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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Question about childhood abuse
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those who have a history with issues in their FOO or who suffered some sort of abuse as a child, what have you learned about those events and the connection they have to your A?

Forgive me for prying.....that's not my intent. I just have read that a history of abuse is sometimes a common factor and want to see how that relates to A's.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Brandon808
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Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that my dad was a victim of abuse and he engage in A's. I do believe it played a factor.

Now I know not every abuse victim has A's but abuse victims often develop unhealthy and potentially self-destructive coping mechanisms.

IC would be a good place to get into these issues imho.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3651 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was abused as a child by two family members.

It definitely affected who I became, how I behaved and how I treated myself, also what treatment I accepted from others.

I used to joke that everyone elses thermostat for normal was set at 50 degrees and I didn't even register a temperature change until 100 degrees.

Not funny, it was true. I saw it but was not able to change it, until now. It is so damn hard. I often feel that I am being mean or too demanding when I stand up for myself. I am learning and will not give up now that I know.

It has taken me many many years to face the effect of this part of my life and to try to change the behaviors that this experience taught me were normal.

I didn't have an affair but I betrayed myself by allowing my husband to mistreat me and never protecting myself. I had no voice. I forgave cheaply and easily and did not value myself. Did not acknowledge the mistreatment, denied it was real.

I don't know if this helps at all but the one thing that I have learned this last year is that we carry our experiences with us. We learn lessons early that we may never question because that is all we know, we don't know there is more or different. We accept these lessons as truth and never question.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe my abuse caused me to betray my wife. The abuse was not a gun to my head and told me to do the things i did to hurt my wife in this manner.

I wouldn't have known i was abused (still hard to accept completely) - if it was not for IC - so i highly recommend it. I think right until getting onto my path of recovery - i was really messed up - and still am to a certain extent.

abuse victims often develop unhealthy and potentially self-destructive coping mechanisms
is absolutely correct ...
My abuse basically obliterated my sense of boundaries and self esteem. As a child when you are developing self esteem, setting boundaries, learning to be confident - that opportunity was lost. Before my despicable behavior - i believed i had to earn my love from everyone. Any sign of disapproval - equated to un-love from them. If someone didn't agree with me - that was me disappointing them in some way because i could not come up with something they agreed with. I allowed people to dis-respect and talk down to me - because i thought it was okay - i didn't like it, but i didn't know how to correct someone else - i didn't like confrontation and i believed i deserved it - i believed that if it was not deathly to me - it was okay. I believed i was always wrong - and everyone's disagreement or questioning me reinforced that belief. I worked hard to earn the approval from everyone - parents, family, friends, co-workers, etc. I had no ideal how to feel - i knew anger - but that was it. I was always in self preservation mode - i had no clue how to be vulnerable to anyone - let alone my wife.

You can see how my behavior made a mess of my relationship. Unknowingly, I expected my wife to be 'my' knight in shining armor - and i never told her about it. And when we had our arguments - the more i believed that she didn't respect me or love me - the more resentment i built - with no outlet. And once i started dealing with my pain in un-healthy ways .... the more arrogant and selfish i got ....

I learned that what happened to me and how i deal with relationships is not right. Strangely now - after doing what i did - i deserve it, so i am back in the same boat. You would think it's not too hard - since i have over 40 years of experience. But now, IC has helped uncover all this - taught me to have boundaries - but alas - i can't enforce them .... at least not with my BS.

It is a constant struggle to ignore your own boundaries when it comes to your BS .... after all, there is not and will never be any normalcy to our relationship. My BS says that this is only the case when she is hurting ....

I apologize for the long-winded response ....


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My former ap claims he was abused by a babysitter as a teen. He used that as an excuse for his behavior but honestly I think he was just a sex addict


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses.

So my next question is this: Were you aware of all the abuse you experienced, or was some of it blocked at first, and something that was uncovered through either therapy or something else?

I know these questions may seem a bit odd, but it is something that I have been wondering about lately.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
pointofnoreturn
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Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll assume childhood as under 18 years, so here goes.

As far as physical and sexual abuse, I never experienced that from my parents for the most part. When I was little, before 7, I was spanked for wetting the bed. I think this is what started my self-hatred and loathing. I don't know if I classify this aspect as abuse because the spankings occurred out of ignorance (apparently all children just LOVE wetting themselves to spite their parents). What I considered abuse was the gaslighting my dad did to me when the subject came up.

This among other things has led me to always doubt myself. I'm always looking for a second opinion on nearly every aspect of my life. ("Do I want to play Twilight Princess or Picross? Tell me what you think BBF.")

When I got older, I was socially isolated by my peers. My step-sister had told one of her "BFFs" about my bed wetting problem...and well, don't tell anyone I told you but so and so still wets the bed...so pretty soon, the whole school knew and didn't want to hang out with someone as smelly and unpopular as me. To put it into perspective of how bad this was, I literally had no one to sign my yearbook. I had to BEG for people to do it.

So mix in self-esteem issues, social anxiety, and a nice dose of loneliness, and you have an amazing concoction for a doormat. I might as well had a target painted on me saying "I'm easily taken advantage of!"

I wanted to latch on to any kind of attention I got that wasn't from someone immediately repulsed by me. However, boys at school saw this as an opportunity to take advantage of me. One guy in particular had "asked me out", and after much persuasion (ie constantly bugging me about it) I gave in and said yes. This is this "relationship" thing all the teenagers speak of right? I immediately regretted even agreeing to him. Day after day, when walking class to class, he'd have his hand in my pants, playing with me. He'd ask me if I like it. If just give a shrug or a nonchalant "yeah". I HATED IT. But at that point between all the bullying, I learned no one gives a shit about what I want. I'd go to school everyday, get picked on. "I don't like that." I'd say. TOO BAD, WHO CARES. Bullies would steal my stuff. "Stop it!" I'd cry. TOO BAD, NO ONE LIKES YOU.

My "relationship" stopped when school let out for the summer. Of course, this guy never did anything typical of a relationship, and probably just gave up since I was such a prude.

I started forming exclusively online relationships. It was a safeguard for me. I wouldn't have to be expected to do all those physical things, and I could actually be able to easily run away if I was approached by someone I didn't like back.

While I was 15, I met a guy from some forums we frequent. Our relationship lasted for about 5 years. I'd blame it on his Asperger's, but he was neglectful. Due to his neglect, I learned ways to get attention in negative ways. "I hurt myself today." "I'm depressed." And while yes, I did do these things and felt this way, it seemed like it'd be the only way to get attention from him.

I broke it off finally after realizing just how toxic it was. We're friends now, and I think that's more comfortable for the both of us. I went out with my BBF shortly after, and then after awhile, A#1 happened, and A#2 happened.

Sometimes I wonder if it was due to all of these things. Me feeling invalidated in being able to state what I do and don't want, me seeking attention in negative ways...maybe even due to the fact at the time my relationship with BBF was an LDR/OLR. I think it all mixed in the most horrible of ways. I guess the only reason a similar incident like my As didn't happen before was because I was still living with my parents, was sheltered, and had little in the way of social skills.

Did I do it for the attention? Or was it, I can't say no, but hey at least I'll have someone pay attention to me, even if its to just use my body!

To sum up:
Physical? abuse from my dad, as well as gaslighting, emotional neglect from my mother
Sexual abuse from several different guys. None went on for a long time, but there has been several occurrences ranging from 13 to present

I'd say they are related to my As on some level. I don't know if just fixing all of these will make my issues go away, but if anything, it'd get rid of a good chunk of the issue as a whole.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 5:04 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow point, you have been through so much. Thank you for sharing.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
helpemegetoverit
♀ Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was abused as a child (emotionally, physically and eventually sexually by a neighbor and then date raped in college). I knew I was but I both stuffed it way down and also minimized it ("it could have been much worse, people have it much worse" etc). I realize now that I have major major abandonment issues due to my childhood. Abandonment issues caused me to crave a certain type of unhealthy relationship, minimize red flags in said relationships/people and did have to do with my eventual affair. I realize now that I should have dealt with my issues years before instead of choosing a path of total destruction. I think because I broke my crappy relationship pattern I thought I had, but I realize now that when you have the type of life I had as a young person, it's almost inevitable that something in your life will have to give eventually (not necessarily an affair).

Not an excuse, my own fault for not dealing with my crap before marriage and dragging someone into this, but yes my abuse had a lot to do with me eventually having an affair.


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always knew the abuse occurred but never spoke of it or really even thought of it.

I told myself a story, " he was drunk, he didn't know who I was, so it doesn't count".

I was about 10 or 11 when it began. I told my sister she told me not to tell my mother because it had happened to her and she told and was called a liar.

I never spoke of it again until I was about 40?

On the phone with my oldest sister, she was questioning memories that she wasn't sure were real. I blurted out, "well he did it to me so he probably did it to you too".

It was odd, I almost felt shocked by what I said, as if I didn't know it before.

Of course I did know it but somehow put it away in a box. I suppose that is compartmentalization?

So I knew but I kind of didn't all at the same time.

After I knew life became a bit more challenging. I think I boxed it away again and am just beginning to recognize the effect that it had on me as a person.

If I had dealt with this sooner I believe I would have had a very different life.

Better late than never, at least now I have a chance.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Responding to your second question:

Were you aware of all the abuse you experienced, or was some of it blocked at first, and something that was uncovered through either therapy or something else?

My therapist says we deal with past trauma when we are strong enough, and not before. Our brains protect us that way.

When I was maybe 6-7 I was molested by an employee of my family's, he had access to me, and my parents (apparently) weren't aware of it. (ETA: clearly they weren't aware of the abuse, I mean they say now they didn't realize he had access to me.) I stood up to him around age 7 and said, "No more" and my brain promptly shut it away. When I was a teenager I used to ridicule the notion of suppressed memories. "Yeah right," I thought it was hogwash. Nope. The memories vividly came rushing back when I crossed paths with my abuser at age 18. I was too overwhelmed to do anything (like tell my parents or the police) so I pretty much rugswept and minimized it for the next 23 years. Till DDay made it clear that I needed to face it. Actually, I did work up the nerve to tell Mom a couple years ago, and she went completely blank and didn''t respond. After DDay when I asked why she shut down like that, she said she felt guilty, and that it was so long ago there was nothing to be done about it anyway. Can you say "FOO issues" people? Yeah, I came by rugsweeping honestly.

I believe my brother was also a victim of this POS pedophile. My parents sorta asked him about it (after DDay) and he says he doesn't even remember the guy. Which strains credulity because we saw him almost daily from (bro's) age 5-17. Which IMO supports my theory that he's still suppressing the memory and probably always will.

Interestingly enough, my therapist says I knew my parents well enough to decide at age 7 that *not telling them* was the right choice. She says if Mom had reacted then the way she did 30+ years later, it would've been even more devastating. And Dad had a temper (and lots of firearms), so he could've gone berserk and killed the guy and ended up in prison.

The brain is a wonderful and mysterious thing.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 11:51 AM, November 22nd, 2013 (Friday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))

I was sexually and verbally/emotionally abused as a child. I am a BS, but I'm seeing how these things from my childhood influenced me and I don't even realize it sometimes. These things really resonated with me:

I used to joke that everyone elses thermostat for normal was set at 50 degrees and I didn't even register a temperature change until 100 degrees.

My abuse basically obliterated my sense of boundaries and self esteem. As a child when you are developing self esteem, setting boundaries, learning to be confident - that opportunity was lost. Before my despicable behavior - i believed i had to earn my love from everyone. Any sign of disapproval - equated to un-love from them. If someone didn't agree with me - that was me disappointing them in some way because i could not come up with something they agreed with. I allowed people to dis-respect and talk down to me - because i thought it was okay - i didn't like it, but i didn't know how to correct someone else - i didn't like confrontation and i believed i deserved it - i believed that if it was not deathly to me - it was okay. I believed i was always wrong - and everyone's disagreement or questioning me reinforced that belief. I worked hard to earn the approval from everyone - parents, family, friends, co-workers, etc. I had no ideal how to feel - i knew anger - but that was it. I was always in self preservation mode - i had no clue how to be vulnerable to anyone

I knew I was but I both stuffed it way down and also minimized it

Holy crap.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 12:29 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2010
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to your second question ...
Were you aware of all the abuse you experienced, or was some of it blocked at first, and something that was uncovered through either therapy or something else?

I was beaten as a kid. I thought it normal - in spite of recalling one particular incident over other incidents - by scent. At my lowest and feeling the pain of what i had done - i could smell the scent constantly - it didn't go away until i finally got closure through family and therapy.

An interesting book that opened my eyes was 'Facing Codependence' by Pia Mellody. The book really shed light on ..

abuse victims often develop unhealthy and potentially self-destructive coping mechanisms

Even if you were not abused - the book helps shed some light on an interesting imbalance dynamic in relationships.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, thank you to those who replied. I appreciate you all sharing your stories and thoughts.

The reason I have asked these questions is I have been recalling certain events that happened during my childhood, and am wondering if it is something I need to look more into....I have been doing some research but still haven't found many answers.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 14

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