I just miss having someone to come home to. Someone to share my day with. Someone to have dinner with. Someone to just share life with. I love sharing my life with my daughter... but its just not always the same.
And, right now....I'm sitting at my desk in tears...dreading another Friday night at home alone. Routine. Boring. Alone. Forever.
I hate this.
ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
I know I won't be technically alone alone....cause my daughter will be with me.... but I just miss someone...ANYONE to talk to. I am dreading going home. I would rather cut my right arm off right now. I am such an extravert by nature.... and as much as I can take being alone....it gets to me sometimes.
Tonight is one of those times.
I go home every night and do the same routine....make dinner for both of us...play/tickle time....then shower/bath time....story time....and bedtime routine...and then I spend a couple of hours every night by myself after she goes to bed.
Most nights I welcome that solo time....and revel in it to indulge in adult TV shows that I've DVR'd....but tonight I am just feeling this overwhelming wave of loneliness washing over me.... and I'm dreading the routine tonight.
I'm going on a year and a half single now....which I know is a drop in the bucket for some....but its the longest I've been single (not in a relationship since.....gosh...before my 1st boyfriend at the age of 18! I don't mind being single most of the time....
I just miss the companionship.
I just miss the companionship.
TOTALLY get it.
I'm one of those people that feel things do happen for a reason, and when it's time for you to meet your man, he will cross paths with you.
I used to think I was one of those people that thought this way....everyone says...."You are pretty....smart...blah blah blah.... you won't be single forever" but what if I am? What if there is no guy out there for me.... what if the SPCA and all 30 of their cats are meant to be my next companions.....
I think that's my biggest fear. Never meeting a "decent" guy. Never being in the right place at the right time because I'm just so damned busy all the time. Being alone. Forever. Or worse....having broken relationships forever. Of which, I would rather be alone.
At least being alone is better than being in a toxic relationship. I know this much anyways.... But, it doesn't make days like this any easier....
I hate being your token "good girl" who can't have a FWB without having my emotions tied in. I wish I could have that "once in a blue moon" companion guy that I see and enjoy the company of once a month and be content with just those few moments....but alas.... I want more. I want it all....or nothing at all.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:25 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
It would be nice to have that "someone," but since I don't, I want to enjoy the alone time I have rather than dread it. I hope you can think of some nice things to do so that you can transform your Friday nights.
I get the wanting companionship and adult interaction. Totally. But you can make a lot of that on your own. Gather up some chums and do a rotating Friday night dinner. Kids are brought in pjs with sleeping bags and the adults sit around the kitchen table while the wee ones watch a video. Trade babysitting with a friend to have nights out.
I am in a relationship and I am tickled to death to be home alone tonight. I am relaxing in MY way in MY space and will get up and have MY Saturday morning.
Until you embrace this life and make it your bitch, you are going to feel like this. Turn the tables and make it work for you.
I totally get it. I have DS16 100% of the time. During the week, its not so bad, school for him, dinners, homework etc. But the weekends. He has his friends and I don't "have" to do anything.
And for me winters are the worse. During spring, summer and early fall, I am busy outside doing things that I can do alone. There is not much during the winter (nothing outside) that I like to do. So I am BORED. And there can be days that I don't talk to adults.
I used to try to fill my days shopping just to get out (during the cold), but that is even boring now!
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen
I do like the idea that one of the other ladies suggested of putting some stuff off until Friday nights...and I might try that. Save some of my favorite DVR'd shows until tonight.....paint my toenails (which look hideous right now btw) or look through some holiday catalogs.
I don't feel lonely ALL THE TIME.... I just have bouts of it. Most of the time, I embrace it and deal with it. But, I am human. I will have moments of weakness where I miss having an SO.... miss having just ANYONE to talk with at night. Its just human nature to want to be around other people. At least for me anyways.
But alas....I digress. I'm here....in my nightgown... watching TV and relaxing at home on a Friday night. Its not that big of a deal. Tomorrow is another day.....and I've planned a big day including taking my daughter to the local Christmas parade in the morning followed by getting her a cupcake at the local "Viva la Cupcake" store nearby and meeting up with 2 of my friends there and then going to see the new Hunger Games movie that afternoon!!
I was just having "one of those days" .... that's all.
I do kinda like making life my bitch though Cat....hehe...makes me wanna go buy a whip!
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:56 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
Like other people said, you are not alone here. Friday and weekend are the worst for me too when I have three little ones to take care.
Just one of those days, nothing you can do to change it, all we know we will feel better tomorrow morning, but at least you can post here to share with all of us. We hear ya.
Everyone said it will get better, we choose to believe that as otherwise how we are going to move on and have hope.
Sometimes its the day in and day out routine....that runs from the week into the weekend that sucks. I used to look forward to the weekend.... and I think this weekend kinda sucked too cause my running team is running a local half marathon in my town and I can't do it because I'm still recovering from recurring bronchitis and trying to watch my funds as well. So it was kinda a double whammy this weekend I think....
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
We won't be alone forever.
We won't be alone forever.
Thank you.... I hope not.
I think what's hard for you is that you feel alone even with your DD there. I totally get that too. That's because she's not old enough yet to be a little companion. She can't have conversations yet and she doesn't have her own opinions yet, at least not beyond tantrums. That's hard. You are alone with her a lot of the time and I can't imagine being a full time single mom with a baby. It's bad enough with young school aged kids, but babies and toddlers are a whole different kind of hard.
But one day, you will blink and she will be that little person who is more than just someone who requires 100% care. The bond will be more than you can imagine when your Fridays will turn into movie nights with her where you both get in your pjs, snuggle under blankets, eat popcorn, and Piper's attention span can handle more than 30 minutes. She will one day do her nails with you and she will want to brush your hair and make cupcakes. There is a whole world of not being lonely when this baby turns into a little girl. I know it's not immediate, but it's coming.
Until then, don't over think the whole SO thing. Of course you won't be alone forever. You won't. Your life will change and evolve over time and of course an SO or two will come along. We are all afraid of having to endure another shit show of a relationship. That's a risk, but your picker and your view of your self will be much different when an SO comes along. That's another way you will evolve.
It was just one of those nights. They suck and give you that crappy, kicked in the gut feeling. But you got through and it sounds like today will be a great day full of activity.
As long as you're here, you're not ever totally alone.
But my life involves a lot of alone time. It's hard. I tell myself that I won't be alone forever, but it's been5 years already, and nothing has really changed, despite my attempts.
I'm alone now but I don't feel lonely. But I do have 50% of my life to myself so that does make a difference.
It will get better as she gets older. Are their other mums in your neighbourhood who would barter Fri or Sat night sleepovers with you? Piper might be a little young for that right now but in time it will become an option.
When I was in the thick of my rock bottom and not fit for the outside world I would invite a friend or two over for dinner/movie and a few vinos. I needed to have normal banter to start feeling like myself again. It also helped turn down the volume on my internal monologue that was non-stop for those first few months. It was exhausting.
I didn't miss having someone in the evenings as I really missed having time all by myself. I did miss waking up with someone though.