I was hit by a wave of sadness walking home from work today. Thinking I have absolutely no wish to celebrate Valentine's Day next day. My WH was in the affair at the time last year, with my friend. On the day, he stayed out drinking then came home drunk- and I asked him who he was with as I had a strong suspicion it was her, which he denied. I wish I had listened to my gut. I know he was talking to her that day. I still don't know what they were saying.
Instead, I spent the night trying to make him love me. Went for dinner. Held hands. Had very rough sex (which made me think, "Wow, he hates me"). He had told me a week before ILYBINILWY.
He left me the next day. And even though things are good, I walked home thinking about all the things his A has taken from me. Dates, songs, feelings, meanings.
When I got home, I was very quiet, noticably grumpy. I decided to tell him how I was feeling and why. I don't think I can be any kinder.
He sat in utter silence. Didn't say a word. I was waiting to be shouted at.
When about 15 minutes passed of him just not speaking, I picked up my laptop and went into the bedroom. I'm still here now. He's making dinner before he goes to work.
I want to talk to him, to ask for a hug or something- but it won't make a difference. Right now I just feel utterly devastated. I'd been feeling good but get hit by the, "this is my life. This happened to me and I didn't do anything to deserve this, I didn't even know it was happening when it was".
I hate this. And I would love someone to talk to about this but he is mostly amazing and I don't want anyone to think otherwise, and also most people think I should be, "over it" by now. I feel so lonely.