Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: dink (44972)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Oh God help me I think I've got another Dday coming
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a bad place this a.m. Like I'm feeling a punch in my gut and just this sick sick feeling. I guess I've known. Known all along that aside from all the different PAs and EAs over the years this is like the first one (that I found out about). LTA where he abandoned us. DD was 15mnths. and 3 boys were 5,5, and 6yrs.

How could I have known this in my head, even paid "lip service" to the idea that of course he's seeing someone - but it is just finally really hitting me this morning????

Not sure if this is really a Dday since we've been separated since August (false R for 74 days)and I am moving forward w/the divorce and why why why does it even fucking matter??? And why why why do I even fucking care??? And why why why does it still hurt so fucking much.

I held it together this morning till kids got off to school (he has had almost zero contact w/them - he texts them multiple times daily but that's really it) but now I'm close to falling apart.

The worst part is I think DD11 knows and doesn't want to tell me. She will have nothing to do w/him right now - this only started a couple weeks ago and won't tell me why. We've talked about her feelings of being angry, hurt, etc. and I have told her she has absolutely every right to feel whatever she is feeling and can always talk to me or (insert several other close family/friends) but she is holding something back. She and I are very close and I just know she's holding something back. She has also been just a bit "standoffish" w/me lately until last night. She once again refused to see/talk to her dad when he dropped off DS 17 so I just gently said you know you can tell me anything sweetie - you don't need to worry about hurting me - to which she replied I don't like to see you cry. I told her I'm ok and this will get better. I've been sad am sad but I WILL get better. I changed the subject then to her, her school day, friends, etc. then left her alone. Shortly afterward I had my "old girl" back - wanted to "hang" w/mom again.

This is the thing - one of her very best friends that she talks to ALL the time - well his dad is one of my "former" friends (I am still cordial to him but that's it) - he has spent the last year drinking in the bar w/my husband and just generally hanging out drinking w/him constantly. Lots of drinking at his house w/his neighbors, etc. and everything that goes on there does so right in front of his 11yr. old son. (he's a single dad) I recently found out this former friend has known all along about my WH and has hidden/lied for him and even told his 17 yr. old son (who dates my niece) that if he told me he would be causing our divorce. SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK -

What I want to know is how do I handle this w/my DD11??? I DO NOT want to push her for information. I DO NOT want to add to her pain. I DO NOT want my children in the middle of this sick shit. But I also do not want her to think she has to hold the crap she's heard inside to protect her mother. WTF do I do?????


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, KJac.

I would be very calm and matter-of-fact with your daughter. There is way too much lying, drama and secrets coming from your STBX so you need to be the one to take the high road and dial it down.

Sit her down and say something like "I know STBX is seeing someone. Honestly, I'm not happy about it but that is the way it is and I will deal with it. This is my issue, not yours. You don't have to protect me or take care of me, My job is looking after you. We will get through this and yes, it sucks right now, but 2014 is going to be amazing. Hang in there and we will be fine."

I know it's hard but try to stay matter-of-fact. It's hardly a surprise given your ex's past which doesn't make it any easier but that is the person he is.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 8:22 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost positive I have another coming soon as well. WW has been on her phone a lot and started playing the game again where she met OM#1. I see those half smiles on her face a lot more often. Much like when I suspected the worst the first 2 times.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't have advice as to DD just lots of hugs. But wanted to say that discovering another A, even after you are on the road to D (or D'd even) still makes an impact. It shifts and twists your past. It changes the story of your life. It is another loss and it hurts! For me (in time) it also brought a positive: It helped me to let go.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could always sense a big discovery ahead of time. Didn't matter if it was something I'd find in the house, in The Garage, or something the kids would eventually reveal, my gut would tell me first.

(((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9684 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
msk99
♂ Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((KJac)))

I feel terrible you are in this spot right now.


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
KJac
♀ Member
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another question regarding kids - I have to work tonight and STBX will be giving DS17 a ride home from a school activity - in the past he has used this opportunity to come into the house and "hang out" w/the kids (I no longer allow him past the entry) then instructed them not to tell me. DS11 told me this to which I responded how wrong it was of him to not only disrespect me but to lie about it and it is NEVER ok for him to instruct her to lie. I also told her never to worry about telling me the truth and I would not say/do anything that she couldn't tell her dad. She is not responsible for keeping secrets for adults - EVER.

My question is this, while I don't want to put my kids in the position of "providing me information", right now this is MY home, MY boundaries, and is it wrong of me to ask them when I get home tonight if he came in and, if so, how long he stayed?


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are asking for facts. You can ask but keep it simple and once getting the info, change the subject.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2968 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.