Also, the xAP is on my mind alot lately. Is this normal during A season? Have others struggled with this? I read thru Maia's Survival Guide (again) today and every time I do, I always come away with something that helps. This morning, it was that I'm not really sowing any thoughts that reap an action. So I got off my butt and did a workout which is something I need to be doing and not just thinking about.
Anyway, if anyone has any advice for me or can relate how you dealt with this time, I appreciate it.
If there is any saving grace, it is that I always reflect on how I was thinking and how lost in inappropriate behavior I was. I find some comfort in looking at where I am now. Whereas last year at this point, I was willing to just let my marriage slip away, today I am fighting for it every day and doing all I can to earn back the trust and integrity that I gave away.
My struggles this time of year are definitely second to those of my wife, though. Giving her a timeline of everything that happened was an important step toward healing, but now she is acutely aware of all the anniversaries and her pain is terrible when she thinks about what she was doing last year at this time, blissfully unaware that I was meeting with OW behind her back. I really try to turn my suffering into empathy for how much worse this is for her.
I don't think I have any advice for what helps, but I wanted to let you know that I understand where you are and I'm right there with you.
You are a good person who did a bad thing. If you're owning that, and are trying to change, then it is also okay to feel positive, and forgive yourself. It comes in increments.
You are experiencing reality. And opposed to the fantasy of Affairland, feeling reality no matter how uncomfortable and painful, IS progress and healing. And that deserves some self slack.
I'm not sure about other BS's, but mine appreciated when I started bringing myself, broken and damaged as I was, back to her...and to us. Back to the reality of the beauty, and true love we share.
Hiding your feelings, shielding them, is an isolating and negative thing, IMHO.
You've been heard. And boys shouldn't give internet hugs to girls here, and visa-versa, but you have my empathy.
P.s. Don't forget xAP's represent fantasy, damage, & a broken unreality. Profoundly and sadly so...
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
I recently saw a fb post about some other friends who were going to see the same band/singer.
Made me start thinking of xap a lot too. But in the end I realized that I was thinking about what would have happend if I had not gone and seen him that night and started it all.
Pretty sure that is a good sign :
D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM
Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012
Working through all of this shit is definitely a marathon, not a sprint. The 2-5 years mentioned on the boards? Well, part of that (for many of us I think) is the WS working on things like this as well as the BS working on their own healing.
What I'm saying is that I think it is normal to go through what you are going through, especially during the A season. It isn't just a BS experience. It's what you do during this time to make it through that counts. Turning to your BH instead of giving in to the AP is a positive thing, even if your BH doesn't know it yet.
It took me a long time to finally see the truth of the AP and to separate that from the EA. They are two different things. My guess would be that you aren't really missing the AP, but rather the feelings and emotions you experienced during the A. I know we all say it is/was fantasyland, and I understand that, but at the same time, we all had those feelings and emotions. It was a real experience for us at that time. Putting them in perspective now, and figuring out why we needed them and why we are still associating them with some need inside of us is what's important now. the AP could be just about anyone when you look at it this way. The AP doesn't matter.