My H, who has been amazing, is crazy busy right now. I mean, only surgeon, all the emergency call, writing talks for a conference in Tokyo next month (that I get to go to--yay!), having to prepare for and testify in a lawsuit brought against the surgeon who has left (doing that as we speak actually), recovering from pneumonia, and now to top if off my folks are here. (Just writing that made me feel sorry for him all over again!). In spite of that he has continued to show me love and appreciation, tries to write and prepare late at night so he can spend time with me, etc. However, obviously we don't have as much time together and he is distracted and exhausted.
And poor little me is feeling triggery.
I know intellectually how things are and hate to even add any other burdens onto him, but my mind is starting to wander again and I'm having a hard time righting myself as usual. I hate to be so needy and I continue to work, talk to my folks (who don't know) and plan for the holidays, walk my pets, exercise, see my friends, etc. But...I miss my H and I'm struggling just a little.
I asked him a question last night for the first time in months. It was almost an accident. He got a bit defensive, but then quickly calmed down and asked for a "mulligan" to answer when he wasn't so distracted and then he held me until I fell asleep.
For now I'm just moving forward and know that things will improve but just thought I'd shout out for a little support.
Thanks so much.
His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.
So, perhaps the most important thing is to tell yourself that you are not alone, and what you are feeling is 100% normal; it doesn't signify anything. Let your husband in on your feelings, and ask for his help in as much as he is able to give it. Sometimes it is impossible (like, when my H went to India on business, was crazy busy & working 2 jobs, and there was a huge time difference.) Ugh.
Probably during the affair, your H was distracted and distant like now (at least mine was) so that can be triggery as well. I am glad that you are asking him for help, maybe he can work a little extra "love" into the day that might make you feel more secure -- a text? An email? A post-it? If you can think of it, and make it a discrete task, most surgeon- and engineer-types like that.
Hugs to you -- this too, shall pass.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:39 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
My H actually ran my bath Wednesday morning and joined me to "start my day right" (as he puts it). He makes sure to text first in the am with loving words, but the rest of the day has managed just a few lines. We did get our Sunday night bubble bath, etc in. He truly is doing all I could ask, but instead of hours cuddling together and relaxing and laughing, he squeezes it in between other demands.
I'm hoping our Tokyo trip will give us some much needed time together, but he is speaking.
Oh well. I'll survive. Thanks all, for your support!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
You do know that you don't always have to be strong and positive, right? Would you feel better if you had a good cry, or a good vent session with a friend?
Or sometimes it helps me to remember that life got me down sometimes pre-A, so it's a normal cycle. Now I know that when things get better again, it's going to be really, really good because the connection with my H is so much deeper.
Coincidentally, I asked my H an A question last night for the first time in a couple of months. A sex question. He started to answer, but I didn't understand, and we got into an area that where we've only scratched the surface before (dealing with the mentality of an abuse victim). As far as I can tell, he triggered and needed to take a break from the conversation. Plus, it was so late, and he is working very long hours right now. We had to table it and sleep.
Basically, I hear you and you're not alone.
I feel your pain, catlover50 (and I am also a cat lover... the spoiled silver tabby sitting between me and the keyboard can back me up ). My WH works overtime and has class 2 nights a week... It sucks being triggery when you have company... and they don't know. Only my sister and BIL know...
And you're right, sailorgirl; I don't always have to be strong and positive. I sure wish I had some IRL SI types.
Thanks again all!
Sorry you are in a tough spot.....hang tougher!
Post often.....we all got your back.
God be with you.
That is the kicker about healing from an affair life goes on.
And that is hard isn't it? I mean, damn hard, really difficult BUT, ironically at the same time, I guess makes us focus on things other than the A too. It is, however, more difficult when it's our WS's who are caught up in real life issues which may prevent them from feeling (at least to us) as close as they could/should be.
My H and I have 'other stuff' going on now - some of it exciting but some quite stressful. He was made redundant from a really well paid job on 1st October which has added to my fears about security in our future - I never used to worry about financial things pre A but since he ripped our lives apart I've had trouble thinking about a future which may not be 'safe'. Excitingly - he has an interview today!! and I'm hoping and praying that it will be the job for him, he has worked so hard for it.
It seems to me, catlover, that your H isn't completely unaware of you and the little touches - running your bath for instance, Sunday night bubble bath - are signs that he's still hanging in there for you.
I hope you are buoyed by the support from the wonderful people here on SI - your words have supported me in the past and I am sending you my 'virtual' hugs and strength right now!
UKlady--I hope the interview went well. And yes, I feel that my H is aware and doing his best. I'm also trying to support him as much as possible. The other night he got home late and I made him a grilled cheese and sat and talked to him. He said I was the most giving and supportive wife in the world.
I am so helped by all the support here. And today after various errands, etc, I hope to just read a fun book and relax.