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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: can you do the work without therapy?
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in IC for a few months but am no longer seeing that C because I don't feel she was helping me....she shot down my ideas and theories without listening, tried to blame my actions on my husband, and focused too much on how my AP tricked me....and then encouraged me to keep tabs on him.

I cannot get a new C right now due to issues with health insurance. ...I am hoping to eventually but right now its not an option. However I want to explore more about my FOO......is this possible without a C?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think it's very possible, especially if you are a reader. There are a lot of books out there on FOO issues and how to heal from them. Some even take you through a step by step process or have you do workbook type stuff.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never done IC.

My IC has been posting and reading here, hearing comments from others, researching, getting and reading books, thinking, journaling, etc.

I do have some hang ups, and there are some things that are taking longer to process and work thru. But for the most part, I'm heading in the right direction.

QS is pleased with progress and doesn't feel that I should go to IC. We talk about it. If he changes his mind, then I'll go. But for now, I'm on my own.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6311 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree ....
I do think it's very possible, especially if you are a reader. There are a lot of books out there on FOO issues and how to heal from them. Some even take you through a step by step process or have you do workbook type stuff.

We have seen a few MCs.
I have seen a few ICs.
Only one IC - asked me 'why' and really dug into my issues. If it was not for my amazing wife, i wouldn't even have admitted that i had any problems - i was so arrogant.

I am no counselor - but i can speak to my experience ... my top 3 lessons ....

1. The first step is to open your mind to suggestions - because no person or book can help if you are not willing to think about it and truly accept what you learn about yourself (the bad stuff). You are on here looking for help - so safe to assume this first step is a breeze for you.

2. The question "why" - by far the most invaluable question - question everything .... by doing that, and having someone safe to share with - that will really help. This was very hard for me - answers don't come easy - and tend to go against everything you believe in (or think you believe in). For example - the belief that i was not abused.

3. Another important question "what if" .... follow your thought process and beliefs to find out what your fundamental insecurity is ... this process has consistently opened my eyes and shown me that my assumptions were almost always wrong. And when you get to the fundamental - go to question #2 above ....

I am not cured - but i am on the road to recovery. I have stopped going to the counselors - because i got into the habit of hiding behind their advice - which was not helpful to my wife. I am slowly but surely confiding in her my thoughts - and my wife says it helps her ..... and it is helping me too.


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H (formerly the WS) did not do any IC nor did we do MC.

I'm really not a huge fan of counseling. My XH was a serial cheater, likely a sex addict and he went to a counselor who told him that he should find out if I might be willing to agree to an open M before she went any further to help him. He knew me well enough to never dream of asking me such a thing. I sure didn't want him going back to that quack. My son and other family members have been to quack counselors too.

But back to your question, yes we reconciled without counseling and it is possible. It is also possible to get counseling and still not really fix anything.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you learn a skill like art without college? Sure. Why would this be any different?

The main difference is you will have to teach yourself those skills. IC and non-IC both require work, but IC can speed up the process for some. It'll just take more time because you have to search for your own answers and not just be told.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, absolutely you can.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally don't see the value in therapy at all. YMMV

I was in IC for a few months but am no longer seeing that C because I don't feel she was helping me....she shot down my ideas and theories without listening, tried to blame my actions on my husband, and focused too much on how my AP tricked me....and then encouraged me to keep tabs on him.

That's what initally most WS's want to hear. 'It wasn't your fault'.

If you do any reading in the Reconciliation forum you will notice a pattern.

A BS will post "My IC advised me to ............, but I don't agree, what do you think?"

Invaribly the replies will be along the lines of:

"Where did this IC get their license, what an idiot"

"You need to change IC's"

"Sounds like your IC doesn't have any experience with infidelity, you need to find another IC"

"You need to find an IC that's a better fit"

So in other words, find an IC that tells you what you want to hear and pay good money for the privilege.

The logic of this escapes me.

I believe there are two types of IC.

Those that give you bad advice in your situation, due to their pre-concieved notions or those that simply tell what they think you want to hear to make you feel good (validated), because if they do give good advice that you don't agree with you'll go find another IC and they'll lose the business.

It is after all a profit making exercise for the IC.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 12:18 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can find the right IC, they can really help out both with the A stuff and with tying in other things that you may not have realized were part of the pre-A situation, not necessarily in the M, but in your life.

That being said, SI was my primary IC and our primary MC.

Oh, just remembered...the biggest help we got was a weekend retreat where we learned how to finally communicate. Once we had that down, we could talk to each other about a lot of the difficult stuff. That was a huge help.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
confetticheck
♂ New Member
Member # 38676
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you have to have a C. We did most of the heavy lifting before we went to ours. Honesty, hard work, books, and SI have been our biggest help.

She is a good sanity check, and has helped a lot.
We are lucky though, she is a BS, (that was scary at first! LOL) and knows what shes talking about.

Hey, who taught the Wright brothers how to fly?


Me - WH
Her - BW
Married 20 yrs, 3 kids
DDay - 17 Nov '12 (5 month PA)

Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: FL
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe there are two types of IC.

Those that give you bad advice in your situation, due to their pre-concieved notions or those that simply tell what they think you want to hear to make you feel good (validated), because if they do give good advice that you don't agree with you'll go find another IC and they'll lose the business.

This is how I see it too, for the most part.

Even so, I did go to a counselor for a short time, mostly as a "paid friend" ...somebody who didn't know my FWS, just to have someone to talk to. It made me feel better, but she didn't advise me or tell me what to do, or how to think. If she had done that, I would not have went back. Also, after a few months, she told me she thought I was "fine" and did not need any help. I really respect her for that. I think most keep milking the easy money for years. If they were really any good, I think there would be dramatic helpful results within weeks, not years. Just my opinion.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
grains
♂ Member
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will share with you what I have discovered. I have gone to both IC and MC and am currently seeing an IC. I have been doing other things outside of IC that have helped me a lot:

1. joining a 12 step group on Co-Dependency

2. studying Buddhist meditation

3. attending Catholic Mass regularly

4. just attended a course on Christian Spirituality

I am not trying to convert anyone to the Christian faith or any religion. I found that spiritual recovery which these 4 activities provided is helping my psychological recovery. I wish you strength and success in your recovery.


WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. H and I went to MC and he helped even though he had no real experience dealing with strictly infidelity related issues. The IC I saw was zero help. All she did was recommend self-help books and doing internet research. Well, the internet research I had been doing already in a way. SI and the members here have helped both of us tremendously. I consider them *the* experts when it comes to this issue, because we've all BTDT and know what works, what might and what doesn't. Most of the work on myself I've done by myself, running my observations past my H and the people here. I've been called on my bullshit when I needed to be and that needs to happen if we (both BS and WS) are to become healthier people.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5891 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 13

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