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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Can you truly fall deeply in love again?
VeryUncertain
♀ Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm assuming so, as it appears some people here have...and I guess it's the reason why exes can sometimes be a threat.

I just feel like I'm dying an excruciatingly slow death over here. It has been over a year since he started, at minimum, an EA with a younger girl that worked for him. Then he left in early February of this year and admittedly had a short-lived PA with some other girl that was a friend of a friend. According to him, that "woke him up" and he did not feel that he was acting appropriately and he decided to come home.

Well, that's great, but I was (yay me?) amazing at the 180 / NC. I detached. Finally, this summer, my attorney said I could date if I wanted...that I was obviously ok and I would not be penalized in the divorce at that point if I sought other company. So I did. I was extremely happy and all my fears of not being wanted since I have two tiny kids went away. My self-esteem came flooding back and...so did my husband.

He's sorry. And he does seem to be trying quite hard. But it's not like he's expressing his undying love to me every minute of every day and he's currently working with the coworker (this week, out of town) that started all of this. She still works for him and I suppose it's inevitable...but at least she's leaving in March. He's being good about calling me and I truly don't feel like anything is going on (and believe me, I am the most suspicious person on the planet these days). But I also don't know how I rekindle my own feelings for him. I loved him so deeply and now? I would like to love him but I'm not sure I do. I guess, honestly, I feel like I'm done but would like some magic bullet to work things out so, at a minimum, we could be blissfully happy for the kids and stay a complete family.

The kids are fine. We don't fight in front of them. We don't really fight at all. He travels so much that I'm pretty much a single mom and I put on a happy face for my precious kids. I just don't really feel anything anymore but I guess I would like to.

Is there any hope? Sadly, I feel like I did a really good job detaching and I'm just not sure I can feel love or respect or any of the things I really need to feel for him again. Maybe it just takes time? I suppose I'll feel better after this horrible girl leaves the company. Ugh. I would also say that I think he feels like nothing he ever does will be enough to make up for everything...and he's probably right. I'm trying so hard to let it go and give him a break but I'm not sure I'm as good at that as I was at detaching.

I would love thoughts and advice! Thanks!!


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Veryuncertain.

I think it's a little coincidental that he comes back claiming to have undying love for you once you start your life without him?

If you are interested I would go very slowly....

good luck!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3763 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that having some kind of expectation for specific feelings might set us up for a big letdown.

To me, love looks/feels different as time progresses, regardless of what happens in the relationship.

I say just walk the path and hope that you will someday have feelings for him that bring you some level of contentment. I've seen many couples reconcile and look at each other adoringly again.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16282 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi VeryCertain. Like karmahappens, I think it is very telling that he has discovered he L you after you are no longer interested in him.

This reminds me of something I read on another thread about the old dog wanting its forgotten bone when it sees another dog chewing on it. He sees you having a good time and not pining over him, and now he wants you back.

I'd not worry about whether you can FIL with him or not. You seem content in your life, and you should just take things one day at a time. Spend time with him if you want to, and don't worry about it if you don't fall back IL with him again. If it happens, it happens.

Just take care of you and your precious children.

((((VeryUncertain))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
VeryUncertain
♀ Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the thoughts. I agree - he came back when I moved on. But don't a lot of people do that? Are all those people unsuccessful at R? (I don't know - I'm really asking.)

I honestly feel like he'll be faithful for a bit and then cheat again. And then I'll leave. I do feel like I'm on a sinking ship. I've kind of thrown in the towel. BUT I want to work it out because it's healthier for the kids AND, I think, healthier for us if we can just do it. I'm just not sure how. On the other hand, I'm infinitely patient with the kids and animals but maybe not so patient with life in general so maybe I just need to wait it out a bit. Time just seems to drag on these days! But maybe the utopia I'm seeking doesn't really exist. It needs to get better than this, though!!

Reality check, anyone? :)


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
Topic Posts: 5

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