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User Topic: when does the affair start?
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's an affair when they do something the spouse wouldn't approve of and they knowingly do it anyway. They justify it to themselves and every progressive step towards the bedroom becomes a little easier.

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The moment they start doing/saying things they would never do/say in front of you.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
♂ Member
Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree that it's when they start keeping secrets. I also disagree that it's when they start doing things they wouldn't do in front of you.

For me, it's when they start doing things they SHOULD do with you. Whether that be a little too friendly with someone, share something personal that they should share with you, have a connection that should only exist inside a monogamous relationship.

the secrets come later.

BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW is flipping out about someone meddling in their personal business and she may need to file for hostile work environment. They need to know the name of who I got this info from because they need to deal with it on a personal level so it doesn't blow up.

Omg can you imagine the complaint?!? "I would never have suspected that cheating on my partner who is in an authority position over the married man I'm cheating with at our joint workplace would be NOTICED, and now that it has been, this workplace is suddenly and unexpectedly hostile! Waaah!"

Obviously she "may need to officially file" and "deal with it on a personal level" are two opposite things, the first meant to bully YOU, the second implying they intend to bully the person who told. Your WH is being so emotionally manipulative it's puke inducing. He's being a complete drama queen, first of all, and how on earth is he supposed to join a life-or-death team with another guy if he can't even NOT sleep with the guy's girlfriend? Please.

As far as that goes, the truth coming out and your WH having to face the consequences will be character building. He will have to man up. He's in LE - he can be a man and face his actions. Don't tell him or his sidepiece anything, and be honest in your background check interview. Asking you to lie for him and his girlfriend and implying your child will benefit from it is disgusting.


Now that that's out my system...


In my experience an A starts when you open the door to it in your head. It starts before anything happens. You have the choice to enforce your personal, mental and emotional boundaries when you feel a compulsion toward someone. You feel "something" and you make the choice to turn in the other direction -- or you make justifications to keep putting yourself in their path. In my experience it doesn't matter what that path actually is - it can be text messages, "casual" conversations about work, looks, a ride home, agreeing to join a team they are on at work, including them in your guest list for a party you're throwing, taking a different path back from the bathroom, whatever. All perfectly justifiable events from the outside (and there are internal contexts and states of mind when each of these could be innocent in a different scenario). It's the inside where the A is already starting. They have opened the door to the A way before the first touch or the first flirty conversation.

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it becomes an affair the moment a partner tramples on their partner's boundaries. For example, couple A might not view sex with someone else (with permission) as cheating, but couple B may be appalled by even the thought of it. I think it's less about the actual sex, and rather the dishonesty, lies, and manipulation that comes with an affair. The sex and emotional aspect is horrid, don't get me wrong, but the destruction of trust is what is the most damaging here.

Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When a spouse looks twice at another person and then lets themselves go over the boundary line... like complaining about a spouse to another...or looking for sympathy because of their marriage, as X did, instead of telling the actual spouse.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think an affair starts when one person lets go of that invisible bond that is the caring and commitment to your spouse.

The fact that everything may not be rosy in a marriage is not enough to allow many of us to let go. There is still a hope to improve, become more connected, to "be one" if you will.

Letting go is the first step towards stepping away from the marriage. It is ceasing to care, nurture and protect.

After that, the rest is easy.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 789 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's an affair once it is something they don't want spouse to find out or if they would not do something if spouse was present. And even then…I now know the first night my WH and his AP hooked up romantically was a night he started out with me and my friends but then took off to meet up with one of his friends. He was texting with AP about some party that was going to go on later that night and she asked him to meet her while he was at a table with all of my friends.While he was still there I even pointed out to him that one of the women at the table (a friend of someone there vs. one of my personal friends) was the woman involved in an affair with a guy we know. She happens to be unattractive. I remember texting this to my husband as he was across the table and he looked at me and made a wretching face and texted something to the effect of "are you sure X hit THAT?" Yes, even though I texted to him that night about someone else's extramarital affair craziness he decided to embark on his own. He was obviously out of his mind.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like others said, I think the moment it becomes a secret. I had a hard time classifying what my WS did. For a long time I believed it was just two days of inappropriate conversations between him and a coworker. Now looking back I realize it was an EA for months. He never told me what they talked about or even that they were e-mailing and facebooking many times every day. He deleted messages. He admitted he got turned on when they sexted. He may not have intended for anything to happen or felt "loving" feelings towards her but the fact is SHE obviously had feelings for him, he played into it for "attention", and he hid it from me. It was an EA.

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
♀ Member
Member # 35902
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally think it's an affair once they say/do things they don't want their spouse to know. Once they build that secret relationship and check out of the marriage emotionally.

Me: 33 mother to 2 girls
Him: 1 PA and 2 EA
Us: together 9 years married 5 years. Trying to work through this.
I refuse to commemorate D-Day

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tough spot, so sorry. This guy needs to be out of your life. IMO your issues are bigger than when did the A start. I hope you understand the gravity of what your WS is asking you to do and I truly hope you are not considering doing it for the 'sake of your family'. It's disgusting. He's in law enforcement and as such is held to a higher moral standard, among other things, than most. What you are helping him do is perpetuate a fraud against not just his employer, but the public. There is a reason they are running a background check. To, among other things, assess his character. If you do 'help' him, you will be in the mud with them. As a citizen of your community, I would be outraged if I found out there was anything amiss with this background check. I'm sure there are other ways to provide for your family and I hope you seek those out.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it's when they start doing things they SHOULD do with you. Whether that be a little too friendly with someone, share something personal that they should share with you, have a connection that should only exist inside a monogamous relationship.

This one. Totally.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1499 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 41076
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. It is a little depressing to realize how long it has been an affair even if he is in denial.

D day August 13, 2013
Me: 29
WH: 28
Together 13 years married 7 years
3 kids (5,3,10 months)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Rabecca
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