If I could offer you some hope? In the awful week after my husband told me he was in love with the woman he's still with, he said 'Someday you'll see, we'll both be happier...'
And the truth is, he was right. Not to have an affair as a way of ending the marriage, not to end our marriage without a proper discussion or seeing a counsellor, but in his analysis that I would one day be much, much happier without him.
There is hope on the other side of this, although you can't see it yet. Work as hard as you can on staying well, and letting this go.
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
He said terrible things to me at the time - that I'd let myself go, that I 'just wasn't appealing', that I 'didn't know what love was'... and the worst of it was, I allowed him to say them by continuing to contact him and beg him to come back.
Ah Horsegirl - listen to the wisdom of Crazynot and all who have posted.
The shit they spew at the beginning will cut you off at the knees.
There are countless people on this site that went, in an instant, from marriages that were loving and fulfilling to cheaters declaring that they had been very unhappy.
It is the pattern.
It is too early for you to grasp that your husband morphed in to a verbally brutal and selfish stranger. But grasp it you must because it is your new truth. He is an asshole. That is your truth.
Continue to work on your own healing and fight the endless question of *why?*. Bring all your energy back to yourself.
Keep posting and reading. You must be able to seek comfort from those who have been there and can tell you that ALL you are feeling is is valid.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
I am struggling to move forward.
He did not realize it at the moment but he had given MOW
All the ammunition she needed to make him hate me more and more everyday. He told her tons of stuff about me. Most untrue or grossly exaggerated. He fed into that. After about 4-6 weeks, he started getting glimpses of the real her. He started to see that she would do little things to hurt me through Facebook. She put her fb public. Added songs that were "our songs" and said they were dedicated to her, added pictures of his son and the grand baby that was just born and then she put a picture of her and my H as her default. My oldest daughter saw that and lost it. I texted him to at least have her remove it until we were divorced or he filed! Within like 2-3 minutes her default was removed. It caused a huge fight between them over me. He said that was the first time he defended me and didn't back down. He told her "she knows we live together, how much more do you want to hurt her?"
He said her response was a devilish smile. I believe he packed his bags and walked out on her within a day or so.
He saw that she had zero reasons to hate me so much.
That's when he started erasing the history he had rewritten.
He started remembering who I always have been.
I took care of him through his lowest times, I catered to him, spoiled him in every way. There was zero justification to do what he did. A tiny problem of mine was magnified in his mind by her. She made it a point to walk around the house naked. Why?? Because he mentioned to her once that I wouldn't walk around the house in my thong. Umm yeah why would I when we have our teen kids in the house. MOW knew this so she walked naked around the house, she told him that she didn't see the problem and it was ok because her kids have seen her naked and those are her kids blah blah... This was just one thing that made him hate me more.
I tell you just bits and pieces of my story so you know some of the reasons why your H is acting the way he is. Your H will likely never tell you that OW is filling his head with crap like this. He might not totally realized she's even doing this! The only time my H would tell me anything negative about MOW was when they would argue a lot. MOW acted like she was super secure and confident. In fact she tried hard as hell to be everything I was and more! He saw it. It got to a point when she realized that he knew I was the best thing in his life.
Just by a comment she made " I will never measure up to your wife will I ?" His response was to stay quiet and look down.
That crushed her and showed her no matter what she did, she would never be me. You can't fake being good , kind and caring when you're not. If you have to fake it , it's work and that won't last!
Don't waste your energy on asking questions when he talks to you. Unless it's about the kids/finances. One thing to think about is. How many men or woman having affairs actually say " I have a perfect spouse, she adores me and cares for me like no other, she's my better half but I want to screw this chick on the side." NONE!! That's how many! He HAS to justify his actions with all this nonsense! He can easily turn a grain of sand into a whole beach load of shit you never did or said.
They also do it to somehow convince themselves and accept what the are doing is ok.
The sooner you realize this and keep doing 180. The sooner this mess will unravel and the fog clears or he moves on without you or without her.
I have not read all the replies but do get yourself a lawyer,get a free consult and know your rights. Sleepless nights, crying yourself to sleep, not taking care of yourself and not eating...
I know now what I couldn't see then. It's not worth it and you deserve to be happy. If he decides he doesn't want to work on that. In the end happiness comes from within and you deserve it girl!
[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 10:08 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
I was shocked when he said he didn't L me for the past 5 years, because this was the man who brought me tea and breakfast to my bedside (he's an early riser) so many times I couldn't count them. This is the man who called me from his work to just check in during our entire M. This was the man who fathered our beautiful children and was a wonderful father, kind and loving husband, etc. (Except for his PA behaviors from his FOO. )
Now he says he was in a fog, and "not acting or thinking normally" during the secret A.
Your H is in fantasy land, with your slut Xfriend. When he comes out of it, he'll realize the terrible things he said. But he won't come out of it until he is left to his own devices.
Again, the 180 is for you, and it does often have the effect of de-fogging a wayward spouse, (at least bringing them back to reality and end the blameshifting and re-writing) but ultimately it is for you.
I think nothing literally has hit him yet. He walked away from ALOT, recently and I highly doubt everything is rosey in his new world. Or will stay rosey for long. His problem though.
Regardless, as the other posters have said, take care of YOU.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:28 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]
I would state this to him after the 180.
You have to fight the mindtrip with logic. He never loved you? -- but married you? Never happy - but vacations and lovemaking...?
So, either he was lying and faking it and he used you this whole time - or he is messed up in the head. Okay - either way is messed up!!! And either way the problem is him!! And either way - he is showing you who he is! (right now at least).
great point...now you deflect back to him. Don't stand for his crap. Tell him point blank..."I am not the problem." "You are, and I am done."
He may have come back to you or still wanted the marriage, but the Birthday thing makes me think the OW gave him an ultimatum and he took it. The only thing that makes sense to me how he can be fine one day and then crazy the next. Unless he has a history of bipolar. Either way...his problem. You can't fix him or this. Just 180 and get the book "Not Just Friends" to understand what is going on in their minds.
Tell him, you know it was a PA affair, but you don't care anymore...you are done and he isn't worth it because of the way he treated you and handled it.
Is it possible he was using you for money?
What he did is still cruel. No normal human being treats another like that. He IS MESSED UP.
I don't doubt he feels that way about you. But, it has nothing to do with you. Someone posted in the general section about "The Fog" this is what he is doing. It is perfectly explained from a WS point of view.
No one who just leaves their wife moves in with another women that just left her BF. No one goes out late with another women like he did. HE WAS AND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR...for all better sense, you are still married and he is with another woman now. I wouldn't be shocked if he marries her right after the divorce.
Truly...the 180 is the key...it is the turning point for most of us...it was for me.
Keep any message about him not caring about the farm...you may be able to use that later if he changes his mind and wants it with legal proceedings.
...please post after reading it...it is very shocking and hurtful...but makes so much clear...be ready to be triggered...
This (I think brother-in-law of STBXW...sounds like what your H is like)
I am protecting myself legally. I have a good lawyer and am okay for now.
At first I was buying it but then I started fighting basically saying you either didn't love me and lied for years which makes you a terrible person and an epic liar or you are just telling me anything to shift blame so you feel better about running away like a coward.
What a way to end a marriage regardless. Divorce will be final in four months. I do spend a lot of time thinking about whether he will wake up. He has himself believing the history rewrite.
It is like he is just attacking me as a person to hurt me as deeply as he can. When you tell someone you don't love them, you don't like them, they have a horrible personality and more it just does damage that is deep. I know I am a good person. I have so many friends and I run a successful business that is sales based where yiur reputation is the only thing that matters. I am well respected at my job and in the community. He makes me out to be this controlling monster that was a real bitch. Yet, all the people who saw us all the time said they never found him to be anything but happy.
I do think he is capable of being a person who held it all in until he blew and maybe he really did not love me but until he left he showed no true signs.
Your posts hurt me. I feel so much for you. Your writing is so full of pain and so opposite of me - pure anger. I am such a deeply angry person because of the horrendous betrayal my husband did to me for all of my life with him and his child/my child.
And I read your posts and there is no anger. I am amazed and admire and feel your pain so much at the same time.
I too live in horse country. I am not a horse person, but I live in a rural part of a metropolitan city that allows horses. They are so peaceful and so beautiful. I truly can see the love you have for your animals - because you are such a beautiful person. I truly hope you can save the farm for your animals and you.
It is good that you have texts saying he doesn't want the farm.
Please do not talk to him - I do beg you. But try to get him to keep texting you and even better emailing you. Ask him about what he wants to do with this animal or that... Maybe an animal is ill? (so what if it isn't - just say it..) Ask him advice in writing only - ever. Do not ask about him in person ever. Ask about the farm. This animal is sick - what do you do think we should do? I am thinking about purchasing another animal - what do you think about that? I'm trying to say that it will be beneficial to get as much written about how much he dose not want the farm, how much he wants you to have the farm, how he doesn't care about the animals... anything at all.
This may not help totally - but it is good to have all this in writing - you never know = maybe you will get a judge who is also AN ANIMAL LOVER and trust me - that will make all the difference. No lawyer wants to get a judge who is a known animal lover if their client is up for animal cruelty. Now this is not that case - but he did up and leave the farm, the animals with nothing...ok? So keep texting/emailing about the farm - it is in the animals and your best interest.
[This message edited by mychild at 1:25 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
You asked if there are people who have divorced without an affair.
My mother left my father when I was 19 and there was no affairs on either side.
She felt unhappy, trapped, it was all my father's fault. Now, my father was a piss head, truly, but he was not a bad person - but a piss head. But my mother was even worse. So you see, people who are unhappy are just unhappy. If they are adults and are not being held unjustly or imprisoned then that is their right - to be unhappy piss heads or whatever. No one can make anyone unhappy or happy. And happiness is never on a continuum. No one is going down the street doing cart wheels are they? Life is hard - the first sentence in a self help book I read years ago. Only people living in fantasy land think life is all about happiness. Your husband is an infant - so was my mother. She ended up huge (obese), more unhappy than ever, depressed, lonely, isolated - so much worse off. Because she was always looking for external ways of being happy.
I'm not religious (I'm thinking about it, though) but I have read and took a religious study class in university. Not once did I read in any of the books or literature such as the Bible, Koran, etc about life being about happiness. Why? Because that notion is for children. Adults live in reality. Happy is fleeting - here one second, gone the next, here one moment, gone the next... You can be happy with your brain - your health - your mind - your helping animals... But to rely upon someone else - another feeble human? to be happy is just such folly and so ridiculous to even talk about..(ranting - sorry - hate the whole, I'm not happy, you don't make me happy...bullshit) It's all bullshit. Infantile and bull shit. You know who is happy? They say ignorance is bliss. So there you go - let him be ignorant and happy (he will never be happy - a happy person does not do the shit your husband has done to you - ever.)
Plus he is military. So he has to pretend you are the bad guy. The military people are supposed to have better standards and he is not living up to it! So you have to the bad one - he has no other choice in his warped brain. He wants to continue being a hero - even if he is an immoral fucked up one.
So - work out, eat healthy, lots of vegetables, keep looking amazing. If you need to lose weight - right now is the time - AMEN! A lot of betrayed lose weight immediately. Then they start gaining when they start getting better, but that's another story... Buy some cute clothes for your new figure. Go jogging around the farm. Go shopping all cute-like. Do your hair and put on some different make up. Get a make up class and learn new techniques. Take a class - maybe a language class - and learn something new and meet different people.
Stay away from the boyfriend, unless you can text him also. He sounds like someone still in la la land - totally out of it. You can't afford to stick around people like that - you need to be around more healthy, reality minded people who see exactly what is going on in the world around them. You are too much into the situation, as is he. You need to surround yourself with new people now.
But also remember the best quote ever: When someone shows you who they are - BELIEVE THEM!!!
Your husband keeps showing you and literally pushing it into your face. BELIEVE HIM.
[This message edited by mychild at 1:51 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
There is so much history rewriting..I should have married you..I was forced into marrying you..I was so unhappy..I didn't love you in years.
Rewriting history = Affair Talk
He sounds just like my brother who divorced his wife and told me that she was "a bad mother" and that is a direct quote.
Guess who was F'ing his secretary...well, that is, besides the two other married men who had been F'ing his secretary as well before the third married man began doing it.
Right! It was my brother...married man #3! Gosh, if his wife was a "bad mother" I guess he was father of the year, and his secretary was secretary of the year.
From all you say, this sounds like nothing but an affair, affair talk, and him protecting himself from complications with the military by denying it, while openly living it out.
And for sure he is unable to differentiate between real happiness vs the temporary high of inhaling a unicorn fart...
As another poster said, a happy person does not lie and/or cheat...
The other day I was at a beautiful nursery buying plants..
The man in the check out line before me was talking to the sales lady who was processing his purchase...
This man was buying his wife some surprises for her garden...He couldn't wait to get home with his goodies to see the surprised look on his wife's face..
I could tell from this man's demeanor that his wife wasn't needy for frequent material gifts... It wasn't her birthday or their anniversary..
What struck me was that he was SOO THRILLED that they had been married for 38 years and that he had her in his life to dote on..
He ENJOYED doing the stuff that would put a smile on his wife's face or make her laugh!
Waiting behind this man, listening to him smile and talk about his wife made my day...I walked out of the store inspired with a new appreciation of what happiness is and how to feel it...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:07 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]