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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this a crazy idea ?
LMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prior to Dday, we had a family vacation planned - bought and paid for by WS to Hawaii. My girls still want to go, my WS still wants to go..with me. ????!!!! Yes, he would love to reconcile and has said so many times and has agreed to go for counseling but I haven't seen enough transparency yet. I have served him with divorce papers and he has also said (and his lawyer has told my lawyer) that if we need to go this route, then he will divorce through mediation as he doesn't want to pay the enormous lawyer's fees. His lawyer has stated that all his assets will be forthcoming and there is no need for me to pay for discovery. Anyway, back to my question...would it be lunacy to go forward with this trip? My gut says yes it is crazy, but on the other hand...at the very least, I would be in Hawaii with my daughters...and since this was his Christmas gift to us, (free trip for me) why not take advantage of it? Your thoughts please.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Shocked2believe
♀ Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMomof2. I would believe it all depends on how YOU feel. It's such a personal choice and all depends on your circumstances. If you can't stand being near the man perhaps it's better not to go but you could also have an incredible time (even if you choose to go off with your girls and do things independently on the holiday).

Perhaps it could even be the start of R also depending on your circumstance. Hope you are able to come to a decision and happy with it. ((((Hugs)))))


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. No advice to offer; just chiming in that I'm in a similar situation. A month before DDay we excitedly purchased our airfare for a May '14 vacation to Hungary and Austria. In fact, WH insisted we jump on the airfare ASAP. One of the ways I used to talk myself out of my legitimate suspicions was telling myself, "How could he be cheating on me if he makes long term plans with me?"

When I was being TT'ed he convinced me that we had to immediately book and prepay our chosen hotel in Budapest since it's very popular. So we sat down and booked it with me thinking he'd been in an inappropriate texting relationship, and the very next morning: DDay.

He says he wants to R. I hate to say it, but one bit of power I had in forcing him to end it with OW was holding this trip hostage.

Now he wants to book the hotel for Vienna. This seems so far away, it's almost imaginary to me.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
LMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThreeYearFool I think both our WSs want to have their cake and eat it, too. They truly love US and want to be with us all the while having excitement on the side.(in my case, unemotional sex with a stranger) That's why they make the long term plans with wife and family. Still NOT ACCEPTABLE ! I think why I may want to go through with the trip is partly to get what I can out of him for what he did to me. IF I go..and it is a big IF, I plan on him footing the bill for everything while we are there. Does that make me a bad person?


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Shocked2believe
♀ Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are certainly not a bad person. After what he's just put you through (and nothing ever will make up for it) I would do just that. Enjoy.


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His lawyer has stated that all his assets will be forthcoming and there is no need for me to pay for discovery

Yeah, well unless you can know that for a fact, I would remember that HIS lawyer doesn't owe you the truth. I would speak to your own lawyer about that and about if, you don't do discovery, if there is wording that can be put in to penalize the WH if it turns out that he lied.

I'd go. Separate beds or him sleeping on the couch, but I would go and enjoy the time with the girls. Maybe split up days so one day he takes the girls sightseeing and you do your own thing and then vice versa.

I sorta had the same thing going here. Three days after I booked our tickets to go spend Thanksgiving with FWHs family on the east coast, DDay #3 happened and we went right into an in-house separation (no A, but lying and hiding things from me). I was then left with the decision of what to do about Thanksgiving.

I decided that I would go no matter if we were separated or not. I knew that there was a couch he could sleep on and if we were going to separate and divorce, I wanted a chance to say goodbye to relatives that I had had for 21+ years. And you better believe that when I told them goodbye, I was going to make sure that they knew exactly why I was leaving! But now that we're back together and working on making it again, that scenario is at least, gone.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I plan on him footing the bill for everything while we are there. Does that make me a bad person?

Nope not at all. But think hard before deciding to go for this reason alone.

HI is so beautiful. Will you be able to enjoy it going only for this purpose? Maybe you can get your own hotel room and take the girls on separate adventures.
There is a lot to do in HI. Enough for both parents to be able to have fun and still split the family up.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ButterflyJester
♀ New Member
Member # 41380
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the list of folks in a similar situation...we have a Disney trip planned for April...what a decision to have to make.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Delaware
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, I think my WH is a cake eater. He truly believed that he would just have his fun on the side and that as long as I didn't know it didn't hurt me.

It's so tough because travel was a shared hobby of ours. Even before I met him, I'd get the urge to travel somewhere every couple of months, even if it was just a weekend getaway. I would love to go to Vienna and Bratislava and Budapest.

But he traveled places with OW every freaking chance he got, which pisses me off. Not to mention that I trigger hard whenever he wants me to help plan for the May trip because it reminds me of planning for our last two overseas vacations while I had no idea he was unfaithful. All those emails back and forth crafting itineraries and making reservations, while all along he was texting and emailing her back and forth as well....

He's making the initial motions towards R so I have no idea how things are going to be 7 or so months out from now.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
20Hopeful16
♀ Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the crazy list. We leave a week from today for a Disney trip that's been planned for months. I refuse to disappoint my kids right now.


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
LMomof2
♀ Member
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks SO MUCH for your responses! Wow, how the WSs eff up everything. Hard to take a family vacation when things are so dysfunctional but even though my kids are older... actually more adults than kids... if I go, I will go for THEM. Hope if you all go on your vacations, that you make the most of it.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make the most of it, LMomof2.

It's bizarre how WH actually shows kindness and remorse most when I'm willing to talk to him about future plans, like this trip. He withdraws whenever he thinks I'm through with him.

It's like he needs an anti-180. Attention junkie much?


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 163 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMomof2 - not a crazy idea.

We went to Europe 2 months post DDay. At the time we were mostly in the 'try to reconcile' camp.

In short, I am glad we went. Some things were difficult (tinged with sadness) for example, I could not stop myself from thinking how perfect everything would have been if we didn't now have the tainted history. Mostly though I was able to appreciate the change from the routine and I actually found myself enjoying some things very much.

Unless it would cause an increase in tension and therefore make the whole trip an unpleasant memory for you and your girls, I would go.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be an opportunity for your WH to see his family in a different setting and get a better idea of what's at stake. Hopefully, it would lead to him understanding how important full transparency is if he truly wishes to reconcile.

We went ahead with a trip with a group of friends 3 months after D-Day. We had invited another couple to stay at our timeshare, and we had a party planned for everyone. It would have made a mess if we canceled.

I got through it and FWH was very attentive. I can't say it was easy, but it wasn't terrible either.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1026 | Registered: Mar 2012
mesoSTUPID
♀ Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go and have fun... enjoy your daughters and YES even your husband and remind yourself that he is there with you and not with anyone else.

I wish my WH would have had unemotional, meaningless sex with a stranger instead of sex/falling in love with my longtime friend!

Vegas, Jamaica, Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, Aruba, New Orleans and many other places all within a year and half.

He asks me frequently to please forgive him that his life is meaningless without me.

I don't know what our future brings but I can tell you that I love him the most when we travel.


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 193 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

would it be lunacy to go forward with this trip?[/quote]

It is your choice. It may sound like lunacy, but I can understand why you would do it.

Just a thought to consider. In the future, will you look at this holiday as being the last time you where together as a family or the point you start to R?

I had a similar issue around Christmas where the chances were it was possibly the last time we spend Christmas together as a family.

If you decide to go, I would suggest you try to ensure your daughters remember it as a good time in their life's.

I plan on him footing the bill for everything while we are there. Does that make me a bad person?

[/quote]

You are not a bad person. Just some one who is putting up some defense


Posts: 157 | Registered: Mar 2007
Dyinghere
♀ Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go. It might be the last all-together family vacation your kids have. Give them those memories.




Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Topic Posts: 17

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