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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help me, help him understand...
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and help me understand too! How, after all the hours and hours of talking, IC (both of us) and MC and reading books, why do I feel like I am spiraling as D-Day anniversary approaches? Or why am I "going back" in time when I KNOW I can do better.

He approached me this morning saying that he feels I am having a tough time. Yes, I said. I expressed that with Dec. 6th coming up, I am feeling anxious, upset. It was the day that changed my life H. It was traumatic.

He gets this part of it but I think he wishes I didn't place so much importance on this one day given a) that for 2+ years his behavior was in the gutter and so to focus on this one day seems.....pointless (my word not his) and b) we have done so much work, experienced so much joy in the past 6 months especially that let's focus on that and the strength it brings us.

So yes. I don't want to be feeling this way. I have the ability to control my anxiety but am having trouble doing so. I need a voice of reason and experience! Back in Feb., or June or August, it was easy for me to not "go back in time" but now? Now, I can easily recall last year at this time. It's not hard with our real anniversary and both our boys' bdays to recall not just last year
but the years before that too/what he was doing.

So...am I making sense? The only other way I can describe it is when a loved one dies and you spend the entire year going, "last year at this time..." and then the anniversary of their death comes and in the days leading up to it and the day of, you might feel..... more. But I guess anyone who has lost a sig other through death will say that every day w/o them is difficult.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LA44)))

Lots of BSs feel this way around the antiversary. Lots. Most perhaps. So, cut yourself some slack. I would suggest that you tell your WH that you understand that your feelings may not be currently helpful for R, but they are legitimate and he can help a lot by being extra supportive and understanding at this time.

My H tends to want to "talk me out" of my down feelings as yours appears to be doing. As if you are consciously choosing to feel badly, and therefore, making him feel badly. I have to remind him that I am doing very well most of the time, which he freely acknowledges, but that I can't always master my emotions immediately. I also remind him that if he does not get defensive and just comforts me then I do bounce back faster.

That said, I may have told you that I took a different tact towards the antiversary and turned it into a celebration, what we called ALA for Authentic Life Anniversary, since that was the beginning of my H's journey towards authenticity and ours as a couple. He made all the plans, knocked it out of the park, and we had a wonderful night. I actually looked forward to it. We plan on celebrating this day every year.

I wish you well.

eta; like you, my Dday was over a year after the LTA ended, so there were no actual memories of OW around that date, just discovery.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 7:49 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The anniversary of a d-day is always tough. The 1st year being toughest and diminishing over time. Once you hit the d-day all events immediately after were filled with pain. We usually don't process all of it, but stuff it away. Now we come around to where the peak of the emotions were experienced on the anniversary. We don't initially feel that we are hurt like we were a year ago, but often as we start to think about where we were a year ago, the emotions and questions that were stuffed down are now rising to the surface. There is a reminder of how fragile trust is and all the trust that our WS has worked to regain we now question, knowing that it would take just another trickle truth or new violation to wipe out a years worth of work.

There is also some feelings of hopelessness as the realization that we are a year out and we can still feel the pain like when we just found out. There is a wonder of how much longer will it take before I feel like the day before d-day.

I would suggest that you try to be open with your feelings. Keep communicating with your WS and try to find the good in whatever changes have occurred to keep this from happening again.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52762 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Sad  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is 10-4-13. I am so not looking forward to next October.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LA,

I am going through the same, "on this day last year".

His a started in August 2012 and ended December 10, 2012.

Lots of painful dates, my birthday, our anniversary, dday, a long vacation, his 50th birthday, Thanksgiving, Halloween. Every day that was not just a "normal" day is stuck in my head and the days preceding and after are there also.

In the first days of this anniversary of a season I was proactive, made sure that I knew what day it was so I could be prepared, I was afraid of being caught off guard.

I handled them okay. Lately, though I have been trying to not remember, to ignore the past and live in present. Apparently that does not work for me. Being prepared was better and maybe that is why I thought I would be okay if I did not pay attention.

Yesterday and today are the antiversaries of dday 2, almost worst at the time than dday 1 because of events and the sense of cruelty.

Anyway, yesterday I was not prepared. About 4pm, at the sun was starting to set, the change of light? I was at work, made plans to go out with women from work, just an okay day, then it hit.

Not a conscious thought in my head prior, bam, like a wave crashing over me, heart pounding, dizzy, nauseated, super human effort not to just start sobbing, the memory was there before I knew what hit me.

I had to cancel plans, go home and cry.

After this long winded post, my point is, for me any ways it is good to be prepared, acknowledge that on "this day last year", trying to ignore it and being blindsided is harder.

It is a natural thought process when you are grieving I believe, to remember the time it happened. My grandmother passed away when I was 9, we were so close, she was my only safe place in the world, it was one week after Thanksgiving, on a Thursday. I was at Girl Scouts, came home and my sister told me in our bedroom, I collapsed crying between our twin beds, I am 54 now, this time of year I still remember our last Thanksgiving. I still can recall that feeling of abrupt pain, all these years later it still hurts, I still miss her.

It seems that when there is a break with someone you love, by death or by betrayal there are still emotional threads that attach both the good and the pain.

If we did not love we would never experience this pain.

Be gentle with yourself, just feel what you do when you do. Maybe if you talk about it with your husband before the days come the days won't carry so much power.

Apparently I have not talked enough because if I had this post would not be so long!

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and to perhaps spare you a mistake that I made. Ignoring only made it worse, expecting too much of yourself only makes you feel worse.

I was fortunate that it was the end of the day when it hit and that I was a short drive from home and not sitting an hour away in a restaurant with women who would have thought I was a complete lunatic if I lost it there!

Is that my silver lining? I suppose I will take it as one, every little thing in this new world.

Hugs to you. Thanks for bringing this up. Hope I did not t/j too very much. I really needed to get this out and some how could not find the focus or energy, so thank you.

(((LA)))


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing, how to make him understand? Wish I had the answer to that.

Has he lost anyone suddenly? I know the death is very similar. My grandmother especially, I trusted her more than anyone in my life. That belief that she really loved me and would never, never hurt me and would protect me from anyone that would. She did do that for me, protected me from those that hurt me.

The specific days of realization, why they hurt, conjure painful feelings and memories, that is hard to explain.

It was life altering, traumatic, shocking, like waling into an alternate reality. How can you not feel grief on the anniversary of the day your life changed?

You celebrate the anniversaries of the wonderful things in life, hold on to those memories, they are a part of you. I think it will take time passing to be able to not feel the sting of the bad.

My h saw my pain but I don't think he really understands it. He felt bad, expressed sorrow that I had to relive it. Unfoturnately I am still waiting for the sorrow for making me live it the first time. Felt kind of empty.

I hope your husband gets it and what you need.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi - I am having the same problems as you are.
A year ago today.................. and that will go on until January 1st which marks the day my Ws returned home. Everyday from Oct 17th until then is a living reminder of the turmoil that I went through without him. And how to make him understand????? We talked about that this morning before he left for work. I tried to explain how I remember every second (it seems that way, but I know that's not true) and he can't seem to remember what he did today while he was living with OW. He wants to avoid it like crazy because he knows there is a good chance it'll put me over the top and I'll start screaming and crying, but I told him that I need to live through it with HIM. I need this - I don't know why, but I do. Maybe if you explain this to your WS it might help. Mine seems to get it now, but we'll see what happens tonight when he returns home from work. I don't expect him to remember everything but today is very significant in what happened during our separation and he sure as hell should remember what he did today. I know he doesn't want to tell me certain stuff because he knows it will hurt, but I need to know it....I need to relive it with him. Don't know why, but I need it. End of story.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, LA. It's hard to figure out how to deal with an antiversary when R is going well and the WS is so remorseful.

My first one in January 5th. I'm not going to try to be strong. I've been strong and positive for so many triggers and difficult days. On our first post d-day anniversary, I focused on all the work my H has done, our "new" marriage, our better future together etc. (I did not dwell on our last anniversary, which he forgot, or on the fact that he had sex with OW two days after forgetting.) We had a special get-away anniversary weekend and it was all fine. But now I'm paying for what I think was a little rug sweeping. I'm looking back and feeling resentful that my H didn't know how much energy it took for me to be cheerful and in-the-moment that weekend. I won't wear the gift he got me and don't want to talk about it.

I think I need to give myself permission to mourn, and maybe you do too? To get all the sobs out (which I haven't done since a few weeks past d-day). The problem for me is that when I go there with my H, he breaks down too and then I can't help but comfort him. His remorse is so powerful, his loss is even worse than mine, and my heart just hurts even more for him.

So, I'm thinking maybe I'll take a walk by myself that day and go back in time and be sad. Once that's over with, I'll have renewed strength to celebrate the present and plan for the future.

Maybe we place so much importance on that day because we need an official touchstone to allow us to stop and go back and mourn.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses this far. I just want to clarify two things,

1) H has owned this since D-Day and got progressively more sorry as the days went on. Now when it comes up, the look of sorrow on his face is actually apparent.

2)He has never said "let's move on, LA!"

Not that any of you were insinuating that but just thought I would add it. I have quoted below, your thoughts - the ones I think will resonate with him. He said he would be happy to read them and do whatever he can do to make this time easier.

@ catlover

My H tends to want to "talk me out" of my down feelings as yours appears to be doing. As if you are consciously choosing to feel badly, and therefore, making him feel badly. I have to remind him that I am doing very well most of the time, which he freely acknowledges, but that I can't always master my emotions immediately. I also remind him that if he does not get defensive and just comforts me then I do bounce back faster.

Like you, I too am doing well most of the time and I think my posts on SI back that up. But true. I can't always master my emotions. And maybe that's all it is right there.

I like your ALA plan catlover and I do recall reading it. This year, we will be doing the hockey travel thing w our boys so it will be quite a different experience then last year and perhaps a good thing that we will be with our boys.

from MovingForward...this is why you are a "guide" I was going to highlight your entire post but this part stuck....

Once you hit the d-day all events immediately after were filled with pain. We usually don't process all of it, but stuff it away. Now we come around to where the peak of the emotions were experienced on the anniversary. We don't initially feel that we are hurt like we were a year ago, but often as we start to think about where we were a year ago, the emotions and questions that were stuffed down are now rising to the surface. There is a reminder of how fragile trust is

And true. I won't feel as badly as I did last year but I will still think of them - I am now. I have asked many, many questions and many of them I asked a half dozen times. If I have a question, I will ask. It gets harder to ask tho as he has been so wonderful and going back there seems like punishment even though that is not my intent.

@bobf - just a ((hug))!

@ cantaccept....

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and to perhaps spare you a mistake that I made. Ignoring only made it worse, expecting too much of yourself only makes you feel worse.

Thank you for this! I am a big proponent of talking it out. Not ignoring feelings so, I should take my own advice.

The specific days of realization, why they hurt, conjure painful feelings and memories, that is hard to explain.

and this....by reading this he can nod his head and go, "okay." I see what you are trying to tell me.

It was life altering, traumatic, shocking, like waling into an alternate reality. How can you not feel grief on the anniversary of the day your life changed?

You also asked if he has lost someone recently. He lost an uncle earlier this year. Quite suddenly. They were not close but he was a good guy and my H cried a lot that day. But on the flip side, my H is on a great roll in life right now. He just finished his first marathon - the NYC marathon, we live in a small town so many people know and he has been getting lots of congrats and praise. He has been doing well at work and he just loves his family - me and our boys. He is in a much better place then he was last year and certainly the year before when the A was just about done. I too like many things about our life right now. But I have the pain of deceptive to wrangle with. He doesn't. He's actually in a much better place overall.

Hugs to you too devastated30!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I'm thinking maybe I'll take a walk by myself that day and go back in time and be sad. Once that's over with, I'll have renewed strength to celebrate the present and plan for the future.

that's a nice idea, SG.

Maybe we place so much importance on that day because we need an official touchstone to allow us to stop and go back and mourn.


....maybe..
thank you for your post, SG.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LA44)))

The only other way I can describe it is when a loved one dies and you spend the entire year going, "last year at this time..." and then the anniversary of their death comes and in the days leading up to it and the day of, you might feel..... more.

You are totally on base here LA44.

I know my wife thought I was over dramatic when I answered her question "How did you forgive me?"

I don't have an exact path to how I got to foriveness....I remember this thought I posted. "Forgivenss came as a whisper to me".

But, I do know part of the process was acceptance...and this was part of my answer to my wife...

"Our original M died when you choose adultery. Once I accepted this, I was able to reach forgiveness."

ACCEPTANCE DOES NOT EQUAL FORGIVENESS. Just wanted to be crystal clear on that point...as I spent much time with these two actions and know them intimately....they are very different creatures.

One of my favorite definitions of acceptance is "giving up all hope of a better past." Once we accept the fact that a trauma has actually occurred, we can then heal from the pain of that trauma. But until we FULLY accept the depth of that trauma, we can not FULLY heal. Perhaps this is why it takes 2-5 years to heal from the trauma that is adultery. It is writtent that it is one of the most severe traumas a person can go through...exceeding that of an actual death of a family member.

Until we can fully accept what adultery did to us (really,all involved) the pain and suffering will continue. You hear of people who just can't seem to get past the death of a loved one....I wonder if part of their struggle comes from their lack of accepting that a loved one has actually passed?

I see on here not all BS feel as if their M died on DD....but mine did.

I say this because for the following 2 months after my DD I very much felt the grief a person feels when a loved one passes. I was in shock, the whole how could this happen type of shock. Then I recalled the good times of our M pre-A...consoling myself that we "had a good life", just like we do when we console others who experience a death in the family. Then I focused on the positives....

I won't explain the easy to understand grief process...we all know how that flows.

Point is, for me anyway, DD marked the death of my M.

We are all guilty of not nurturing our marriagein multiple ways...but the day our spouses committed adultery....KNOWINGLY choose to dissolve their vows to their spouse....a M dies. It is my opinion this death occurs even when a fWS immediately turns from their sin and repents. In my sitch...my wife fully embraced her sin upon my DD and rapidly took her EA to the PA level....all other things be damned...including our M.

LA44....I believe you were spared this path of adultery in your marriage. Appears your husband was remorseful and repentent from the start. But I have sensed from you, other than your fWH actions immediately following your DD, that your journey through this pain is similar to mine. This is what I base my opinon that, while the remorseful actions help reduce the pain, the initial pain of DD is the same for all of us.....that "death-grief" occurs in all of us.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:39 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LA

YAHOOO!! The year of “firsts” is just about done.

Exciting isn’t it?

Oh, wait, no? You don’t have that yet?You can, if you turn the date around.There will be no more firsts. The pain will lessen with each day that passes, remember that.

IMO it hurts so much because it brings you back to a place you never thought you would be. With no warning you were standing in a pile of sewerage with no wading boots in sight.

But look over the past year. What HAS it given you? What good have you found? Without even knowing you IRL I can say you have found LA again. You have found a happier, healthier LA. One who greets her days with optimism and joy. One who takes a struggle, examines it and lets it slide out of sight.

You have loved your children and continue to raise them to be healthy, strong emotionally aware individuals.

You have a stronger marriage now than you did last year at the same time.

You have learned that whatever gets thrown at you, you can take it, work it and throw it right back.

Yeah, it’s been a tough year LA, but with all you have gotten from it, I would say you are better in spite of it.

Greet December 6th with a smile and say good-bye to all the sad firsts, and continue to make happy ones.

Love and strength to you in the upcoming weeks my friend.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all experience life, at least in part, as timing and sequence, but for some people, timing and sequence are primary or close to primary. For me, something in my life has to be pretty cataclysmic for me not to know exactly when it happened.

D-Day was so disastrous that it the date is carved into my brain, and the runup to the antiversaries have been hellish. (This year was going better than years 1 or 2, but yesterday turned into ell, and today isn't much better - 3 years out.)

If you're like me in this respect, your pain during the runup to the antiv makes sense.

The one saving grace for me is that life has gotten a lot better on my first 2 antivs, and I expect it will on the 3rd.

And what Moo said.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling better today. It's a relief to not be in that sad, lonely state. My H and I spoke again this morning. We both agreed that talking about the sadness, pain, etc. altho difficult, brings us closer.

I expressed how I used to love the fall - I still do really. But now its something else too. It's when the A started. It would have been an anniv. of sorts of them too meeting up at Conf. every year. Which was then followed by our boys' bday, and our Anniversary. These are special times that he could not have fully participated in in 2009-11. I have to accept that. I do accept that.

He said he did not have a chance to look at SI yesterday. I am fine with that, just would prefer he say that upfront, "LA I was really busy today but this is impt to me and I will look at today."

Having said that you have all written some helpful things and so thanks for taking the time to do that.

Going to the gym now. Ds2 turns 7 tomorrow so I better be clear-headed for his party of 12!

Have a good day


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 14

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