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User Topic: he doesn't~ why do I ?
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty simple question but long story before it( sorry) .. WH & I were having an argument yesterday.. we're dealing with more disability stuff with him & as I'm the one who does the paperwork it seems ( to me) that I'm bearing the brunt of the stress.. In fact, when we received a pretty bad letter from his insurance company, I was super stressed & him? he went for a nap.. which infuriated me.. (okay, so his disability makes him extremely 'zoned' & he HAS to nap.. medically documented but still!)

Well, yesterday I was attack dealing with writing letters not only to the insurance but to our attorney & I started to have a bad anxiety attack, shaking the works! WH made a rude comment.. I don't remember what the comment was exactly but it was on the order of "here we go again" (but much nastier) & how I 'make' myself get stressed

I lost it!! I started to yell at him that for once I would love to have him show compassion to me, to show appreciation for me.. I went on & on & then as is my MO (no 2x4's needed, I KNOW it's wrong) I bring up how he was sooo concerned when OW had a panic attack (over me calling her & threatening to tell her BH) & had to be hospitalized due to suicidal tendencies & how he came home from being with her in the ER & told me if I EVER tried to call her husband or do anything to hurt her, he would kill me!!!

I went on & on for a good half hour of all the things he did & feelings he had for her but can't seem to feel/do for me..

I then told him that I regret not letting her put him in jail & me not filing HIPAA against her.. It went on & on until at one point he said that he was 100% wrong in the A & that it was the biggest mistake he made & then he said "I never EVER think of her.. not at all, it's like she doesn't exist, she's a mistake I want to forget. I only think of her when YOU bring up the A" & you know I did believe him.. But my question in this long long vent is.. If he can forget about her & never think about her, why can't I???

I probably think about the OW EVERY day.. especially if WH says something mean or a trigger happens.. Why can't *I* forget about her.. I know I'll never ever forget the A or the hurt but why can't I put her out of mind???


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably think about the OW EVERY day.. especially if WH says something mean or a trigger happens.. Why can't *I* forget about her
I'm pretty sure you just answered your own question. It's because when he starts acting like a shitty person, you're reminded that he was in fact a shitty person who stabbed you in the back with the help of another equally shitty person whom he treated a hell of a lot better than he's treating you at this very moment. If you ask me, he deserves having it thrown back in his face EVERY TIME he regresses like that. Why should you carry the burden of the bad feelings his actions have bred? Dump his shit right back in his lap every time.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Philly,

Just a suggestion -
Maybe you can wait until after WH's nap...and work on the Insurance Letter together - This way: You won't be accepting all the responsibility of the Disability Paperwork, yourself.
I'm sure you have other things you can do - while he naps.
THEN, pershaps: The stress and anger won't build to the point you're so upset.

When you aren't upset: You must tell your husband -- His rude comments are "triggers" and you will not tolerate this type of behavior from him. BY NOW - he should understand!!

Your OW Question is complex...not simple.
Many of us BS have a very difficult time putting the affair, and especially the OW completely out of our minds.
BUT - after this much time since the end of your husband's affair:
If OW is still something "you think about almost EVERY DAY"....OR, if your husband makes you angry/upsets about a NON-AFFAIR INCIDENT (like the paper-work regarding his disability) --And your reaction is to rage about his past affair and the OW: Then something is terribly "OFF."

Both of these behaviors are not healthy for you: 1) Having daily thoughts about the OW
2) Relating current "problems" with your husband - BACK TO HIS AFFAIR: When the current issue/incident (problem) is not affair-related.

I'm sincerely sorry for the continued pain you're going through.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 9:28 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes hard work to make the OW a non-entity in your head.

You have to want it
You have to forcefully resist the urge to "check up" on her
You have to mentally put hr in a bos and push her our of your head
You have to slam the door in her face when she pops into your head.
And did I mention that you have to want it?

YOu have been obsessing about this woman for years. What she is doing, what her mothr is doing, what she is posting on FB.

At some point YOU have to say "Enough!" And then you have to mentally work on making her nothing. Nothing at all. Her presence on this earth has helped no one and when she dies not a single soul will miss her presence. You not only have to tell yourself that, you have to BELIEVE it. Really and truly believe it. Because the fact is, she is nothing.

I was able to make OW a nothing many years ago. I needed to do that for my own healing at the time. She was taking up WAY too much space in my head. It was a lot of work, mental work, to make it happen but it did happen. A couple of months ago I realized that even after all of these years I was obsessing about X. Thinking about him and getting pissed every day. And a couple of months ago I finally said "Enough". So not, when a thought of X comes into my head, I mentally put him into a shoe box and put him on a mental shelve. I cannot kick him out of my head like I did OW because of DD. But I sure as hell and put him on a shelf!! And just that one mental exercise has really helped me. I don;t think about him every day anymore and when I do I am able to push it away.

HTH
(((philly)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Philly, you're dealing with a spouse who has a brain injury, so cut yourself some slack. You're also dealing with someone who was an asshole before the brain injury, so you've got unresolved anger. Now, when he's an asshole, you don't know if it's his former personality or his brain injury. It's emotional blackmail.

Addressing the issues of dealing with insurance and attorneys, look at it as helping you live a more normal life, not helping your spouse. You need the insurance money to pay the bills and the attorney to advocate for you.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19795 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Everyone..

Dare- you are 100% correct.. pushing EVERYTHING to relate to the affair is wrong but I do it ALL the time..

As for your 'work on it after his nap' suggestion , that doesn't work because NO time is a good time for him... He simply can't put thoughts on paper , or wont, I'm still not sure which.. which is another anger point for me, I don't know how much of his inabilities are due to his illness or simply pushing it off on me.. He does have a terrible time writing as his hands don't work but as for helping put the thoughts in a letter.. he just doesn't..

I do force him to make phone calls ( when he's having a good speech day) & it usually goes well but writing & things like that just don't happen..

YOu have been obsessing about this woman for years. What she is doing, what her mothr is doing, what she is posting on FB.

that is SO true!! I tell myself I am doing it to 'check up on her' to make sure WH isn't on her mind when if I were totally honest with myself, I am sure he doesn't cross her mind as she doesn't cross his .. but yet *I* still think of her. Maybe it's because of the power she had over him.. how even after she filed harassment charges, he still ran to meet her when she called... I guess I think there is still unresolved feelings that could crop up.. Yes, I know probably silly as it's been 5 years with 0 contact...

Philly, you're dealing with a spouse who has a brain injury, so cut yourself some slack. You're also dealing with someone who was an asshole before the brain injury, so you've got unresolved anger. Now, when he's an asshole, you don't know if it's his former personality or his brain injury. It's emotional blackmail.


that is so true! Like I said above.. I know he has a LOT of limitations.. (mainly physical) but how many are real & how many are fake..

I know a lot of it is simple stress.. & as soon as I can get on the healthcare website.. I will be getting health insurance.. & hopefully get into counseling or on meds as I know this stress isn't just normal stress..

for example DD turned 16 yesterday ( she's my baby.. & she's 16!!! ) & she had a group of close friends over for pizza & cake .. well, they were playing hide & seek ( they called it something else, a teen name but I'm old & to me it was hide & seek ) Well, DS1 also came from college for Thanksgiving break so he & I left to run to Wal Mart ( WH & DS2 were here to 'chaperone') & as we were coming home one of the girls was leaving & her Mom was parked in my driveway so I told DS to drive past & come back around.. well, I look toward my house & see my dog at the front door.. Now this dog is a Great dog but I immediately had a panic attack that the dog was going to run out the door & get hit by a car ( I live on a SUPER busy road) .. I was literally shaking when we got home See, odd anxiety attacks..


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
MakingLemonade
♀ Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad for you, philly172, that you will soon be able to take care of yourself through health insurance. Please take advantage of it.

but yet *I* still think of her. Maybe it's because of the power she had over him.

Gently saying-

But you are giving her power over you through your thoughts. You are allowing her to continue to destroy YOUR peace.

I don't know your whole story so please forgive me if I am being insensitive. I am gathering from what has been said here you are a few years post A. It's a conscious decision, takes an incredible amount of discipline, and a length of time for the thoughts of OW/M to fade. Are those feelings of resentment less strong, less frequent, and less in duration than in the beginning? Perhaps you have come further along than you realize. I tend to measure all vs. nothing. But when I look at it in this way, a more realistic way, I've come a long way, Baby!


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently saying-

But you are giving her power over you through your thoughts. You are allowing her to continue to destroy YOUR peace.

I don't know your whole story so please forgive me if I am being insensitive. I am gathering from what has been said here you are a few years post A. It's a conscious decision, takes an incredible amount of discipline, and a length of time for the thoughts of OW/M to fade. Are those feelings of resentment less strong, less frequent, and less in duration than in the beginning? Perhaps you have come further along than you realize. I tend to measure all vs. nothing. But when I look at it in this way, a more realistic way, I've come a long way, Baby!

No, you are not being insensitive at all.. you are right.. I am allowing her to have much more power than she deserves in my head.. but I do blame WH for that as well. He is the one who put her in my head in the first place, he is the one who hasn't truly shown me he wants to R.. (I think we're both here because it's the only thing we have)

I don't have that 'ick' feeling when I do happen upon something about her (her Dad is on our local TV a lot & that triggers me, her Mom is CEO of a company that runs tons of commercials that star her DD & BH) but I don't want to think about her at all..

You know my EXH cheated twice (married OW#2) & in both instances I was able to never think of either OW & in fact, the first time I thought of OW #1 in over 20 years is when I saw her obituary. I can even run into EXH & OW2 & not feel anything... but WH's Ow.. AAARGH!!!


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
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