Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 16
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Menz, Long time lurker to this thread. My IC/MC told my wife that I caused her to go out and have an affair. I am so friggin pissed of right now. Any other of you guys have their MC give the sympathy to the WW?

Herk, fire the MC. Tell your WW you are not going back until you find one that will hold her feet to the fire and make her take responsibility for her affair.

It really is as simple as that.

My fWW and I have an ass-kicking MC who has decades of experience, used to be an addictions counselor, and doesn't take shit from either of us. Just last week she threatened to kick me out because I had not done a homework assignment. "Mr. DD, why should I waste my time and waste your money if you are not going to do your work?" she asked. Then she asked me to go wait outside and she finished the session alone with my fWW.

I'll never miss a homework assignment again.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who the fuck cares if your marriage was a sinkhole of despair and misery. The choice to be a selfish bitch about it belongs to her. It has no bearing. IMO, not even as an influence on making that choice. Personal weakness and sheer selfish perception is what drives that, just like any other escapist behavior.

Great stuff, SG. The quoted part was my favorite.

Notice how most WWs try desperately to save the marriage they tried so hard to destroy prior to D Day? The same marriage that they had to escape from? Wonder what the f'd up psychology is behind that.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bobf,
This...
I was a failure in both of our eyes
...struck a chord with me. Call me crazy but if a spouse experiences a career setback then that isn't the time to treat them like they failed. That's the time when they need support the most. It seems like you were not a team and you took the part-time job without asking her (not saying that was correct) because on some level you knew you didn't have a true partner who would approach your career setback as a challenge to be fixed together.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3370 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bros.

I just want to wish all of you the best Thanksgiving possible. I know alot of us (myself included) are working through the pain of betrayal, and that pain can cast a dark cloud over what should be a happy holiday.

Menz, let's all make a pact: lets be thankful for the things that ARE good in our lives, make a list, dwell on those, and push the other dark thoughts out our noggins for one day. Just one day.

I have my health, I have two wonderful kids, I have a serviceable roof over my head, a truck that runs, a bunch of good friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin, and I have a beautiful, flawed, fucked up, sweet, loving fWW who is doing her best to make ammends for what she did.

I know some of you don't have a remorseful WW. I would challenge you to take the focus off her and focus on the positives. Try it just for one day and do your best to have the best Thanksgiving you can under the circumstances.

Fake it 'till you make it.

Now I have to go out and get the makings for some homemade egg nog. I can't decide if I want to use Jim Beam or Wild Turkey.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 9:39 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go with the 100 proof Wild Turkey....


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read and reread what StillGoing said. Its the truth.

Blaming M problems for *causing* a affair is a cop out. Its taking the easy way for the MC. They are likely well acquainted with M problems and how to deal with them. And if you take M out of the equation they flounder.

I think most of these MCs are book learned and dont really get the full dynamic of affairs. So they apply what they know ie. what they read in a book.

MC will say the M caused the affair. Or created the environment where it was possible/likely.

You will say you were in the same M and didnt cheat.

MC will respond that you were the cause of the M problems. You were the one making your WW unhappy.

Therefore you caused her affair.

Complete and utter pig shit. Use the analogy of a woman asking for it when they are physically abused. Say that her affair caused M problems so you have a open licensee to have your own affair.

Dont accept that line of shit. Ever.

How did your WW react to your MC blaming the M (you) for her affair?

bob.
None of our WWs were angels. They never were and they never will be. What they showed us by having their affair is who they really are. You need to pay attention when someone shows you who they really are.

greengiant.
Just plug the big holes that your WW can use to communicate with her OM. In the end you cant block every possible way for her to get with her OM. Trying will just make you crazy. Just block the big holes. The obvious methods she used during her affair. After that just keep a close eye on her and trust your gut.

None of that will ever make you feel really safe. But feeling safe is something that will probably never happen again for any of us.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3088 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None of our WWs were angels. They never were and they never will be. What they showed us by having their affair is who they really are. You need to pay attention when someone shows you who they really are.

None of that will ever make you feel really safe. But feeling safe is something that will probably never happen again for any of us.

Man, the Menz are knocking it out of the park today. Good stuff.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We must of started drinking early

Got the turkey brining. Time to work in the greenhouse. Unfortunately have to stay sober until a little later, not sure how my IC this afternoon would go if I went there inebriated. It could be interesting though...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bob.
None of our WWs were angels. They never were and they never will be. What they showed us by having their affair is who they really are. You need to pay attention when someone shows you who they really are.

greengiant.
Just plug the big holes that your WW can use to communicate with her OM. In the end you cant block every possible way for her to get with her OM. Trying will just make you crazy. Just block the big holes. The obvious methods she used during her affair. After that just keep a close eye on her and trust your gut.

None of that will ever make you feel really safe. But feeling safe is something that will probably never happen again for any of us.

Totally agree.

And this is sort of the same things I have shared with my fWW. She knows now, very well, that my image of her as a wholesome, upstanding woman is forever destroyed. The best she can possibly hope for is to become a good, solid reformed wife. But she will never be sacrosanct again. I pushed her off that pedestal into the mud, and then I broke that motherfucker into a million pieces and shit on the rubble.

She just standing in the grass next to me now, cold and shaking.

Safe? Well if you do it right, your fWW is the one who will never truly feel safe, because they know that you will walk away if they even so much as give a hint they are going to screw you over again.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got the turkey brining. Time to work in the greenhouse.

I have the first of two turkeys brining right now. Gonna cook it up early. (I don't like cooking a 24 pound bird...takes to long to stay moist enough) So I cook a 12 pound the night before and then a 14 pound day of. that way there are always gonna be left overs! I love me some turkey.

Oh, and I told my wife I want a divorce last night. Happy thanksgiving!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I told my wife I want a divorce last night.

You're joking, right?


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was wondering the same thing Tred was wondering.

What's going on, SuperDuper?


Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope not joking. I'll write it out. Give me a sec.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly two years out now, and man, I am tired. Tired of my wife doing just enough. Tired of not respecting her.

Quite, simply, I haven't been able to regain respect for her, the person she is isn't the person I want to stay married to. She got what she wanted, we moved up to Washington to be around her family (it's probably best for the kids anyway). Now that she's here, all the effort stopped. Not that there was much anyway. I mean she did make efforts to be transparent, but she always found an excuse to not re-start MC or IC. (I left the ball in her court...and she never picked it up).

Had she really looked like she was trying to fix the issues, I might have given it more time, but really, it's been almost 2 years now. I am tired of being with a woman I don't respect, a woman who won't fix her shit. It's tough when I look at her and don't feel love. I don't think I want to spend my life like that. Hell, I won't spend my life like that.

I'm tired. Maybe the whole thing was a deal-breaker from the start. Maybe, even if she had given some herculean effort it still would have been over. But she didn't give it a herculean effort, she did the minimum, just enough. Then if things seemed like they were getting better, even the minimal effort stopped.

So I told her I want out. We will co-habitat for a bit, she'll sleep in the guest room. Sure glad we have a ton of family coming over tomorrow. Yippie.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand mate. I remember you worrying about the move. I wish you the best. You deserve it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that SDWB.

ETA:

Tired of my wife doing just enough.
Marriage and parenting are two things in life where doing "just enough" is actually a total fail.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:41 AM, November 27th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3370 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny, in the end, "just enough" in her mind, was far to little. I guess it wasn't even close to enough.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that, SDWB. Healing from this shit is very difficult. For some of us to heal, we have to separate/divorce our spouses. It sounds like that is what it has come to with you. That's rough that it is happening right on a holiday, to boot. I know tomorrow is going to be rough with all of those folks coming over. Make your kids your safe base, if that makes any sense. Hang in there, and let us know how things go.

Posts: 4581 | Registered: Dec 2010
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonderboy,

I usually can't take time out to post during working hours but I just wanted to say that I am surprised and saddened to hear the news. The R club is smallish as it is, it's always a bummer when we lose another member, especially one as articulate and cool as you.

That being said. If you're done you're done. No one, and I mean No One, could ever accuse you of failing to give it your best effort. I have seen how hard you have tried to salvage your marriage, it's been a Herculean effort on your part. Sometimes though, sadly, some things are unfixable.

I hope this decision helps to bring you some clarity and peace, especially through this holiday season.

Strength brother,
HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support fellas. In all honesty, holidays were messed up because of her affair anyway. I do find it interesting that I got the first night of really good sleep in quite a while last night.

Still looking forward to eating a bunch of turkey and drinking a bunch of beers tomorrow. Hope you fellas are all doing o.k. on this greatest of holidays (for those in the U.S.)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.