settlement.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did hire a PI but really got nothing because they live together. They go everywhere together, text each other all day but nothing lovely dovey in public.

Uh, I find myself wanting to send him an email to say that I recognize my faults in the marriage and that I am making changes. I know better but I drafted the whole thing and just know it won't make a difference.

It has been almost two months and he hasn't contacted me except for finances. I find myself thinking he just really didn't love me and must have been unhappy and I was too dumb to realize it.

I shouldn't want him back but I do. I miss my friend and i am just so damn lonely. Holidays really bite!


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie - don't contact him please.

Do you share a cell phone plan with him?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, we share have a shared package with our phones. I stopped looking because it wasn't helping me. I mean when he is at work they text all darn day.

I know..I should not contact him. Why oh why do I feel so weak when it comes to this crap. I am stronger than this but I just find myself wanting him to realize this is all a mistake and sadly knowing he doesn't think it is.

Do affairs where they live together tend to die out quicker? He barely even knew her! She is 8yrs younger (24) and right now is basically his only friend. What an asshole.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the plan in your name? If so, get his phone. Get him a new one, tell him it was time to trade up, do whatever you need to do but get it. You can have it forensically scrubbed to get the texts off of it. That would be the proof you need.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Uh, I find myself wanting to send him an email to say that I recognize my faults in the marriage and that I am making changes."

PLEASE, DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT send him an email or a letter or give him a phone call to say you recognize YOUR own faults in the M.... #1, it's not your fault he cheated. It's solely HIS fault and his alone. #2, do not give him any kind of potential 'ammunition' which could be used against you in court, should it come to that. Where his affair is concerned, YOU HAVE NO FAULTS. You didn't crash and burn, he did. Are you reading other posts on SI ? If you are, you would read it, over and over, the cheaters cheat due to no fault of their spouses. Repeat over and over, "I DID NOT DO THIS." Because you didn't do this.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As others have said his cheating is not your fault. He is being extremely nasty to you and is emotionally abusing you. I didn't totally get this at first either. And remember you are in shock now and horrified.

My state is a no fault state too but judges can and do use discretion when one party has injured another in an extreme way when it comes to property settlement. Effing on marital property is considered to be extremely damaging.

For example if you and H disagree on how to split something the judge might favor your position. Also equitable distribution doesn't always mean equal. That's why it's good for you to get a better understanding about what your H has really done to you. If he has bought the OW gifts then you may be due half of that money spent too?

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:33 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Horsegirl
♀ Member
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not much happening. I did let him know I ordered another box for direct tv and would out more money in account. He said he would call about the separation agreement. No attempt to reconcile or anything. Just says he has no feelings for me. Hurts like crazy.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry Horsegirl. One day he will more than likely regret his actions. When you have both moved on and he realizes his mistake. Perhaps it will be in enough time or maybe you will be in what I like to call a "Happy place" by then. HUGS!!!


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 114
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