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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC only wants to see him?
Ravenwingz
♀ New Member
Member # 41422
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've had one MC session together and at the end of that the MC asked to see us individually. This seemed reasonable and she asked that WH come for IC first and then she would see me alone. He went to his appt the other day but instead of making an appt for me she wants to see him by himself again next week. No word on when she wants to talk to me. I understand that maybe she needs to delve deeper into his feelings, but I feel almost, well, left out. I would really like to gain some insight on my feelings as well.

Since everything and anything seems to make me paranoid these days I am worried about why she feels he needs this IC time and I can wait. I guess I'm just looking for some ideas about why this is happening and maybe some people to tell me not to worry.


Me - 29 y/o SAHM/Student with 2 kids, 4 y/o and 6 months
STBXH - 29 y/o army ssgt
OW - 24 y/o army spc
DDay #1: 10/30/13
DDay #2: 5/06/14
Separated and moving toward divorce

Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its normal. She will want to see you


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strongly suggest you ask her. This sounds like favoritism, and it very definitely sounds like lack of communication. I don't see how modeling non-communication is a good thing to do.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask her.

Maybe she feels that your H is not ready for MC. If he felt entitled to have the affair, if he's blaming the affair on you, or if he is still in the affair, he's not capable of working on healing the marriage.

He had the affair because of whatever is wrong inside him. Not because of the marriage. He may not be ready to own that, and the. MC time would be wasted while he hurt you further by rewriting the marriage and blame shifting.

I would consider getting your own IC. Infidelity is traumatic and you could really use someone who is focused on you!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in MC before I learned of the A, she wanted to see us alone bc she could not figure out what the deal was between us. Her intuition was that H was having an A. So when they were alone she asked him point blank, he lied. Obviously, had he told the truth, she would have given him two options, a) tell LA and we can work together, or b) this is the end of the road for us.

Are you sure the A is done? If so, then I am thinking more along the lines of what Sailor Girl has written. Me and H have our own IC. Perhaps your MC can recommend one.

((Rw))


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for what you are going through.

I agree with jjsr.

He went to his appt the other day but instead of making an appt for me she wants to see him by himself again next week.


I'm not surprised. It likely means your WS has more issues than you are aware of. I know with all the suffering you are now going through it doesn't seem fair; however, the MC is most concerned with saving the marriage. I can't emphasize enough how important patience is in R. If the pain becomes unbearable, come to SI for support. If that doesn't help, let your MC know you are struggling and need help right away.

It may be helpful to you to start reading the book, Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. In my opinion, this is the best book for healing from infidelity. It will provide answers to many of the questions you must have. This book will also help prepare you for discussing the affair when you begin talking to the MC.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ravenwingz,

I read your profile and my heart goes out to you.

At first this whole thing escalated into him telling me he's never been happy with me, that OW is far more interesting and motivated than I am, that the only reason he ever married me and stuck around for this long was because of our DD and now he feels even more trapped because of the new baby coming. At first he said he wanted a divorce, but within a couple of days of us not really talking he decided we should try marriage counseling.

This is heartbreaking. What a coward to blame his adultery on his faithful, helpful wife who was raising his daughter alone while he was deployed. Cheaters say this cruel, hurtful stuff because they can't accept that they are the bad guy.

Your H needs to see that he broke his vows to you, smashed your trust, risked his kids security and his family's stability for a sleazy affair with the kind of woman who will sleep with a married man whose wife is pregnant. Until he deeply grasps that, what foundation is there to build on in MC?

I am thinking of you and your babies and hoping that your H is going to yank his head out from where the sun don't shine. If the MC is experienced and tough, maybe she can help with that. I would let him have appointments alone while doing a 180 and seeing your own IC.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry about coming in again, but I think something important is being missed here.

If the MC started doing MC, she is duty-bound, IMO, to keep it MC until she tells Ravenwingz explicitly that she won't take the couple on as a client.

She owes Ravenwingz, and her H, an explanation of what she's doing.

Right now, if I were her client, I'd assume she's showing favoritism toward my WS, and that is no way to start a process in which the MC MUST serve the relationship and not favor one partner or the other.

Further, if I were a BS hoping to work with this MC, and she weren't doing anything to help me through the pain I feel right now, I'd be mad as hell at her. That, too, is a terrible way to start MC.

Bottom line, though, her failure to communicate with Ravenwingz is inexcusable and probably incompetent.

I hate to write people off, but in this case, I'd find a new MC, and I'd insist my WS find a new IC. I also might investigate this MC's ethics, or lack thereof, and report her to the licensing board if I thought there was a case.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, everyone is so quick to cry favoritism and bash the MC!

How about just asking the MC why? Call the office, leave a message for her saying you need to speak briefly with her directly, and ask. Settle your mind, don't borrow stress when the answer may be within reach. You have enough stress already, and you have the right to know the answer to this question from your MC.

That said, she probably wants to see each of you alone so you can speak more freely as individuals, without having to be careful of what you say in front of your partner. As for him having more visits at first than you, perhaps he is still foggy, needing a little " more" to be in a better mindset for effective MC?

As BS's of course we tend to assume the worst, but maybe it is a good thing.

All the best to you.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree on the favoritism point. Could it be, yes, but if it's a good MC, I don't think so. Our MC saw us both individually and together. There were a few times he saw us each individually a couple times in a row.

IMHO I think you're MC is seeing that there is a lot more under the surface of you WH that may need addressed before MC can really help you as a couple.

***Hit enter too fast.

When our MC did do this, it was communicated to us that is what was going on. Your MC should at least let you know. Just ask if all is up and up.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 1:46 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Ravenwingz
♀ New Member
Member # 41422
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've called and left a message with her for the last two days and haven't gotten any response :(

I don't want to jump the gun but I'm not liking this. I hate to try to find a new MC if it can be avoided. We are seeing her under free counseling benefits provided by military onesource. We only get so many free sessions and I hate to feel like they were wasted. I'm willing to give her the benefit of a doubt... If she would at least return my phone calls. Very frustrating.


Me - 29 y/o SAHM/Student with 2 kids, 4 y/o and 6 months
STBXH - 29 y/o army ssgt
OW - 24 y/o army spc
DDay #1: 10/30/13
DDay #2: 5/06/14
Separated and moving toward divorce

Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She should call you back, that is very frustrating. I'm sorry. If you can, let us know when you get an answer to this question.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I know it's fairly commonly done, but I don't agree with the MC seeing the partners individually.

Their role is to be neutral and both partners are their patients/clients.

So when they see one alone, that person could be saying all kinds of things about the other and the other isn't there to 1) hear what they said 2) to respond to what they said 3) to see exactly how it was said even if it is relayed later.

This sounds weird to me, especially that she hasn't called you back. And it's another example of what can come up when IC and MC are the same.

I'm sorry if you don't agree. I'm not trying to be contrary. It's just something I've thought a lot about and I've heard lots of funky stories about this issue.

Keep us posted. But if she takes any longer to get back to you, I'd be worried too.


Me BS 45, him 48, 15yo DD and 13yo DS
DD#1 1998, DD#2 2004
6 years of TT yields chronicity.
I may never get over it.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Aug 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, November 23rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me be clear: the issue for me is that this MC hasn't explained what she's doing.

I believe the standard approach is to tell both partners what the plan is, and if the plan changes to inform both parties. It sounds like tis MC has not told Ravenwingz what she's doing. That's the problem.

I hope she can retrieve the sitch by talking with Ravenwingz. That's what's missing.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Gipper
♂ Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were in MC between DDays the counselor would ask to speak with each of us afterward. My visit would last less than a minute and hers would last up to 45 minutes. There was a reason. But if it bothers you I would question it and ask for an explanation.

Posts: 718 | Registered: May 2011
Blameitontherain
♀ Member
Member # 37476
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ravenwingz I know how it is to feel like you only have X amount of sessions with militaryonesource. The good news is you can get more sessions approved. Usually the office know how to do this. Technically mc isn't covered by tricare but family counseling is so you could also have it covered that way if the free sessions run out. You can also shop around for a therapist/mc who isn't militaryonesource related. I hope you get a call back soon. Message me if you'd ever like to chat. My WH is active duty and I really do understand the stresses that a military wife/life entail.


Disclaimer as I am biased from personal experience with a militaryonesource referral. I found the counselor to not be good. They let us fight and offered nothing helpful. At one point I disclosed something very traumatic to me/the marriage and the counselor said to my WH, well you wouldn't do that again right? Accepted wh's nope I wouldn't and moved on to the next thing.
I sometimes believe that the therapists who are funded through militaryonesource may not be the best counselors so this is a way to keep a steady business in their office.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 2:03 PM, November 25th (Monday)]


Posts: 273 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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